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I am thinking of talking quietly to his mother and sounding out her opinion; maybe he needs to hear from his family that it's okay for us to choose a different name, especially if we preserve one of them as a legacy to the family. His family has never been overbearing upon our decisions, and having that extra voice of support might help.
May I ask what your response would be if she feels you should call your son Henry Louis?
Your husband is obviously proud of his ancestry, I am not sure it's fair to say a name out of a baby name book has more importance than that. If, as you say, you have a great marriage, and he is very supportive and present in all other areas, I would think very carefully before making this the issue. Is it important enough to drive such a huge wedge between you?
The wife is the one who is expected to give birth right? So she gets the final say in my book. The minute he has to give birth, be stitched up, endure the agonies of PND breastfeeding, then he gets the final say. Until then he (they) can shut the hell up and be GRATEFUL she is choosing to even GIVE them another generation.
Furthermore, it is NOT ridiculous. Chances are they will indeed end up divorced, especially with his attitude, and the last thing you want is to have to use the name of a guy you have divorced, over and over, when speaking to your child. It wasn't something I considered at the time, but I'm so glad now that I didn't cave to the William IV pressure - don't forget, I've walked in these shoes.
Divorce happens. Future planning ensures she doesn't cave into something now, that she will regret in the future.
As I said, it's not a mild dislike for these names. She actually cannot stand them.
If I were the husband of a brand new pregnant lady, I wouldn't care what she wanted to call it, as long as she and the baby were healthy. I would be kissing the ground with gratitude.
It is her HUSBAND'S name. She can't stand her husband's NAME?
Regardless, the fact still remains that she married Henry Louis V. Did she REALLY think she was going to name her first son, "Brayden Shawn"?
Names are important. They influence the way we treat people. Parents have preconcieved notions of what a child's personality will be that can become self fullfilling prophecies based on name.
Really? If names are so important, why do we have people making up letters in names that "shouldnt" go there? Erykah, D'Sean, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope
The wife is the one who is expected to give birth right? So she gets the final say in my book. The minute he has to give birth, be stitched up, endure the agonies of PND breastfeeding, then he gets the final say. Until then he (they) can shut the hell up and be GRATEFUL she is choosing to even GIVE them another generation.
Oh hardly. Labor isnt THAT hard that it gives the woman power to everything to be a "witch" about everything that the husband wants.
The wife is the one who is expected to give birth right? So she gets the final say in my book. The minute he has to give birth, be stitched up, endure the agonies of PND breastfeeding, then he gets the final say. Until then he (they) can shut the hell up and be GRATEFUL she is choosing to even GIVE them another generation.
Furthermore, it is NOT ridiculous. Chances are they will indeed end up divorced, especially with his attitude, and the last thing you want is to have to use the name of a guy you have divorced, over and over, when speaking to your child. It wasn't something I considered at the time, but I'm so glad now that I didn't cave to the William IV pressure - don't forget, I've walked in these shoes.
Divorce happens. Future planning ensures she doesn't cave into something now, that she will regret in the future.
As I said, it's not a mild dislike for these names. She actually cannot stand them.
If I were the husband of a brand new pregnant lady, I wouldn't care what she wanted to call it, as long as she and the baby were healthy. I would be kissing the ground with gratitude.
thankfully you are in the minority on that one.
No, the divorce rate is about 50%. That's half. Most couples don;t divorce, half do. From her description of their relationship, I'd say chances are they'll stay together. There is no greater chance of them divorcing than there is of them staying together.
Your opinions on this are obviously coming from an emotional place, not a logical one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neniathe
We've been together for 7 years. In that time, we discussed baby names and his position was much more flexible then. He floated a few names he liked (mostly for girls, a few for boys) along with the possibility of continuing his family name. I actually brought up the boy's names he mentioned in some of those discussions as possibilities or starting points, since all of them were lovely, and he shook his head to them all. For a second child, if we were ever to have one, he said they were great choices but not for a firstborn.
His position became really entrenched; that's why it is so much of an emotional flashpoint for me now, because up until this point we had been agreeable to finding a great name. He's absolutely supportive and excited about all aspects of the pregnancy, and he has been marvelous. It's this one issue. So no, I didn't come into this thinking I could change his mind on an expectation that was set in concrete because up until now it wasn't ever concrete.
I am thinking of talking quietly to his mother and sounding out her opinion; maybe he needs to hear from his family that it's okay for us to choose a different name, especially if we preserve one of them as a legacy to the family. His family has never been overbearing upon our decisions, and having that extra voice of support might help.
I think you should leave his family out of it. I think you should follow the tradition if HE wants to not because his parents or grand parents want you to.
I actually like the name Henry, it's classic. Sure beats some of the "made up" silly names that some children are punished with these days. Not crazy about Louis, but how often do people use their middle names? My ex husband's first name was Gary, and no offense to anyone with that name, but there was no way I was naming my son after his dad. So, I understand where you're coming from. We divorced, so I am really pleased about that decision. This is obviously really, extremely important to your husband, so that is something to take into consideration for sure. I wish you much luck, as this is a tough situation.
Another point I thought I might make in response to this. My husband goes by a nickname, so do his dad and his grandfather (Hal and Harry). None of them use the specific name.
There are a few reasons as to why I dislike both the names. One or two are concrete, and I've expressed them. An older family member in my family had the name, and he was a terribly unpleasant individual who harmed relationships with my relatives/myself, which in part informs why I'm not very keen on using it for a baby. My spouse understands that. I recognize some are irrational or emotionally driven, much as certain people absolutely can't stand the taste of brussel sprouts, the color orange, hip hop music, etc. They are not my preference. They fall in the category of 'I don't care much for it' and 'I really dislike it'. Exposure and really trying to change my opinion about them by framing them in a positive light, looking at all the great people in history and society, exploring the family tree and the background of the names, hasn't fundamentally shifted them to the point where I feel I could live happily with both alone.
I've talked to my spouse, I've talked to my family, and I've turned here to see how I can resolve it to where we're both satisfied. I wanted to go with one of the names and a middle name, a different name with both names, both names with a second name. I could live with Henry Louis if we added another name since I feel that is important, but he doesn't wish to break the line of Henry Louises by doing even that because his ancestors didn't have additional names. None of those are go with my husband. I also feel rather sad that I don't have any input on the names if baby's a boy. Feels a bit like my opinion doesn't matter because this one thing is set, period, full stop when it never was before.
It's just this one issue and this one instance he's attached to an ideal I understand, but I'm finding difficult and upsetting because inflexibility shuts me out any discussion or compromise for our only child. I want to compromise with him to honour the tradition in a way that makes us both content, like finding a name which is ours, one that might suit our son, one that holds as much meaning and affection and love as he has for his names. We both made this baby, we're both going to love it no matter what it is, and a choice of name is meant to celebrate that. Baby will bear his surname just like I do, and my ultimate hope is that he or she will bear two or three names that we jointly bestowed as our gifts. Family desires are important, but I feel I have an equal say in the discussion, as much as he does. Never for the life of me would I consider grabbing the birth certificate form in a hormone/drug/exhaustion induced haze, slapping down the names I liked best, and calling it a day. For a girl, he's been creative, receptive, and cooperative about names. It's just the boy. I've reiterated that I'm sensitive and open to his wishes if we can find something that will accommodate my hopes as well, and it's falling into a murky place.
I don't know his exact motivation for needing the name just so, just that way. Fear of disapproval if he changed it? He's not particularly traditional in many other areas, so his absolute insistence is a bit new. Childhood expectation held into adulthood? Overwhelmed with awareness he's about to be a dad? I'm trying to figure it out so we can address it. I love this man, and I want to find the right way to go about this.
Also: Luc is a great one. I like that! I'll try suggesting it to him and see what he says.
I think the best thing is to be firm and let him know you will agree with let him have one name first or middle but he does not get to choose both.
I agree with this statement. Whatever you decide to do it is between you and your husband. Although I think you should consider how this might affect your relationship with your in laws, I do not think you should involve them in the decision.
^ I agree with this line of thinking because you will just create more stress by adding them to the mix. There will be members of the family pissed about you not wanting the name, and trying to influence you.
Why wasn't this discussed BEFORE you got married or pregnant?
Divorce is rampant in our society, and people's refusal to discuss "dealbreakers" with possible spouses is one reason why. If divorce was NOT an easy option/out for people, they may take the time to discuss things that matter BEFORE they make a promise/vow "til death do us part". Too many people ignore the vows (you can't trust a person who will make a vow they do not take seriously, IMO) and focus too much on the "party" - ie, wedding/reception/honeymoon.
How you both handle this will be a good indicator of the REAL state of your marriage, and the decision/committment you both made.
Not sure why others just can't seem to grasp this, especially our young mom-to-be
I imagine because as she said he was never dead set against compromise until recently.
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