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At least she'd be a parent but I wouldn't recommend an oops. Personally, I'd sign up for invitro and let him know it's been done and that I'm leaving him if I get pregnant. He's made it clear that if she wants kids she has to leave. IMO, tricking him into becomming a father would just be sour grapes.
I don't recall the OP saying she'd have to leave. Doesn't matter.
By the way, why not leave and divorce BEFORE the in-vitro? Gotta take his wallet with you?
Worse things? Sure, outright murder perhaps. But I can think of few worse things one 'lover' can do to another than force a child upon them. The responsibility of a child and all that it entails should only be entered into freely and with joy.
Anyone, male or female, who has a little purposeful 'accident' deserves to lose their spouse. And being that they are selfish enough to manipulate someone they claim to love, I mourn for their children as well.
Ok, so this requires a little back peddling so that all the info is out there. I am 34 years old and at the age of 18 I became pregnant. At that point in my life I knew that what was best for the child and for myself was to place him for adoption. Fast forward to present day; I am with the best man ever. He loves me unconditionally, is patient, kind, and just a perfect fit. About six months ago I broached the subject of having a baby. At first he stated he wasn't sure he wanted another (he is the single father to a wonderful 15 year boy) one. We agreed to revisit the subject at a later time. Recently the topic came up again and he has told me he doesn't want another child. He's 39 years old and doesn't want to be 50 with a 10 year old. He wants to enjoy what he has worked so hard for all these years. Needless to say I am devastated. I don't want to force him to have a child and I don't want to leave him. How do I cope with this information when what I want most is to be a mother. To pour more salt onto the wounds when I was 18 and leaving the hospital without my newborn son I made a very bad joke (my emotional go to is joking when I'm hurt) that I just gave up the one and only child I would ever be able to have. Any guidance in how to cope in this situation would be helpful.
Without reading the other replies, my advice to you is to break it off with this man. He does not share the same goals as you do, he does not want to be a parent - regardless of how good a person he is; he is not the right man for you.
Find a man who shares your desire. If I wanted a child, I would not give it up for anyone or anything. JMO
I'm 28 and I don't have any kids, but I've known since I myself was a kid that one day I wanted to have kids. I'm not a crazy for kids person, but having at least one child is one of my top 3 goals in life. I don't think I could give that up for anyone no matter how wonderful they may be. This is why I want to know very early on in a relationship if the other person wants to have kids. There's no point getting attached and having a relationship with someone that doesn't want kids. It's one of the few issues that there's absolutely no room for compromise on. Can you really imagine your life without children? If you choose to stay with this man can you be 100% happy and never resent him for denying you your chance to have children? What if in 10 years and at 44 this relationship falls apart? You'll have no guy and no kids.
At 34 you still have time. I would move on and find someone else who wants a family. And learn your lesson, find out early if he wants the same things you do.
My saying accidents happen was from a friend's experience...I know someone who did this and that baby was loved by both parents and they went on to have three more that were planned. So sometimes it works out, not saying all the time, but it does. If he truly loves his wife he would have at least one baby with her since he knows she desires one so badly. He already has a child and I feel he is being a little unfair to her.
That being said, this also should have been discussed between you prior to getting married. If you were aware of his feelings and still married him, then you cannot blame him for not wanting anymore since you were aware of how he felt. And yes, if you feel so strongly about having a child, let him know that you are willing to do it alone and that having a baby means more to you than he does . That should go over well.
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling about giving your child up. I cannot imagine. I hope one day you get to have another baby and raise him/her. Good luck to you.
Of course there are no guarantees -- but when the OP wrote "what I want most is to be a mother", there's nothing much more to be said. This man is all wrong for her. Unless this was a momentary whim when she wants most to be a mother, she will never really be happy if she stays with him.
As far as the terrible two year old -- who can think a two year old is terrible? Some two years don't scream or cry at all and if you've ever picked a two year old a dandelion flower and gone through the entire day - taking walks, having lunch, reading books, playing, and then dinner and as you get that two year old ready for bed, you find that same dandelion flower still clenched in the little hands, you cannot find them terrible in spite of temper tantrums.
And the school age kid who carefully made a Mother's Day card or drew a picture of his Dad and tried to draw big muscles on him, and who loves nothing more than going camping and hiking can make parenting very special. If someone enjoys family times, there can be nothing better than a school age kid.
What's funner than having a teenager? Now they want to argue but you get the joy in watching them with their first car, come home weary from their first job and then one day they offer to go get pizza for everyone out of their own money. A teenager helps you relive your own teenage years -- the highs and the lows, the first infatution, the first break up, and your time with them is quickly coming to an end.
Only the OP can decide, she must look into herself, decides if she means it when she says that what she wants most is to be a mother. Does she really want to give up what she most wants just to hang onto some guy that really doesn't care what she wants most, he cares what he wants most.
And that's fine too for him to care about what he wants most, but each needs to find their true partner in life.
If he truly loves his wife he would have at least one baby with her since he knows she desires one so badly. He already has a child and I feel he is being a little unfair to her.
That being said, this also should have been discussed between you prior to getting married. If you were aware of his feelings and still married him, then you cannot blame him for not wanting anymore since you were aware of how he felt.
Are they married? I think in the op she states she's "with" this guy. With means nothing. But if they're married, then what you say above is valid.
My saying accidents happen was from a friend's experience...I know someone who did this and that baby was loved by both parents and they went on to have three more that were planned. So sometimes it works out, not saying all the time, but it does. If he truly loves his wife he would have at least one baby with her since he knows she desires one so badly. He already has a child and I feel he is being a little unfair to her.
That being said, this also should have been discussed between you prior to getting married. If you were aware of his feelings and still married him, then you cannot blame him for not wanting anymore since you were aware of how he felt. And yes, if you feel so strongly about having a child, let him know that you are willing to do it alone and that having a baby means more to you than he does . That should go over well.
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling about giving your child up. I cannot imagine. I hope one day you get to have another baby and raise him/her. Good luck to you.
It doesn't matter if the spouse loves the child or not. Most people will come to love a child that is forced upon them. A woman can love a child that was created through rape...that does not make the rape itself any less terrible. "An accident" is still a betrayal of the deepest kind and anyone who carries it through is selfish to the very core.
Having a child is huge. Your entire life changes. No one should be forced into that. How can a spouse claim to love their partner if they are willing to breach their trust in such a manner? What happens if the man does discover this and quite rightly feels he can no longer stay with a partner who disrespects him so utterly? He would STILL be responsible for the child he never intended to create.
I can support this woman leaving because their life goals are so radically different. There's nothing wrong in itself with wanting a baby. But forcing a man into creating a life is a violation and simply wrong on every moral level. Her desires are NOT more important than his. Forcing a child on anyone, man or woman, is a form of a rape.
This kind of thing is one of the reasons why I have no desire to have a relationship. It's proof that you really can't trust other people.
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. That should go over well.
