Would you help this kid or not? (child support, legal, weight)

[believe007]

So here's the question: would you take a kid in that has been abandoned by his own mother?

Quick summary....he is 18, works at a fast food place, & has no home. His mother ran off to another state with some guy she just met & is not coming back. He has no one & nowhere to go; yet I'm hesitant. I've seen these kinds of situations go bad, even with the best of intentions. Btw he says he would pay his share of rent & buy his own food....but still I have some serious qualms about it. I do want to help, though and it really ticks me off that a mother would just run off & leave her kids, without even caring if they have basic essentials.
(She took off when he was 16, & took every penny of the child support that was supposed to be applied to him.)
So, what would ya'll do?

[Mattie]

I'd need more info to decide. Is he finished with high school( in many states parents are obligated to provide support until graduation)?

How well do you know him? A friend of yours, of one of your kids, or just a casual acquaintance?

Any legal issues? Drugs, etc.

If you have qualms about doing it, it may be best to follow your gut instincts. Can you help him find a room he can afford if he's done with school? Sooner or later he needs to realize he won't be able to support himself on a fast food wage. On the other hand, if I knew the boy well enough, and he had plans for his future but needed a break for a couple of months, then yes, I probably would offer a room.

[jasper12]

Nthe o. Mentor him, help him find some roommates, have him over for dinner, I would not have him move in. He is an adult. Sure...help him find his way..and stay his friend. He needs that.

I have seen too many of these situations go bad. The only time it does work is when it is time limited. For example, my daughter's friend was an exchange student...her "host family" was awful. I won't go into it...but it was bad. I took her in for the rest of the school year. And then, she went back to China.

An open ended situation is just not good INMO.

[wawa1992]

Well I'm 19 now so obviously I couldn't, but if I had the financial resources to, I would.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by believe007

So here's the question: would you take a kid in that has been abandoned by his own mother?

Quick summary....he is 18, works at a fast food place, & has no home. His mother ran off to another state with some guy she just met & is not coming back. He has no one & nowhere to go; yet I'm hesitant. I've seen these kinds of situations go bad, even with the best of intentions. Btw he says he would pay his share of rent & buy his own food....but still I have some serious qualms about it. I do want to help, though and it really ticks me off that a mother would just run off & leave her kids, without even caring if they have basic essentials.
(She took off when he was 16, & took every penny of the child support that was supposed to be applied to him.)
So, what would ya'll do?

First of all, I really think you are well intentioned and I admire your courage and desire to help. I really do.

I also do not think that you are being impulsive or naive - the fact that you have posted here and asked the advice of your CD peers is a good sign.

I am tempted to repeat something that I heard while growing up "the apple does not fall far from the tree" but as an adoptive mom I can't believe that completely.

Here is what we know -

He needs you and on some level, you have a desire or need to help this young man

He comes from a bad family

You are a generous person

You are also not impulsive

He could use help

You may be able to help him

If you can you will feel good and he will be helped.

There is also this possibility - he wants to use you and he is just like his parents.
He might even think he wants a normal life and wants to improve himself. He REALLY might believe it.

BUT - it could be too late.

Here is how I know.

Before our first child was born a neighborhood teen began hanging around our house. He was so sweet and sympathetic - his father was and is an abusive bully.

He lived with us for ten years and suddenly left with girl from a similar background. We paid for two semesters of a community college - but he dropped out.

He moved to another state with this horrible girl. He is in and out of our lives and we suspect, that while we love him, he's a sociopath.

This was our experience. I fear that he will die an early death. He could live with us, if he wanted but he does not. He visited in the spring with another horrible woman.

When things were about to take off for him here, he left.

I tell you this because my heart aches for this smart young man who is funny, well read but seems to want to exist on the margins of society.

We really tried.

[Magritte25]

If I were you, I would help him look for an affordable apartment. You don't have to invite someone to live in your home to help.

[JustJulia]

Believe007, I might. It really does depend on the situation, but we've given our couch to some people over the years. Sometimes it's the right thing to do. But you do have to have your eyes open.

Originally Posted by sheena12

First of all, I really think you are well intentioned and I admire your courage and desire to help. I really do.

I also do not think that you are being impulsive or naive - the fact that you have posted here and asked the advice of your CD peers is a good sign.

I am tempted to repeat something that I heard while growing up "the apple does not fall far from the tree" but as an adoptive mom I can't believe that completely.

Here is what we know -

He needs you and on some level, you have a desire or need to help this young man

He comes from a bad family

You are a generous person

You are also not impulsive

He could use help

You may be able to help him

If you can you will feel good and he will be helped.

There is also this possibility - he wants to use you and he is just like his parents.
He might even think he wants a normal life and wants to improve himself. He REALLY might believe it.

BUT - it could be too late.

Here is how I know.

Before our first child was born a neighborhood teen began hanging around our house. He was so sweet and sympathetic - his father was and is an abusive bully.

He lived with us for ten years and suddenly left with girl from a similar background. We paid for two semesters of a community college - but he dropped out.

He moved to another state with this horrible girl. He is in and out of our lives and we suspect, that while we love him, he's a sociopath.

This was our experience. I fear that he will die an early death. He could live with us, if he wanted but he does not. He visited in the spring with another horrible woman.

When things were about to take off for him here, he left.

I tell you this because my heart aches for this smart young man who is funny, well read but seems to want to exist on the margins of society.

We really tried.

Sheena, I know a young man who kept making bad choices too. He was a friend of my husband's sister in Colorado, a very handsome and funny guy a few years younger than us who was hanging out with druggies and losers. He told us he wanted to get away from that life, so we took him and he ended up staying for several months. He wanted to get a job so we bought him some nicer clothes for interviews, and for a while things were looking up. But he always had excuses why various jobs weren't for him (this was before the economy tanked), and he started seeing some of his old friends again. I told him from Day 1 that if he brought drugs into the house he was done, and one day I found one of those needle kits. It belonged to one of his friends, but I hit the roof. He hadn't been pulling his weight for a while, but we felt so trapped and guilty, believing he had nowhere to go ... but my husband's mother, who had dealt with situations like this before, said that guys like him always land on their feet and to kick him out. So we did, and sure enough, that night one of his friends had a couch for him.

We kept trying to help him get a job. A friend of a friend ran a little ski place up in Breckenridge and needed a handyman, and our friend was really good at building and fixing things. He sounded excited to move up there, have a full-time job, and be around plenty of ski and summer bunnies. We bought him a bus ticket ... and he never showed up. He literally disappeared after that, and we didn't hear from him for several years. I figured he probably ended up in jail, maybe dead. He was part of a group of bikers who were pretty bad news, although they were always very nice to us because he was our friend.

A couple years ago, I got a friend request on Facebook from him. He moved to Texas, got married, has a couple of kids, and is a pastor for a progressive church where he talks about drug use and living a clean life. He tells my husband and me that we saved his life. I am telling you this in case it gives you hope. We thought our friend was lost too, but he made it through. Your friend still might make it. I hope so.

[sskkc]

We have taken in 3 young men over the past 15-18 years in similar situations.

None of them turned out well, all of them ended up burning their bridges as they left.

That said, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't at least TRIED to help them out. I was in a similar situation as a young woman, and so like to hope that one of these young folks are like I was - honest and looking for a genuine hand UP, rather than to be used and abused by one more person.

[somebodynew]

I would sit down and have a talk with him. Together we would discuss the best way to help him with the end goal of his comfortable independance. I am making an assumption that he is trying. He has a job. So I would share my feelings that I am hopeful that with a leg up he can make a nice situation for himself. But I would share my concern about being taken advantage of. We would formulate a plan for how he could achieve a better job with the help I am offering. School and job? Apprenticeship? Discuss and examine these choices. I would strike a bargain with him that he is welcome in my house for x period of time so long as he follows the plan that we established together. I would make it 200% clear that if he chooses to take advantage that I would not hesitate to boot him.

[faabala]

I'd give him a free ride to the recruiter's office. Uncle Sam will take care of him.