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Old 07-05-2012, 12:10 PM
 
13,250 posts, read 9,872,112 times
Reputation: 14296

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
Look down the road about 30-40 years more.
Will your children still be with you? Or will they have families and lives without you?
Will you be alone or with someone that is a good friend and companion.

Trust me on this. You will miss not having a great companion. I see one of my children about every two years. Another is a very busy guy with 6 kids. I doubt if I am thought about much. But, my friend is by my side everyday. He's here and he is my life. I hate to think what it would be if he were merely the guy that made it possible for me to have babies.

Your partner should be much more than a mere sperm donor.
Where did she say she wanted a mere sperm donor? She wants a family, and whether your kids come to see you in your dotage or not, that's an experience you can't replace.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deevel79 View Post
Do what I did. I am 33yrs old. Have no kids nor do I want any. Instead I went out and bought a dog! When people as if I have any kids, I tell them yes and show them a pic of my 3 month old Boston Terrier pup! Twice the fun and entertainment with a fraction of the responsibility that comes with having a child!

Just yesterday I was spending the 4th with my family and had a female cousin ask me when do I plan on having kids. My response was...."for what?" She looked at me as if that was the worst thing she ever heard in her life. Not even 10 minutes later she was practically pulling her hair out while yelling and trying to reprimand her son about running in and out the house. She then goes on complaining about how day care is so expensive, and she doesnt know how much longer she will be able to afford to keep her son in there. I became nauseous just hearing her rant on about the difficulities of being a mother/having a child. I turned to her and said....."And you think I'm crazy for not wanting any???" LOL. I never understood people (mainly women) who are desperate to have children, then all they do is complain once they have them. They complain about lack of sleep, finances, missing work due to Dr appointments, lack of free time and freedom, cant find a baby sitter, etc... Then when the become teenagers and start college, I hear them talk about how they cant wait for them to graduate and move out so that they can have the house back to themselves. In my head I'm like.....If this is the case, why have any kids at all if all you're going to do is complain???
That's your take on it. Just because people complain about the daily struggles, that doesn't mean they aren't fulfilled. Children come with 24 hour ups and downs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
OP - I really think you need to examine your reasons for wanting to have a child. Is it to fill a void in your life? Is it to feel more useful or make a difference? Is it because you think you are less of a woman if you don't have biological children of your own?

I just think you may be making a huge mistake by kicking a good man to the curb because of a void you have in your soul. There is many ways to feed it that doesn't include having children, from having pets (if you feel you need to nuture), volunteering as a big brother/big sister, getting closer to nephews/nieces, maybe developing a better relationship with your step-son, volunteer at a local center for pregnant teens, or even participating in a 5K for kids with cancer. You don't have to have your own kids to make an impact, you just have to make a difference in one child or person's life.
She does not need to "examine her reasons". Do you ask all people that want a baby to examine their reasons? She's already given birth, she knows what that's like, and she wants another child that she doesn't have to give up this time. That's as good a reason as 99% of whatever reason you or I or anybody chooses to have a child.

I'm sorry, but I don't think any amount of volunteering or otherwise is going to fill the void in this case.

If the OP does not do what she really wants to do, she's not going to have much of a relationship with this guy down the road. She may try really hard not to, but I think she'll just end up resentful of him. And there are no guarantees whatsoever that this relationship won't break up at some point. Then she'll have neither. I think she needs to go with whatever direction is pulling her the strongest, and not give it another thought. To do otherwise would not be fair to either of them.
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Old 07-05-2012, 12:49 PM
 
14,780 posts, read 43,582,793 times
Reputation: 14621
The only advice I can offer you is that you guys should go to relationship counseling to discuss the situation. You need to determine whether or not your lives are going to take a divergent path and what each of you really wants out of life. No one is right or wrong, it just comes down to whether or not your personal self-interests are aligned enough to continue the relationship. Right now you have two major obstacles:

1. You want a child and he doesn't.
2. You have not moved to the point of agreeing to a greater commitment with each other.

Right now you have the opportunity to change your path. Counseling will either lead you both to the conclusion that your personal wants aren't compatible and the best choice is to move on amicably; or, it will help you to realize how deep your bonds are and resolve the current issues and move beyond them.

If either one of you relents on their feelings without actually taking the time to examine and resolve them, the one who relents will most likely end up living with deep regrets. In that case, the worse situation is the father who relented and now regrets the child. So, I think if you are not willing to try counseling and you want to stay with him, your only choice is to give up on having a child. Better for you to live with regret that submit a child to being regeretted by their own parent.
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:45 PM
 
13,250 posts, read 9,872,112 times
Reputation: 14296
Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
The only advice I can offer you is that you guys should go to relationship counseling to discuss the situation. You need to determine whether or not your lives are going to take a divergent path and what each of you really wants out of life. No one is right or wrong, it just comes down to whether or not your personal self-interests are aligned enough to continue the relationship. Right now you have two major obstacles:

1. You want a child and he doesn't.
2. You have not moved to the point of agreeing to a greater commitment with each other.

Right now you have the opportunity to change your path. Counseling will either lead you both to the conclusion that your personal wants aren't compatible and the best choice is to move on amicably; or, it will help you to realize how deep your bonds are and resolve the current issues and move beyond them.

If either one of you relents on their feelings without actually taking the time to examine and resolve them, the one who relents will most likely end up living with deep regrets. In that case, the worse situation is the father who relented and now regrets the child. So, I think if you are not willing to try counseling and you want to stay with him, your only choice is to give up on having a child. Better for you to live with regret that submit a child to being regeretted by their own parent.
This is very true and sound advice. I think the OP's already conceded that he doesn't want a child and that her only choice is to remain childless or leave him.

But very well said and I think a lot of people need to heed this advice before they push someone into something they don't want.
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Old 07-07-2012, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,122 posts, read 3,498,555 times
Reputation: 2200
Unfortunately I don't think you have much of a choice. If you stay and never have a baby you will regret it forever.
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Old 07-09-2012, 11:58 AM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,692,634 times
Reputation: 24848
It is a tough situation, which do you want more? A child or your man? If you truly want a child you will resent your man later on. You'll have to dig deep and figure out what YOU really want.
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Old 07-09-2012, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be.
1,189 posts, read 1,754,807 times
Reputation: 2034
Well....Accidents happen .

Sneaky yes, but worse things have been done.
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Old 07-09-2012, 02:37 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,792,699 times
Reputation: 11124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingomo View Post
Well....Accidents happen .

Sneaky yes, but worse things have been done.
Well that's one good way to become a single parent.
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Old 07-09-2012, 03:21 PM
 
7,099 posts, read 27,141,808 times
Reputation: 7452
let me advise you to look at one thing. ONLY ONE thing. Do you really expect that child to remain close to you throughout his/her life time. It might happen, but I suggest that you prepare yourself that it won't. Babies grow up. Get married. Have careers, Lives, etc. and they seldom include Mommie. Mommie is left alone with only her husband to talk to.

Be sure you understand that having a baby that your husband may not want is a decision that will affect you the rest of your life.
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Old 07-09-2012, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Well that's one good way to become a single parent.
At least she'd be a parent but I wouldn't recommend an oops. Personally, I'd sign up for invitro and let him know it's been done and that I'm leaving him if I get pregnant. He's made it clear that if she wants kids she has to leave. IMO, tricking him into becomming a father would just be sour grapes.
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Old 07-09-2012, 03:51 PM
 
4,253 posts, read 9,436,305 times
Reputation: 5140
I wonder how the guy would react when she is leaving him.

Can't imagine a devoted, loving guy letting the love of his life walk away.

If he does, he's not "all that", really.
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