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My 7-year old son is attending a 5-week camp for kids with dyslexia. We are carpooling with another family; I'm driving their son (also 7) every AM. Monday was the first day of camp. The boys were just jibber-jabbing the whole way until we pulled up to the school and I'm negotiating through the carpool line. As we are approaching the drop-off point, the other little boy says, "I hope there aren't any black kids in our class. They smell bad." My son innocently says, "They do??" and then the teacher is opening the door and the kids bound out of the car. I didn't have time to say a word to either of them, plus I was in shock as it came completely out of the blue.
I told my husband about it and he sat down with our son to discuss why what the other boy said was wrong, inaccurate, and completely inappropriate. My son appeared to understand.
On Wednesday afternoon, my nanny picked the boys up. She was adopted to the U.S. from South Korea at age 12. She's obviously of Asian descent in appearance, but American in every sense of the word. Apparently, the other little boy leaned over to my son and whispered, "Is she Chinese?" My nanny overheard the question and just took it into the open, explaining her ethnicity and history to him. He continued to insist that she "sounds Chinese," even though she has no accent whatsoever. He didn't really make any racial statements, but seems kind of obsessed with topics related to race/ethnicity.
I know the parents (our daughters also play softball together as well), but wouldn't say we're BFF's or anything like that. They are nice people. But I feel kind of obligated to say something to them. I'm just trying to think of the most diplomatic way to handle this. I certainly don't want to insinuate that they are racists or anything of the sort.
My 7-year old son is attending a 5-week camp for kids with dyslexia. We are carpooling with another family; I'm driving their son (also 7) every AM. Monday was the first day of camp. The boys were just jibber-jabbing the whole way until we pulled up to the school and I'm negotiating through the carpool line. As we are approaching the drop-off point, the other little boy says, "I hope there aren't any black kids in our class. They smell bad." My son innocently says, "They do??" and then the teacher is opening the door and the kids bound out of the car. I didn't have time to say a word to either of them, plus I was in shock as it came completely out of the blue.
I told my husband about it and he sat down with our son to discuss why what the other boy said was wrong, inaccurate, and completely inappropriate. My son appeared to understand.
On Wednesday afternoon, my nanny picked the boys up. She was adopted to the U.S. from South Korea at age 12. She's obviously of Asian descent in appearance, but American in every sense of the word. Apparently, the other little boy leaned over to my son and whispered, "Is she Chinese?" My nanny overheard the question and just took it into the open, explaining her ethnicity and history to him. He continued to insist that she "sounds Chinese," even though she has no accent whatsoever. He didn't really make any racial statements, but seems kind of obsessed with topics related to race/ethnicity.
I know the parents (our daughters also play softball together as well), but wouldn't say we're BFF's or anything like that. They are nice people. But I feel kind of obligated to say something to them. I'm just trying to think of the most diplomatic way to handle this. I certainly don't want to insinuate that they are racists or anything of the sort.
Any ideas?
Oh dear. I would personally stay out of it. Anything you say is bound to put the parents on the defensive even if you are coming from a good place.
If the kid has said things like this within your earshot, it's likely he's said things in front of his parents. Perhaps he's just fascinated by people who he perceives as "different" to himself. They may be handling it in their own way. There may actually be nothing to handle, apart from him being a bit rude.
Perhaps they are the ones putting those ideas in his head, who knows? But telling them about it is a) not going to change their minds and b) probably going to cause some kind of offense.
I think you need to leave it to them to discover and sort out in their own way.
All you can do is talk to your son, and tell him why you don't think it's appropriate for him to discuss other races in that manner. He's free to tell the other boy that he doesn't think what he's saying is correct.
You don't have to insinuate that the parents are racist, but their kid makes some disparaging racial remarks and he learned it from somewhere. It may not have been from them, but surely he says such dumb things in front of them too. If they cared, they would have corrected him.
I would tell them that you aren't comfortable driving their son due to the remarks he has been making. If they ask for details, tell them plainly without accusation. They will either be horrified and do something about it, or they will write you off for betraying your race or whatever weirdo bigots believe. If they seem appropriately shocked, maybe you can continue allowing this boy in your life ... judge what to do from their reaction to being politely confronted with their son's comments.
I would tell them that you aren't comfortable driving their son due to the remarks he has been making. If they ask for details, tell them plainly without accusation. They will either be horrified and do something about it, or they will write you off for betraying your race or whatever weirdo bigots believe. If they seem appropriately shocked, maybe you can continue allowing this boy in your life ... judge what to do from their reaction to being politely confronted with their son's comments.
This.
I would let the parents know in a non-confrontational manner what was said. Just tell them exactly what happened and I would emphasize the issue with the nanny, even though it was arguably the less racist of the statements. Obviously, you can't tolerate someone saying things like that about your nanny who you trust and rely on.
There are two things that will happen...
1. The parents will either become incredibly embarassed, apologize profusely and tell you they will resolve it and to let them know if any other comments are made.
2. They will look at you stone faced, tell you they will speak to their son about it or maybe even make an excuse for the comments. Then, they will find reasons not to be in the car pool and will start avoiding talking to you.
Either way, problem solved and you know where they stand and what kind of people they really are.
You don't have to insinuate that the parents are racist, but their kid makes some disparaging racial remarks and he learned it from somewhere. It may not have been from them, but surely he says such dumb things in front of them too. If they cared, they would have corrected him.
I would tell them that you aren't comfortable driving their son due to the remarks he has been making. If they ask for details, tell them plainly without accusation. They will either be horrified and do something about it, or they will write you off for betraying your race or whatever weirdo bigots believe. If they seem appropriately shocked, maybe you can continue allowing this boy in your life ... judge what to do from their reaction to being politely confronted with their son's comments.
I'm with this too. If someone came to me and told my my child had made racial remarks, I would be horrified, and I would make sure I sat down with her and talked to her about how hurtful and rude comments like that are, along with apolgizing to whoever she may have offended. I would NOT brush off the parents who told me or become angry. If that is how they react, you know to keep your kid far away because you now know exactly where he got it from.
The kid is 7. OP, do you have a lot of diversity in your neighborhood? Might this just be because the boy has little contact with other races and he finds them fascinating?
The OP herself said "He didn't really make any racial statements, but seems kind of obsessed with topics related to race/ethnicity."
That could just be 7 year old curiosity. He could have said "I hope there are no girls in the class, they smell bad." This wouldn't mean his parents are misogynists. They smell bad is a fairly common little boy insult.
Do you have any reason to suspect that the parents have any animosity toward other races? I would tread very carefully. Little boys don't necessarily have a filter, and may not understand that their words are hurtful to others.
I wouldn't label this kid or his parents "those kind of people" on this. Not without a lot more evidence.
The kid is 7. OP, do you have a lot of diversity in your neighborhood? Might this just be because the boy has little contact with other races and he finds them fascinating?
The OP herself said "He didn't really make any racial statements, but seems kind of obsessed with topics related to race/ethnicity."
That could just be 7 year old curiosity. He could have said "I hope there are no girls in the class, they smell bad." This wouldn't mean his parents are misogynists. They smell bad is a fairly common little boy insult.
Do you have any reason to suspect that the parents have any animosity toward other races? I would tread very carefully. Little boys don't necessarily have a filter, and may not understand that their words are hurtful to others.
I wouldn't label this kid or his parents "those kind of people" on this. Not without a lot more evidence.
You're right, it could be curiosity, or just an innocent remark. It could also be something more. As a parent, I would want to know if my child was making those kind of remarks so that I could correct her. For a kid to say "girls smell bad" is not anything major. A girl can easily fire back "boys smell bad" too. For a black child to hear "all black people smell bad" is very hurtful. The parents of this child should want to make sure that their child knows how hurtful that is, and that he shouldn't make remarks like that. They also wouldn't take it personally or get defensive about it if, even if the child did say it out fascination, curiousity, or whatever. They would still want him to know what is and isn't acceptable. If they don't care, condone it, or get angry, that would show that he probably learned those remarks from them.
Exactly. I've heard kids say all kinds of nutty things. (We all have.)
Had this boy been in my car the first thing I'd have done was say, "Why do you say that?" And let him give me an explanation. If he was just ignorant I'd say a few things about the equality of all people.
If he said something that said "Seven Year Old Racist" I'd tell him flat-out that kind of talk would not be tolerated in my car.
(Of course I'd probably also give him a quick run down of the contributions of AAs in our country and say, "You know Johnny's grandma marched with Dr. King. Pretty cool, huh?
And if he said it wasn't cool I'd have a chat with his parents to see if I really wanted to be chauffeuring this kid around town.)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 06-08-2012 at 08:45 AM..
You're right, it could be curiosity, or just an innocent remark. It could also be something more. As a parent, I would want to know if my child was making those kind of remarks so that I could correct her. For a kid to say "girls smell bad" is not anything major. A girl can easily fire back "boys smell bad" too. For a black child to hear "all black people smell bad" is very hurtful. The parents of this child should want to make sure that their child knows how hurtful that is, and that he shouldn't make remarks like that. They also wouldn't take it personally or get defensive about it if, even if the child did say it out fascination, curiousity, or whatever. They would still want him to know what is and isn't acceptable. If they don't care, condone it, or get angry, that would show that he probably learned those remarks from them.
Of course they'll get defensive and take it personally. You're going up to them telling them their child is bordering on being a racist.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and let them parent their own child. A 7 year old kid saying "She sounds Chinese" is not racist. I think we all agree that the kid is probably going to say something in front of his parents, and if he does, they'll deal with it.
If it's coming from them, what have you accomplished? If the kid rides with you and keeps it up, perhaps you could be a positive influence on him where his parents are not.
But I don't like this idea that if you speak to the parents and they get uncomfortable, then they're somehow complicit, or closet racists. I would get uncomfortable too, and I'd hate to see people misconstrue my parental reaction, especially if they're already leaning toward the idea that the kid "got it from me".
I dont think the child is racist but he is learning this type of nonsense from someone in his family or someone who he spends a lot of time with. Smh at the nanny sounding Chinese and that black people smell bad if the other child is speaking like this I wouldn't want him or "his" views around my child.
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