Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-21-2012, 03:15 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,417,526 times
Reputation: 12590

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexiana View Post
I'm 26, a lesbian, and have not come out to my parents, although there have been some subtle and not-so-subtle signs for years that I may be homosexual. In a recent phone convo with mom, she said "...because when you meet a special person, I don't want you to take them for granted".

When she said that, shivers went up my spine and I had to get off the phone. I've struggled with my sexuality for years, developed panic and anxiety disorders, and been depressed. I feel the only way out of ths suffering is to come out to the people I love most... But I'm scared.

The most hurtful aspect of al this is that I feel I'd be a disappointment not because of something I did, but because of who i am. Something intrinsic, that could never be changed. The thought that I may be seen as a disappointment or not looked at the same by my parents is what I find so nerve wracking.

Does my mom know?
I know you are scared to come out to them, but at one point or another, you have to be who you are. You can be sorry when you're wrong, and when you do something unlikeable, but you can't be sorry for being who you are. No one can demand you to be anyone other than who you are.

It's harder to come out to parents if you're more dependent on them financially/emotionally, though. Are you living with your parents? Is there a real chance they could kick you out if you came "out"? You might want to wait till a time when you are independent enough to make it on your own without their blessings, but sooner or later, you will have to be honest with your parents.

I think that will probably help you a lot with anxiety. Having to be "on stage" and act like someone you're not requires a lot of energy and produces a lot of anxiety. If you can at least surround yourself with friends who accept you the way you are, that will give you a space in which you can be more relaxed and be yourself, which will in turn help with the anxiety.

If it turns out you come out to your parents and they do see you as a disappointment, you'll have to realize that's their stuff. You can't take on their stuff. We all want approval from our parents but we have to realize that the only person's approval we need is our own. You can't live by your parents' approval forever. I understand if you need it for now if you are still dependent on them, but just keep in mind that functioning by your parents' approval is not something that has to be the case for your whole entire life.

I do hope that things go well for you and that you are able to come out and be yourself around your parents one day. Best of luck to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-21-2012, 03:16 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,815,685 times
Reputation: 12272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I can't say if your mother suspects or not either, but, as a parent, I would honestly want my child to share that with me.

By what you've written OP, I'm not sure you yourself are comfortable with your sexuality. I would encourage you to embrace it before you expect your parents to.
This is a great post!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2012, 03:16 PM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,724,169 times
Reputation: 15642
Alexiana, I got tears in my eyes when I read this. My dd is 20 and a lesbian and I love her unconditionally. I will admit to some disappointment in the beginning when I found out--she was 16. But my disappointment was not in her but in having to let go of certain preconceived notions, as this was one that I didn't see coming--not really. She was the kid who spent the whole year she was 4 in a tutu and at 8 all she wanted for her b-day was make-up. She is still like that, but even before I found out I already was beginning to suspect, because even though she is beautiful, it seemed that either boys weren't taking an interest in her or she wasn't taking an interest in the boys so that was my first clue. So, like we have these little fantasies in our heads about having you married with children and then we just have to shift gears and she will still probably be married or in a relationship with children some day and if it doesn't match my exact fantasy, well you know what? Very rarely do our children choose for themselves what we would have chosen for them. (Yes, I agree this is not a choice, but I'm venturing into the territory of careers and choosing a spouse, etc) But read my words--the disappointment was never in her as a person. Never ever. I agree with the others that your mom is wanting to talk and the relief will be huge when you come out to her--both for you and for her, so please go schedule a talk, unless she is an extreme religious fundamentalist that would disown you, but I don't get that sense from your OP. And please let us know how it goes.

Sidenote: I was talking to a friend after my dd and my husband both came out in the same year, and she has a gay son and she said that she has known since he was a very young boy because certain traits were obvious. She adores her son still. I should have known with my dd--was looking at her childhood artwork one day and she always had a thing for drawing rainbows. LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2012, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,975,551 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
I know you are scared to come out to them, but at one point or another, you have to be who you are. You can be sorry when you're wrong, and when you do something unlikeable, but you can't be sorry for being who you are. No one can demand you to be anyone other than who you are.

It's harder to come out to parents if you're more dependent on them financially/emotionally, though. Are you living with your parents? Is there a real chance they could kick you out if you came "out"? You might want to wait till a time when you are independent enough to make it on your own without their blessings, but sooner or later, you will have to be honest with your parents.

I think that will probably help you a lot with anxiety. Having to be "on stage" and act like someone you're not requires a lot of energy and produces a lot of anxiety. If you can at least surround yourself with friends who accept you the way you are, that will give you a space in which you can be more relaxed and be yourself, which will in turn help with the anxiety.

If it turns out you come out to your parents and they do see you as a disappointment, you'll have to realize that's their stuff. You can't take on their stuff. We all want approval from our parents but we have to realize that the only person's approval we need is our own. You can't live by your parents' approval forever. I understand if you need it for now if you are still dependent on them, but just keep in mind that functioning by your parents' approval is not something that has to be the case for your whole entire life.

I do hope that things go well for you and that you are able to come out and be yourself around your parents one day. Best of luck to you.
I agree that a strong support group of friends can be extremely helpful to someone in your situation.
Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 12:39 AM
 
10,629 posts, read 26,636,587 times
Reputation: 6776
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexiana View Post
I'm 26, a lesbian, and have not come out to my parents, although there have been some subtle and not-so-subtle signs for years that I may be homosexual. In a recent phone convo with mom, she said "...because when you meet a special person, I don't want you to take them for granted".

When she said that, shivers went up my spine and I had to get off the phone. I've struggled with my sexuality for years, developed panic and anxiety disorders, and been depressed. I feel the only way out of ths suffering is to come out to the people I love most... But I'm scared.

The most hurtful aspect of al this is that I feel I'd be a disappointment not because of something I did, but because of who i am. Something intrinsic, that could never be changed. The thought that I may be seen as a disappointment or not looked at the same by my parents is what I find so nerve wracking.

Does my mom know?
Sounds like she at least considers it a possibility. It also sounds like she's trying to send you a clear signal that she doesn't care. Unless there's more to the story, I think your fears regarding your parents are unfounded.

My child is still young, but personally I think I'd be very disappointed and hurt if it took until age 26 for my kid to tell me if he was gay. I'd wonder what I as a parent did wrong (even if I didn't do anything "wrong") -- NOT because my kid was gay or lesbian, but because I'd wonder why he hid it from me -- his own mother!! -- for so long.

Go tell your mom!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 07:40 AM
 
1,135 posts, read 2,376,807 times
Reputation: 1514
You're mom probably knows you're gay. She may be waiting for you to say something. Or, if your hunch is correct, she may be uncomfortable with it and trying to tell herself her intuition is wrong.

In any case, it's time to have the "conversation." I doubt she'll be surprised. She'll probably be relieved and it could bring you closer.

My friends who are gay have all been accepted by their parents. In some cases it took a while, but in all cases their parents came to terms with it. They also eventually accepted their partners and attended their civil union services and receptions.

Good luck. I know it won't be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 01:53 PM
 
83 posts, read 434,466 times
Reputation: 198
Thanks from the advice guys. I write a letter or tell her in person?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,975,551 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexiana View Post
Thanks from the advice guys. I write a letter or tell her in person?
My friends and the friends of my daughter all told their parents in person. But, it probably depends on how often you see her or what you are most comfortable doing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 02:57 PM
 
1,135 posts, read 2,376,807 times
Reputation: 1514
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexiana View Post
Thanks from the advice guys. I write a letter or tell her in person?
I'd tell her in person if you feel comfortable doing so and live close enough where this is possible. It's usually easier to communicate face to face b/c you can see the other person's facial expressions and body language. Plus, she may want to give you a hug
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2012, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,892,136 times
Reputation: 2410
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
My friends and the friends of my daughter all told their parents in person. But, it probably depends on how often you see her or what you are most comfortable doing.
I agree with this. As a parent, I would want my children to be able to tell me face-to-face (and to answer your OP, my child coming out to me would change nothing for our relationship, except making me happy s/he trusted me), but it really boils down to what you feel most comfortable doing and what is the most practical for telling her sooner rather than later. You mentioned having some anxiety difficulties (IIRC), do you have a therapist that you can run through the possibilities for telling your mom? I wish you all of the best and I hope it goes much, much more smoothly than you fear it will. Please let us know how you're doing, if you can!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top