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Old 05-22-2012, 11:17 AM
 
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I am sorry this happened to your son. I know it must be awful for him, and I can imagine, as his mom, how much it hurts to see HIM hurting. Unfortunately, there's not much that can be done. The brat was suspended for two days, which should have been more, but if you raise a stink about that, it will probably make things worse for your son. The only thing your son can do is to keep his head up. If he takes the victim stance, he will be a target for continuing harassment, and no one will ever forget it. Tell him to stay strong, and like JustJulia mentioned, summer is almost here. By the time the new school year starts, hopefully this will be forgotten.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Greater NYC
2,857 posts, read 4,694,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
OP: Does your son have a group of friends? It would be nice (and send a bit of a statement) if they "stood with him" when he goes back to school. They may be a bit young, but there could be a lesson for everyone in this.

1) It's not just a prank.

2) It's not acceptable.

3) We stand with the kids who are the victims, not the perpetrators.

(The more I think about this the more upset I am for your son. Tell him to hang in there.)
I think this is good advice. I'm so sorry for your son.

Just focusing on how your son should handle it when returning to school, right, wrong or indifferent, the SAME thing happened to a boy in my high school but it was at a sporting event at the school, outside.

(I will say that I think 7th grade and middle school is a tougher place to weather this type of situation that 9th grade, high school which is where I saw it happen.)

There was all this chatter about how he would act when he returned to school and how embarrassed would he be and to my surprise, and everyone else's, he laughed it out and made jokes about it like it was no big deal.

Who could tell if he really believed what he was saying or not, but, LET ME TELL YOU, his assertive, funny, "shoulder shrug" attitude put an immediate stop to any further teasing on the subject more or less. Instead, classmates seem to think him cool and, I guess, "above it all."

It seemed he had three or four of his friends covering him with the same kind of attitude. They happened to be pretty popular so this influence helped -- right or wrong.

I'm sure it took a lot of effort to convey this attitude if he wasn't feeling this way inside but it WORKED. Separately, the kid who did it got in trouble and was suspended for a week and I found out much later that the victim's parents were all over the school district about it but kept their actions separate and quiet.

Good luck to your sweet son.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
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I'm sorry- I have been thinking about this all morning. I know bringing attention to this may not be the popular action but what about the next kid this happens to. Maybe he doesn't have a compassionate mom and home to come to. Maybe it will be so devastating he will harm himself. Believe me the cases we hear about in the media about extreme bullying are not the first instance for the perpetrator. I'm sure it just might have been the first time anybody raised a stink about it.

Bullying in this country is serious business. Mom, I would go calmly to the teacher along with the principal to get all the facts and ask why it seems to have been swept under the rug. And I do think only 2 days suspension is sweeping it under the rug. There might be more to it than your son has told you. I would not just let it go. Right now you are your son's primary and maybe only advocate so advocate for him. Find out if he has been bullied before, if the perp has a history of this kind of thing.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:48 AM
 
Location: North America
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poor guy =\. Could you find out if he could finish school at home since he doesn't have much time left?
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:00 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,614,142 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I'm sorry- I have been thinking about this all morning. I know bringing attention to this may not be the popular action but what about the next kid this happens to. Maybe he doesn't have a compassionate mom and home to come to. Maybe it will be so devastating he will harm himself. Believe me the cases we hear about in the media about extreme bullying are not the first instance for the perpetrator. I'm sure it just might have been the first time anybody raised a stink about it.

Bullying in this country is serious business. Mom, I would go calmly to the teacher along with the principal to get all the facts and ask why it seems to have been swept under the rug. And I do think only 2 days suspension is sweeping it under the rug. There might be more to it than your son has told you. I would not just let it go. Right now you are your son's primary and maybe only advocate so advocate for him. Find out if he has been bullied before, if the perp has a history of this kind of thing.
I agree, perhaps getting an attorney as well.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:08 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,730,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucidkitty View Post
I agree, perhaps getting an attorney as well.
I really don't think that is necessary. If the parents make a big stink about it, it will just make it worse and keep it on everyone's minds that much longer. The OP's son should go back to school with his head held high and pretend he's not bothered. If it isn't a big deal to him, it won't be to anyone else either. OP, I am mortified for your son. I can only imagine how he feels.

ETA, I'm not saying to back down or anything like that. The bully has been punished. I don't know of 2 days is long enough or not, but that is for the school to decide. If she hasn't already, the OP should meet with the principal or VP to get the story straight, and make her feelings known about the punishment, but I don't think much else is warranted.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:17 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,614,142 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I really don't think that is necessary. If the parents make a big stink about it, it will just make it worse and keep it on everyone's minds that much longer. The OP's son should go back to school with his head held high and pretend he's not bothered. If it isn't a big deal to him, it won't be to anyone else either. OP, I am mortified for your son. I can only imagine how he feels.

ETA, I'm not saying to back down or anything like that. The bully has been punished. I don't know of 2 days is long enough or not, but that is for the school to decide. If she hasn't already, the OP should meet with the principal or VP to get the story straight, and make her feelings known about the punishment, but I don't think much else is warranted.
No because often an attorney can be enough pressure to ensure they actually do something. You can hire an attorney simply to be there to represent you when you talk with the principal. I'm not suggesting making it a big deal just that possibly having one there can make the administration realize how serious the parents view it.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:17 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 4,539,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Idlewile View Post

There was all this chatter about how he would act when he returned to school and how embarrassed would he be and to my surprise, and everyone else's, he laughed it out and made jokes about it like it was no big deal.

Who could tell if he really believed what he was saying or not, but, LET ME TELL YOU, his assertive, funny, "shoulder shrug" attitude put an immediate stop to any further teasing on the subject more or less. Instead, classmates seem to think him cool and, I guess, "above it all."

.
I think this is the most valuable thing your son can do. If he shows them he's embarrassed or upset, they'll tease him forever.

But if he can think of a few good jokes (Yeah, I'm just glad I wasn't wearing my heart boxers...I don't know, I'm not good at jokes. I can think of plenty, but they might be too risque for his age), he'll show them he's not bothered. If he's not bothered, it's no fun to tease him.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:54 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,883,731 times
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The only good thing in all of this is that there's only a couple of days of school left, right?

If it happened to my child, I'd be wanting to press charges against the child who did it. I do think the school needs to take it more seriously. If someone pulled down their own pants and showed their genitals to the gym class, they'd probably be expelled, so it doesn't seem fair that someone could expose your child to the class and only get two days suspension.

I do agree this would be easier to deal with in high school, easier to laugh it off and make risque jokes when anyone mentioned it. ("now that you've seen it, I'll be taking applications for the position of girlfriend, etc") But middle school is such an awkward time for most kids, it just makes it that much harder.
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Lake Oswego, Manhattan, Aspen
3,135 posts, read 3,955,456 times
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There is nothing 'innocent' or 'harmless' about this 'prank'. Public Nudity is, in most jurisdictions, a CRIME. So, deliberately causing another person's genitals to be exposed in public would also have to be a crime. What was done to your son is a criminal act in so many ways.... well... If an adult had done that to a minor, he could be put away for life.

If your son has body image problems, or is having peer acceptance problems (which would include being bullied), then this is an early warning which can help you save his life. I'm assuming he has these problems, because my own sons, who had better bodies and bigger junk than the other boys, would have come home smirking, had anyone been foolish enough to pants them (parenting two wildly-attractive exhibitionists has its own challenges...girls crawling through windows...coming in over the garden wall...oy...). But my Sons were lucky. Few are so lucky. For most thirteen-year-olds, this would be a horribly humiliating experience.

My Husband was nearly bullied to death, from fifth grade to graduation. The first time I saw him - we were 17-year-olds, in Bodybuilding 101, first semester of college - he was stooped-over, furtive, afraid to look others in the eye. He had severe acne, and a scalp scarred by Ringworm. At that point, he'd nearly taken his own life more times than he could count. Only consideration of his Mother's feelings had kept him from doing it. Poverty, being fatherless, being really smart...all had isolated him from his peers, and as Meredith Minter Dixon of RavenDays describes her own status, made him a hunted outsider.

Divine Intervention had to have brought us together, because that pitiful boy was just right for me. I was just as poor and hideous, and had been bullied a good bit, too. Unlike him, though, I'd not been physically attacked. Constant loud public insults are not as bad as physical attacks (I would consider being de-pantsed as a physical attack). Two effeminate boys in my high school were physically assaulted, and did kill themselves.

Well, that ugly boy and I became a team, then a couple. Between improved nutrition, vitamin supplements, weightlifting, swimming, and (most important) the flood of good brain chemicals you get from being in a wonderful loving relationship, we both blossomed. He had a late-onset growth spurt (including, probably, his brain, and definitely parts it's not nice to mention).

We started coaching each other on posture and elocution. We started a family. We started estate-building.

And now, I'm married to a six-foot-three mountain of muscle in a six thousand Dollar suit. His voice is impressively deep. His delivery is authoritative. His posture is that of a man in charge. His gaze intimidates.

But at the core of that magnificent man is still the boy who nearly died, because of bullies.

I'm telling you all of this, because I'm about to tell you what you should do. (instead of the usual squawking Mother Hen approach, which smothers boys, and does more harm than good)

Summer is nearly here, and over the course of a summer, a thirteen-year-old can transform himself, physically. You can accelerate Puberty and the development of Masculine Gender Signals. This should help with Peer Acceptance (or at least make him less vulnerable).

I know a brilliant Swede, who deliberately (and with the help of some medical texts) threw himself into early puberty. He had been yanked out of a good school in Beverly Hills, and thrown into a Dixie DumbBunny private academy in the Deep South, where the focus was Football. From a family of giant blonds, he was seen as future fodder for the Football machine, and hounded relentlessly to 'join the program' (Little League Football?). Then, he was bullied, as a result of his refusal. It was bad. So, he began exercising like mad, started limited sun exposure for the testosterone surge (collagen/cancer issues later, possibly, but it beats being an adolescent suicide), etc. He was sent back to Sweden for a happy summer with a bodybuilding (and Mossad-trained) branch of the family... and came back MORPHED...and dangerous. The bullying problem quickly went away (he seriously injured a bully, and it took strings-pulled, and threats-made, to cover it up and silence the injured psycho's family... but anyway...).

If you can afford it, get a membership to a non-threatening gym which accepts kids your son's age. Many gyms have summer programs for kids. Additionally, get him a personal trainer. Once, I was out of town, having a session with my temporary Trainer. Across the room was a twelve-year-old boy, whose trainer looked like a Super Hero. Huge, blond, built, and beautiful, this trainer was precisely the sort whose aura an obese kid needed to be importing (remember, a good trainer is on your team...a temporary best friend...). In other words, the kid was getting to identify with this guy.His self-image was surely being upgraded. I told my Trainer, and she said that the kid's Mom (a powerful Attorney) had just died of a massive heart attack (a few sleepless nights... a few cups of coffee too many...). I can't think of better therapy for a kid in such distress, than having a living superhero devoting hours to him...showing him how to become a superhero, himself.

Your kid needs an hour a day in the pool, all summer. Preferably, this is a pool which, while open-air, limits his sun exposure. There are all sorts of pool exercises, which are ideal for adolescents, whose bones have not yet hardened. (low-weight, high-reps exercises are traditionally recommended for adolescents, who can put on astonishing amounts of muscle that way).

Some sort of Martial Arts/fight training would not be a bad idea, at this point. And the calorie charts at the gym show that these disciplines burn calories like crazy. No wonder the Mixed Martial Arts dudes are among the hottest at the gym. Their flexibility training makes them good-looking, too.

Moderate sun exposure will help trigger a testosterone surge - a good thing - but temper its effects with Beta Carotene (Carrots, Broccoli, Swiss Chard, Mixed-Carotenoid capsules...), which helps the body convert sunlight effectively. Making sure he has an abundance of other antioxidants in his diet/supplements will also help limit damage from sun exposure.

And that leads me to diet: Now is the crucial time (a time window which will soon be closing) to evaluate your Son's diet (and yours). Whole grains and leafy green vegetables should be the bulk of your diet. Simple Carbohydrates (Sugar, cooked fruits, pasteurized fruit juices, soft drinks, pasta, white flour, bagels, the cereals most people eat...) should not even be in your house. Find your local whole foods co-op, and buy Millet, Raw Buckwheat, Lentils, Barley Flakes, Rolled Oats, Rye Flakes, raw Almonds, etc. in bulk. Here's my favorite nutrition information resource: WHFoods: The World's Healthiest Foods

While avoiding Simple Carbohydrates, you should be embracing good fats. These (unless one is allergic, of course) come from Sunflower Seeds, Nuts, Almonds, Avocados, and Olive Oil (if you can find the rare brands of undiluted Extra Virgin Olive Oil.) Add fats after cooking. Heated oils are bad for you, and make you ugly.

We're Vegetarians. But lean protein from steamed fish and boiled chicken breasts would not be a bad idea for a growing boy putting on muscle.

If you have a voice recording device, now is the time for your Son to start lowering his voice, perfecting his delivery. Plenty has been written, about how powerful men speak. Consult the experts. Listening to himself a few hundred times, on a recorder...getting better with each try...will yield amazing results. He can craft his personality to be exactly what he knows will give him maximum posture power with his peers.

Oh, POSTURE! Almost forgot! There are exercises (easy to find online) designed to improve posture. They work. A good three-way mirror is a great place for assessing one's own carriage. Videotaping yourself moving through space is good practice, too.

Ultimately, it is your Son's choice to eat right, exercise, deepen his voice... Some choose to survive and thrive. Some do not. You can lead a Horse to water....

The Personal Trainer (preferably a magnificent male he'll want to emulate) is a good first step.




Meredith Minter Dixon's story: Raven Days -- Stalag HS

Last edited by GrandviewGloria; 05-22-2012 at 03:36 PM..
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