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I think it would have been a damned site less painful if I had the prescience to see a good therapist. I was riding solo, and it sucked.
Possibly, possibly. Even more impressive to me that you managed to make such significant changes going it alone. It is tough stuff. I am sorry you were in a position where you had to go through it. IMO, it is worth it in the end, though. I can be hugely cynical and jaded, but it never ceases to amaze me how resilient human beings can be.
Only to a certain extent. I know this first hand. I use positive thinking to avoid the pitfalls but it has not changed the base feelings. Over time, what has happened, is it's easier not to act on them. They're there, I dismiss them and get on with my life. However, I never feel good about myself. Just less bad.
It is part of who I am that I jump to the negative. It used to weigh me down for days or weeks after a confirming event (an event that confirms in my mind that I don't fit in, that I don't belong and I don't deserve good things). Now I'm down to minutes, sometimes hours but I recover and get on with my life. That's what 30 years of positive thinking accomplished. It did not change who I am or how I feel about myself only how I respond to those feelings when they crop up.
You can disagree all you want but I have lived this for 40+ years. Positive thinking works in the sense that I can manage not to respond to the negative feelings . However, this thred isn't about how YOU over every therapist I've ever seen and myself who has lived with this for over 4 decades think I've failed to "cure" myself (there is no cure. Of that I am certain.). You've never psychoanalyzed me. To my knowledge, you don't posess the license to make that legal. I suggest you defer to those who have and do.
Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it is impossible!
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, associated with Albert Ellis.
Not directed at any one poster's personal experiences, but as a general statement the idea that people cannot change how they emotionally, cognitively and behaviorally respond to things, their outlook, the frequency with which difficult thoughts or emotions crop up, or even aspects of personality traits/expression is not supported by research. Change is hard, some parts of our personality are more stable than others across the lifespan, but a blanket "if it isn't caught during the formative years of development, it cannot be changed" is not accurate. YMMV.
I know you can change how you respond. What I've found that can't be changed is the base feelings. How you act on them is what you have control over. They've lost their power over time but they're still there for me. That will never change. It's taken 40 years but I'm about as good as I'm gonna get.
The frequency with which negative feelings crop up has diminished but only because I can dismiss them in an instant, most of the time. They don't fester like they used to. They're still there. They always will be but most days I can stuff them back down.
Not a life I'd knowingly condemn a child to that's for sure.
Things that become part of our personality have to be caught during the formative years to, truely, correct them. If caught later, the best you can do is damage control. I can control the damage from the feelings but I can't stop that they crop up. That every mistake is proof of my worthlessness. Most days I can stuff them back down but sometimes I make too many mistakes in one day and I can't. Fortunately, those days do not happen as often as they used to.
i have a stepdaughter<no kids of my own> i was around her since she was 8.i couldnt stand her. She was a brat, use to throw in my face she was daddys little girl etc.Now shes turning 17 and we text each other, go out to lunch and i actually let other people know shes my stepdaughter<when before i never did> so my advice to u is to let her dad handle her stay out of it and hopefully when she gets a lil more mature she will accept you as well as u accept her
Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it is impossible!
LOL...gotta love arm chair psychiatrists....
So, what is is you know that those who actually have PhD's in psychology who have actually worked with me don't know???
I've gone my whole life with people like you spouting off about how my issues are fixable. Not because they are but because parents who want to move on to family number two don't want to admit it could cause permanent harm to their kids. So they tell me the problem is me.... Ah yes...I just didn't do it right....
Please proceed with publising your paper on how it's done.
So, what is is you know that those who actually have PhD's in psychology who have actually worked with me don't know???
I've gone my whole life with people like you spouting off about how my issues are fixable. Not because they are but because parents who want to move on to family number two don't want to admit it could cause permanent harm to their kids. So they tell me the problem is me.... Ah yes...I just didn't do it right....
Please proceed with publising your paper on how it's done.
Wow. I didn't spout anything. It is the way you always write your posts - This is how it happened for me, so this is how it is. Not so. There are all kinds of people out there with experiences that differ from yours. Plus, we do have a psychologist among us. I tend to believe what she spouts. She knows her ****.
I know you can change how you respond. What I've found that can't be changed is the base feelings. How you act on them is what you have control over. They've lost their power over time but they're still there for me. That will never change. It's taken 40 years but I'm about as good as I'm gonna get.
The frequency with which negative feelings crop up has diminished but only because I can dismiss them in an instant, most of the time. They don't fester like they used to. They're still there. They always will be but most days I can stuff them back down.
Not a life I'd knowingly condemn a child to that's for sure.
Things that become part of our personality have to be caught during the formative years to, truely, correct them. If caught later, the best you can do is damage control. I can control the damage from the feelings but I can't stop that they crop up. That every mistake is proof of my worthlessness. Most days I can stuff them back down but sometimes I make too many mistakes in one day and I can't. Fortunately, those days do not happen as often as they used to.
I get what you are saying. I wasn't speaking about your situation specifically, as that is none of my business. I vehemently disagree about the role of formative years in correcting problematic emotions, thoughts, and behaviors (though it is easier to change things that have yet to become habitual or have a long learning history), but that is just a philosophical difference between different therapeutic orientations. If you have found what resonates for you, I defer to that, as the match between orientation and client is one of the strongest predictors of good outcomes.
There is actually evidence that we can change our emotional responding through our behavior, to the point of discernible neurochemical changes, and that we can notice when a thought or emotion occurs without it being something that gets to the intensity that it needs to be "stuffed" or damage controlled. I watched my clients learn to do it with some pretty serious stuff. It's not a one-size-fits-all, though. I feel for what you are saying, though, and am glad those days are fewer than they had been.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 10-19-2012 at 08:27 PM..
Haha, well, here on C-D, I'm just another poster who happens to have a lot of esoteric knowledge about psych.
BS you are making it all up. I know it.
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