U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 05-27-2012, 03:51 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 4,782,149 times
Reputation: 3579

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Can we all just agree that some of it is luck and some of it is planning?
Agreed.

 
Old 05-27-2012, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,229 posts, read 27,382,048 times
Reputation: 14296
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I like to think that any experience we learn from isn't a mistake. I guess if you say you worked part time for yourself, then you did, but I think most people would have done it for the kids. I know I did. I even had to take a demotion to do it. You don't have to pretend that that was a bad decision in order to justify your current one, you know. Things change. People change. I don't think it was a mistake to work when my kids were babies, even though I didn't work when they were preschoolers. I made the best choice I could at the time. It isn't all or nothing, back or white.
That's what I told myself but, later, I realized that the kids didn't need me to work part time. There was no benefit for them. The benefit was mine. Saying it was for the kids just made it seem less selfish. It's interesting how looking back changes your perspective. My kids are no better/worse off than if I'd worked full time except their college funds aren't quite as padded as they could have been.

Looking back, and seeing how many people I know who have lost everything due to illness or just the economy, I'm now of the opinion that we really need to make hay while the sun shines because we do not know what tomorrow will bring. I'm lucky that that decision only meant less in the bank. I'd feel awful if our lives had taken some of the turns I've seen friend's lives take and that money could have been the difference between saving our home and losing it. I have one friend who SAH and planned on making up for lost time when she went back to work only the economy tanked and then her dh lost his job. They lost everything. They're starting over in their mid 50s'. She never had any income potential but if it had been me and I'd walked away from an $80K job to SAH and then lost everything, I don't think I'd ever get over the guilt of putting my family through that.

If things stay the way they are, I'll just need a part time job on top of my full time job to get the kids through college so, cross your fingers, my mistake is correctable. However, I'm humbled by the fact that my selfishness could have cost them college alltogether had things played out differently. There are too many things we to not control to gamble with/on the future.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 03:59 PM
 
Location: here
23,531 posts, read 25,858,021 times
Reputation: 27700
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
That's what I told myself but, later, I realized that the kids didn't need me to work part time. There was no benefit for them. The benefit was mine. Saying it was for the kids just made it seem less selfish. It's interesting how looking back changes your perspective. My kids are no better/worse off than if I'd worked full time except their college funds aren't quite as padded as they could have been.

Looking back, and seeing how many people I know who have lost everything due to illness or just the economy, I'm now of the opinion that we really need to make hay while the sun shines because we do not know what tomorrow will bring. I'm lucky that that decision only meant less in the bank. I'd feel awful if our lives had taken some of the turns I've seen friend's lives take and that money could have been the difference between saving our home.

If things stay the way they are, I'll just need a part time job on top of my full time job to get the kids through college. However, I'm humbled by the fact that my selfishness could have cost them college alltogether had things played out differently. There are too many things we to not control to gamble with/on the future.
How do you know that?

I completely understand the need to make hay while the sun shines. That's why I'm looking for a job. It is time. But I will never regret the last 5 years I spent with the kids. I learned a lot about them, did a lot with and for them, and I think all of our lives will be better in the long run because of it. Maybe it wasn't "needed" but I still think there was a benefit. Plus, kids benefit from having a happy mom. Even if you do something to make yourself happy, it still benefits the kids.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,229 posts, read 27,382,048 times
Reputation: 14296
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
How do you know that?

I completely understand the need to make hay while the sun shines. That's why I'm looking for a job. It is time. But I will never regret the last 5 years I spent with the kids. I learned a lot about them, did a lot with and for them, and I think all of our lives will be better in the long run because of it. Maybe it wasn't "needed" but I still think there was a benefit. Plus, kids benefit from having a happy mom. Even if you do something to make yourself happy, it still benefits the kids.
Because kids don't turn out differently based on maternal working status. If working part time or SAH was for them, we'd see some difference. We don't.

Now, padded college accounts, OTOH, would have been for them and would have benefitted them. Too bad I see that in hind sight.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 04:12 PM
 
12,389 posts, read 6,753,812 times
Reputation: 16928
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunisgreat View Post
I'm a sahm of 3 - two teens and one pre-teen. It seems that everywhere- the grocery store, the dentist, the hair salon, I am asked "Are you off work today?" When I say I'm a sahm, the next question is always "How old are your kids?" Then I'm uncomfortable replying that they're school-age. I know they're just making conversation and not being nosy, but I can't help feeling judged somehow.

I probably shouldn't feel embarrassed, but I do. My husband and I made this choice together a few mos after the 2nd one was born. I'm still busy even though they're not toddlers anymore. There's piles of laundry, chauffering, early dismissal days, and the kids don't get bussing-so daily pick-up and drop-off. Then there's sports, and sports camps during the summer that the kids want to partcipate in. I also workout and run. Being home allows me to get all of the errands done during the day, instead of cutting into time when we're all home together.

I was a successful businesswoman before leaving my career to stay home. I want to return to work, but won't be able to until we have another driver in the family. The timing isn't conducive to returning right now.

Should I just say I'm unemployed?
OP, I sense that you are not completely content with where you are in your life right now, but I'd like to reassure you that most often the person asking about your life is probably just making conversation. You can choose to experience a question about your employment status as invasive and a precursor to judgement OR you can choose to see the question as a compliment that someone thinks you're worth getting to know better. As for me, I like to assume that those questions arise because another person is charmed by my sparkling personality! Perhaps you can choose to see it that way too.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 04:12 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 4,782,149 times
Reputation: 3579
So Ivory, do you think that mothers who choose to work part time or stay at home with their kids and later can't afford to put their children through college as a result of that decision are selfish?
 
Old 05-27-2012, 04:22 PM
 
Location: here
23,531 posts, read 25,858,021 times
Reputation: 27700
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Because kids don't turn out differently based on maternal working status. If working part time or SAH was for them, we'd see some difference. We don't.

Now, padded college accounts, OTOH, would have been for them and would have benefitted them. Too bad I see that in hind sight.
This has been debated at great length, and I have no desire to do it again. But you really have no way of knowing what long lasting feelings of security your kids gained by having you around. Babies know mom, and they know when it is her picking them up out of the crib after a nap, or whatever. I'm saying this as a mom who worked full time until my oldest was 2.

I just don't understand why you can't embrace your choices, all of them. *shrug*sometimes things don't go as planned, but that doesn't mean we didn't make the best choices we could have at the time.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,229 posts, read 27,382,048 times
Reputation: 14296
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
This has been debated at great length, and I have no desire to do it again. But you really have no way of knowing what long lasting feelings of security your kids gained by having you around. Babies know mom, and they know when it is her picking them up out of the crib after a nap, or whatever. I'm saying this as a mom who worked full time until my oldest was 2.

I just don't understand why you can't embrace your choices, all of them. *shrug*sometimes things don't go as planned, but that doesn't mean we didn't make the best choices we could have at the time.
There is no debate here because we have 40+ years of research that says there is no difference in how our kids turn out. Seriously, if maternal working status had 1/10th the impact many THINK it does (wishing doesn't make it so), we'd see a difference in our kids. We don't.

IF kids gained feelings of security or anything else from mom being home or being home part time vs working full time, we'd see some, measureable, difference. We don't. 40+ years of research has failed to find one if there is one. I think it's safe to assume it's irrelevent if there is one AND if there is one, we don't know whose children it would favor. Pehaps growing up in a financially secure household trumps having mom at home (before anyone runs off half cocked, I'm not saying all SAH households are financially insecure but finances are impacted by this decision.). All we know is that when our kids reach adulthood, you're hard pressed to tell whose mom SAH and whose mom RTW when they were 6 weeks old.

I think it's a pretty safe bet that SAH/WOH isn't causing differences in our kids.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,229 posts, read 27,382,048 times
Reputation: 14296
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorthy View Post
So Ivory, do you think that mothers who choose to work part time or stay at home with their kids and later can't afford to put their children through college as a result of that decision are selfish?
I think I was selfish to put myself first like that and not consider the financial impact on my children's future ability to go to college. I think I was stupid to gamble with our financial futures (turned out we're lucky and it didn't cost us the house). Not one of my prouder moments by any means. I wouldn't do it again.

I also think I was foolish to switch careers into teaching. Probably shouldn't have taken that pay cut. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. It's not all about me. You'd think I'd have figured that out by now.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 06:37 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 32,261,760 times
Reputation: 42186
Thread has been derailed. Hope the OP got the advice she needed.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top