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Old 06-14-2012, 12:41 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
458 posts, read 387,244 times
Reputation: 273

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I am a 27 year old male. My parents have been controlling my whole life, one more so than the other. I moved out of their house right after college even though they wanted me to stay. Then they forced me to buy a house with them to stop renting a few years ago. However, they do not live in the house with me. The problem is that they refused to kick out a tenant prior to me moving in. Now I am dealing with the legal process of removing the roommate that I never wanted in a house I never wanted.

In general, they think it's ok to tell me what to do all the time and try to make me feel guilty if I don't listen to them. As another example, I was forced to go to a college they wanted, not the one of my choice. I no longer live with them to have space and it has been difficult to feel less guilty when I disobey them. How do you handle controlling parents like this?
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Old 06-14-2012, 12:50 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 3,032,079 times
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Since you are an adult who does not live with your controlling parents, you need to learn to set and enforce boundaries, say "no" and not feel guilt when you go against their wishes. If you wish to understand them better you could do some reading on enneagram personalities. Enneagram Institute: Enneagram Testing & Training
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:16 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 7,523,149 times
Reputation: 8196
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngusHsu View Post
I am a 27 year old male. My parents have been controlling my whole life, one more so than the other. I moved out of their house right after college even though they wanted me to stay. Then they forced me to buy a house with them to stop renting a few years ago. However, they do not live in the house with me. The problem is that they refused to kick out a tenant prior to me moving in. Now I am dealing with the legal process of removing the roommate that I never wanted in a house I never wanted.

In general, they think it's ok to tell me what to do all the time and try to make me feel guilty if I don't listen to them. As another example, I was forced to go to a college they wanted, not the one of my choice. I no longer live with them to have space and it has been difficult to feel less guilty when I disobey them. How do you handle controlling parents like this?
How did they *force* you to buy a house with them? Let go of your need to please them.

Coping With Controlling Parents? 5 Ways to Take Your Life Back : Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:19 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
458 posts, read 387,244 times
Reputation: 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
How did they *force* you to buy a house with them? Let go of your need to please them.

Coping With Controlling Parents? 5 Ways to Take Your Life Back : Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals

I was in a bad roommate situation in an apartment building and needed another place to live. Both roommates were not viable anymore.

It's a massive guilt trip. I would have been deemed a horrible son if I didn't listen to them.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:20 PM
 
8,012 posts, read 3,943,863 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngusHsu View Post
I was in a bad roommate situation in an apartment building and needed another place to live. Both roommates were not viable anymore.

It's a massive guilt trip. I would have been deemed a horrible son if I didn't listen to them.
So be deemed a horrible son. Big deal.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:23 PM
 
2,227 posts, read 2,319,349 times
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A few thoughts.

Sell the house and get out from under "owing them," if I were you I'd probably leave the area and try to start my own life somewhere and visit on holidays. If you are interested in marriage and your own family you need to get away because it will just get worse.

Read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, its a good book for learning how to tell people you love to back off.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:23 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 7,523,149 times
Reputation: 8196
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngusHsu View Post
I was in a bad roommate situation in an apartment building and needed another place to live. Both roommates were not viable anymore.

It's a massive guilt trip. I would have been deemed a horrible son if I didn't listen to them.
So.. LET GO of the guilt. You need to understand that it's their problem, not yours. If they call you a horrible son, what is the worst that can happen? Do you have a job, income of your own? Then ignore the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:24 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
458 posts, read 387,244 times
Reputation: 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
A few thoughts.

Sell the house and get out from under "owing them," if I were you I'd probably leave the area and try to start my own life somewhere and visit on holidays. If you are interested in marriage and your own family you need to get away because it will just get worse.

Read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, its a good book for learning how to tell people you love to back off.

Selling the house would result in a huge financial loss. Giving up my share of ownership is better. Thoughts?
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:26 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
458 posts, read 387,244 times
Reputation: 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
So.. LET GO of the guilt. You need to understand that it's their problem, not yours. If they call you a horrible son, what is the worst that can happen? Do you have a job, income of your own? Then ignore the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail.

Yes, I have a steady job in finance.
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Old 06-14-2012, 01:32 PM
 
2,227 posts, read 2,319,349 times
Reputation: 3904
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngusHsu View Post
Selling the house would result in a huge financial loss. Giving up my share of ownership is better. Thoughts?
Whichever works, I would just get out of it.

For background on my thoughts. I'm the older child and my parents have always let me do whatever without any controlling tendencies. Strangely, my younger sister is quite under their thumb even still. My parents helped her buy a house and despite having bought them out years ago they still refer to it as "their house," make updates etc. and feel like they have a say in everything to do with the house. They live several states away from her so I can't even imagine what it would be like to be closer.

Get out of the house and then start looking for a job somewhere else, your parents will drive a potential spouse nuts and then attempt to dictate how your future children are raised...it will be miserable, get out while you can and love them from afar and visit on Christmas
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