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Child is 20 years old, under lots of stress and mental problems (clincal depression and BPD). Kid didn't pass a clinical and--if she decided to stay in school--would take a total of six years to graduate. GPA, however, is a 3.7 after three years of college.
Kid isn't in any kind of legal trouble and has two jobs that pay enough to support a very modest lifestyle. She wants to be a writer, but realizes that writers must work hard to make a decent living and oftentimes need a day job to make ends meet. Kid doesn't have any debt, she is single with no children.
Would you disown this child?
ETA: This is NOT a joke...this is a situation I am in.
Absolutly NOT!
I understand parents want the best for their children but sometimes college just isn't for everyone. Even people with a 3.7. It must be very stressful to hold down two jobs and college courses so I can understand all the stress.
I honestly don't know what my child could do in order for me to disown her. You are supposed to love your children unconditionally, not whether or not they always do what you want them to do.
Okay, jumping in here kinda belatedly! I am familiar with BPD, as I have a relative with this disorder. It's a very, very tough one, both for the person with it and frequently for those closest to that person.
OP: I admire your acceptance of your diagnosis. Many who have BPD absolutely deny it - it shows a lot of courage for you to admit to it and to have worked to cope with its effects. When you were in therapy, did you receive DBT? It's a newer form of therapy which seems to be more successful than most other therapies in helping individuals with BPD to straighten out their thinking, to learn to pause before reacting to triggers, and to recognize dysfunctional behaviors which are second nature with this disorder. It also helps people with BPD learn to see things in more nuanced ways rather than seeing everything as black or white.
Also, there are a number of online support groups and forums dealing with BPD, both for those who have it and for family members and friends (separate groups). I'd strongly suggest that both you and your mother look into these groups. Some are better than others, so you might want to lurk for a bit before joining. All are anonymous and can be very helpful.
As for your present situation, you seem to have a lot going on just now: deciding whether or not dropping out of college is a good idea or not, your mother's negative reaction and trying to figure out just what she meant and if she was just reacting in frustration or really intends to cut you off entirely, your mental/emotional and physical health problems, losing your therapist, working a couple of well-paying but I assume part-time jobs and working on a novel manuscript on your own time. That's a heck of a lot to balance - no wonder you're physically and emotionally worn down. As I am sure you know, being that weary puts you at a much higher risk for BPD flares, with the associated dysfunctional thinking and perceptions.
So - how about taking the summer off from college, focussing on finding help with living with BPD, getting your physical health and energy level improved, stabilizing whatever meds you may need, and generally getting yourself in the best physical and emotional condition possible? If you could do this - with appropriate help - then you'd be in a better place for making decisions about college. Perhaps cutting back and taking just a couple of college courses each semester for a year would help as well - you'd still be making progress towards a degree but would have less stress and more time for your job(s) and your writing. What I am suggesting here is of course the middle ground - somewhere between dropping out entirely and going to college full-time. It may not be what either you or your mother want, but a compromise would seem to have much to offer and I think would be very beneficial over time.
You mentioned somewhere in this long thread that your mother also has had some emotional/psychological problems in the past - I am sure you know that many of these disorders can run in families. Given her own history, your mother may be dealing with more than just simple frustration over your wish to drop out - she may be feeling fear for you, perhaps unwarranted guilt over your illness, denial, and a host of other unhelpful but unavoidable emotions. She is clearly distressed about your difficulties. So - see if you can cut her a bit of slack, try to put yourself in her shoes, back off a bit emotionally yourself, try to see the shades of gray...keep your cool with her instead of responding emotionally initially, which of course is most people's first reaction.
Instead, tell your mother you need to do some thinking and planning about your future, and ask for her support with this planning stage - not to push you, but to give you a couple of weeks during which neither of you will provoke an argument with the other, will treat each other courteously and with patience, etc. But don't stretch this planning out beyond two weeks - keep your word.
During the next two weeks, think about where you want to be in six months, then in a year, then in two, five, ten, etc. But focus mostly on short-term plans. Make a list of six-month possibilities, add ways to make them happen, include what you have right now that will work for you, add what you lack at present but need to make your plans succeed. Possible (and some probable) entries would be appropriate meds, additional self-education, and counseling to help you with your diagnoses, perhaps better nutrition, more exercise, more rest, avoidance of addictive substances (including caffeine and nicotine, if these are applicable - not saying they are, as I don't know, but perhaps something to consider), maybe taking the summer off or just taking one course this summer if it's not too late, perhaps online, cutting back to one job for the summer, making encouraging friends who will support your goals (not support you financially! :-)), generally getting yourself in better shape in as many ways as possible.
If your mother seems receptive, tell her you really need to have her on your side. Not to carry you, not to baby you, not to put you down or blame you or make excuses for you...but to be your mother, to love you, to help you be as healthy and to make the best decisions you can. And in return, you'll try to do the very best you can, will treat her with respect and love, may agree to disagree agreeably (hope that makes sense!), and will keep her posted when it's appropriate
Pull it all together in logical written form, then see if you can talk it over with your mother. Pick your moment - when both of you are calm and less likely to trigger each other. Keep your cool, even if she does not. I hope this approach will be helpful for both you and your mother, and that it will help you make realistic and workable plans for your future.
Child is 20 years old, under lots of stress and mental problems (clincal depression and BPD). Kid didn't pass a clinical and--if she decided to stay in school--would take a total of six years to graduate. GPA, however, is a 3.7 after three years of college.
Kid isn't in any kind of legal trouble and has two jobs that pay enough to support a very modest lifestyle. She wants to be a writer, but realizes that writers must work hard to make a decent living and oftentimes need a day job to make ends meet. Kid doesn't have any debt, she is single with no children.
Would you disown this child?
ETA: This is NOT a joke...this is a situation I am in.
No but i would suggest she stay in school to get her degree because that guarantees a a backup in the very good chance the writing doesn't pick up.
You might also visit the Writing forum for suggestions about jobs where you can write and pay your bills while you write the Great American novel. Having a degree helps a lot, but you knew that--it's competitive out there.
OP, I'm sorry you have mental health issues. That's a tough thing to deal with and you certainly have my sympathies.
But - (and you knew there was one) - you need to give your mother a break, IMO. It doesn't sound to me like she disowned you, or even said anything vaguely inappropriate. She told you the truth. In your field, IIRC, you can't exactly pick it up on the job, you need training. You won't be able to pursue your chosen career without it.
And if you're going to go the no college route, you need a damn fine work ethic and some serious drive to be successful. If you had some passion about something that you pursued relentlessly that didn't require a degree, then you would have a shot. Working minimum wage jobs all your life is not the answer.
Not to out you, but have you shared your plans for having a child as a single parent with your mother? I would wager that if you have, the fact that you are now dropping out of college and will have a hard time supporting yourself adequately and may indeed try and go through with having children anyway, has totally terrified your mother beyond comprehension. She is right to speak up, because not only is she concerned about you, but she is likely concerned that you will not be able to take care of yourself and she will be left quite literally, holding the baby.
Plans change. Where did I mention I was trying to have a baby? If you read through my previous threads, you would realize only under certain conditions would I be a single mother. With this new plan? Not so much.
So please, stop while you are ahead and quit bringing drama into my thread!
Okay, jumping in here kinda belatedly! I am familiar with BPD, as I have a relative with this disorder. It's a very, very tough one, both for the person with it and frequently for those closest to that person.
OP: I admire your acceptance of your diagnosis. Many who have BPD absolutely deny it - it shows a lot of courage for you to admit to it and to have worked to cope with its effects. When you were in therapy, did you receive DBT? It's a newer form of therapy which seems to be more successful than most other therapies in helping individuals with BPD to straighten out their thinking, to learn to pause before reacting to triggers, and to recognize dysfunctional behaviors which are second nature with this disorder. It also helps people with BPD learn to see things in more nuanced ways rather than seeing everything as black or white.
I dropped out of DBT after 9/10 months. It wasn't helping me, and my therapist was there when I needed her the most.
Quote:
Also, there are a number of online support groups and forums dealing with BPD, both for those who have it and for family members and friends (separate groups). I'd strongly suggest that both you and your mother look into these groups. Some are better than others, so you might want to lurk for a bit before joining. All are anonymous and can be very helpful.
As for your present situation, you seem to have a lot going on just now: deciding whether or not dropping out of college is a good idea or not, your mother's negative reaction and trying to figure out just what she meant and if she was just reacting in frustration or really intends to cut you off entirely, your mental/emotional and physical health problems, losing your therapist, working a couple of well-paying but I assume part-time jobs and working on a novel manuscript on your own time. That's a heck of a lot to balance - no wonder you're physically and emotionally worn down. As I am sure you know, being that weary puts you at a much higher risk for BPD flares, with the associated dysfunctional thinking and perceptions.
I didn't start writing my novel and working my second job until after I medically withdrew from school, but I was physically worn out from working, going to school full-time, trying to do therapy....it was just too much to handle.
Quote:
So - how about taking the summer off from college, focussing on finding help with living with BPD, getting your physical health and energy level improved, stabilizing whatever meds you may need, and generally getting yourself in the best physical and emotional condition possible? If you could do this - with appropriate help - then you'd be in a better place for making decisions about college. Perhaps cutting back and taking just a couple of college courses each semester for a year would help as well - you'd still be making progress towards a degree but would have less stress and more time for your job(s) and your writing. What I am suggesting here is of course the middle ground - somewhere between dropping out entirely and going to college full-time. It may not be what either you or your mother want, but a compromise would seem to have much to offer and I think would be very beneficial over time.
That may be the way to go. I could take the minimum requirements in my nursing program (six creds) and keep it moving...but I'm not happy. For too long, I've tried to do what everyone else wants me to do, but now I'm ready to chase my dreams, as flighty and unrealistic as they may be. But I will definitely keep your middle ground suggestion in mind. It is good.
Quote:
You mentioned somewhere in this long thread that your mother also has had some emotional/psychological problems in the past - I am sure you know that many of these disorders can run in families. Given her own history, your mother may be dealing with more than just simple frustration over your wish to drop out - she may be feeling fear for you, perhaps unwarranted guilt over your illness, denial, and a host of other unhelpful but unavoidable emotions. She is clearly distressed about your difficulties. So - see if you can cut her a bit of slack, try to put yourself in her shoes, back off a bit emotionally yourself, try to see the shades of gray...keep your cool with her instead of responding emotionally initially, which of course is most people's first reaction.
Oh she is, so much so she is spreading my business to her friends and her friends are coming back asking me questions, telling me that I will be nothing without a degree. Screw the fact that I wasn't happy or mentally stable, college degree and money is king.
Quote:
Instead, tell your mother you need to do some thinking and planning about your future, and ask for her support with this planning stage - not to push you, but to give you a couple of weeks during which neither of you will provoke an argument with the other, will treat each other courteously and with patience, etc. But don't stretch this planning out beyond two weeks - keep your word.
During the next two weeks, think about where you want to be in six months, then in a year, then in two, five, ten, etc. But focus mostly on short-term plans. Make a list of six-month possibilities, add ways to make them happen, include what you have right now that will work for you, add what you lack at present but need to make your plans succeed. Possible (and some probable) entries would be appropriate meds, additional self-education, and counseling to help you with your diagnoses, perhaps better nutrition, more exercise, more rest, avoidance of addictive substances (including caffeine and nicotine, if these are applicable - not saying they are, as I don't know, but perhaps something to consider), maybe taking the summer off or just taking one course this summer if it's not too late, perhaps online, cutting back to one job for the summer, making encouraging friends who will support your goals (not support you financially! :-)), generally getting yourself in better shape in as many ways as possible.
If your mother seems receptive, tell her you really need to have her on your side. Not to carry you, not to baby you, not to put you down or blame you or make excuses for you...but to be your mother, to love you, to help you be as healthy and to make the best decisions you can. And in return, you'll try to do the very best you can, will treat her with respect and love, may agree to disagree agreeably (hope that makes sense!), and will keep her posted when it's appropriate
Pull it all together in logical written form, then see if you can talk it over with your mother. Pick your moment - when both of you are calm and less likely to trigger each other. Keep your cool, even if she does not. I hope this approach will be helpful for both you and your mother, and that it will help you make realistic and workable plans for your future.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you. I wish I could say that this approach would work, but I doubt it. My mom is just so set in her ways, it really is hard for her to see that there are many paths to success, and maybe (just maybe), the college degree isn't the path for me.
If you like to write, why were you majoring in nursing?
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