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I think she still needs him in her life, but the whole family together should not be necessary for this to happen. Evidently she wants no part of his other family. Let that go. Maybe he could start taking her out for dinner--just father and daughter. It will be difficult, but this poor child needs help. She also needs to know he loves her and will be there because some day she is going to need his help. I am sure of that. A daughter date night could ease his guilt too.
Yes I agree. Which is why I posted...thanks for responding.
They've always had every Saturday as "daddy/daughter day" and I suggested recently (about 6 mos ago) that since her mother works late on Tuesdays, they have a "dinner date night". I am not included in these two days - they are specifically for the two of them to talk, bond, spend time together alone.
The reason for my post was back in March, we discovered she'd been having phone sex and sexting her 13 yr old boyfriend. We brought this to her mother's attention. Mother did nothing about it. A few weeks later during spring break, daughter got upset with dad because he wouldn't allow her to spend her week with us there with her mom during the break, so she had sex with her bf! That's what she blames it on - her father not allowing her to spend spring break with mom...
Since then, she's made excuse after excuse to not come over to our place for regular visits. We cut the schedule back at her request to just their tuesday night dinners alone and every other weekend, where Saturday would still be their day. She's either not home when he goes to pick her up, feigns illness, has made other plans with either family or friends, or simply refuses to go. When he's forced her to go, she'll make a big scene (forcing herself to throw up at the dinner table in a restaurant) or ignore him the entire time.
Therein lies the issue. After 2 months of her basically dissing him, he threw up his hands and said look, I love you, you're my daughter and I'll always be there for you, but I need a little effort on your part. If you can't pick up the phone once in a while and don't want to see me, fine. And now it's been 3 weeks since they've talked.
I don't think it's healthy that they just don't speak, so I've been looking for suggestions for him to get the ball rolling again between them. She was in individual counseling for a year, then he and she went exclusively and we've also done a few family sessions. Tried 2 separate therapists. Nothing is helping her, so she stopped going and now hubby's going alone to try and work things through.
Yes I agree. Which is why I posted...thanks for responding.
They've always had every Saturday as "daddy/daughter day" and I suggested recently (about 6 mos ago) that since her mother works late on Tuesdays, they have a "dinner date night". I am not included in these two days - they are specifically for the two of them to talk, bond, spend time together alone.
The reason for my post was back in March, we discovered she'd been having phone sex and sexting her 13 yr old boyfriend. We brought this to her mother's attention. Mother did nothing about it. A few weeks later during spring break, daughter got upset with dad because he wouldn't allow her to spend her week with us there with her mom during the break, so she had sex with her bf! That's what she blames it on - her father not allowing her to spend spring break with mom...
Since then, she's made excuse after excuse to not come over to our place for regular visits. We cut the schedule back at her request to just their tuesday night dinners alone and every other weekend, where Saturday would still be their day. She's either not home when he goes to pick her up, feigns illness, has made other plans with either family or friends, or simply refuses to go. When he's forced her to go, she'll make a big scene (forcing herself to throw up at the dinner table in a restaurant) or ignore him the entire time.
Therein lies the issue. After 2 months of her basically dissing him, he threw up his hands and said look, I love you, you're my daughter and I'll always be there for you, but I need a little effort on your part. If you can't pick up the phone once in a while and don't want to see me, fine. And now it's been 3 weeks since they've talked.
I don't think it's healthy that they just don't speak, so I've been looking for suggestions for him to get the ball rolling again between them. She was in individual counseling for a year, then he and she went exclusively and we've also done a few family sessions. Tried 2 separate therapists. Nothing is helping her, so she stopped going and now hubby's going alone to try and work things through.
Thanks again for your response. I appreciate it.
Okay, if one of the major issues is that she misses her friends when she spends time at your home, perhaps a way to combat that excuse would be to move into her neighborhood, close enough to her school that her life is not disrupted, and have her stick to the custody arrangement.
Then get your husband and her mother need to get on the same page, and start laying down the law regarding her schoolwork, boyfriends, and general crappy attitude. But your husband needs to make it clear, that while brokering no disrespect in your (including her) home, that there is nothing he won't do to ensure that she makes it, including reversing all of his lax past parenting and putting his foot down for the first time in her life.
She's probably dying for someone to inject some stability and boundaries into her life, although she's not going to admit that in a million years.
Whatever you do, throwing your hands up is not an option for a thirteen year old.
Okay, if one of the major issues is that she misses her friends when she spends time at your home, perhaps a way to combat that excuse would be to move into her neighborhood, close enough to her school that her life is not disrupted, and have her stick to the custody arrangement.
Then get your husband and her mother need to get on the same page, and start laying down the law regarding her schoolwork, boyfriends, and general crappy attitude. But your husband needs to make it clear, that while brokering no disrespect in your (including her) home, that there is nothing he won't do to ensure that she makes it, including reversing all of his lax past parenting and putting his foot down for the first time in her life.
She's probably dying for someone to inject some stability and boundaries into her life, although she's not going to admit that in a million years.
Whatever you do, throwing your hands up is not an option for a thirteen year old.
While it makes sense to be closer to her neighborhood, we just signed a new year lease, so moving at this time is not an option for us. Hubby wanted out of that area to begin with, so when we decided to move in together, he chose the apartment and the area.
Husband and ex will never be on the same page, unfortunately. She caused the divorce and always wants to be daughter's friend, not the parent. Even when they were married, hubby was the only disciplinarian and that was rare. Again, they both just basically let this girl have whatever she wanted and rule the roost. She still believes to this day that she can boss her parents around and they'll just roll over (cuz mom still does!). Mom is just a selfish, spoiled and self-centered woman herself. Z is learning from her.
Yes, I agree Z would do better with structure, rules and stability. We provided that to her every other week. It all was undone the minute dad dropped her back off at mom's for her week. And again, we'd start at square one the following week. When Z decided during the school year, she'd rather just come to our place every other weekend, and tuesday dinner date nights, we allowed that, so as not to disturb her school schedule. Then when summer vacation rolled around, she said it didn't make sense to come spend the entire week at our place since both of us work all day and she'd be there with my daughter alone (she and my daughter have zero in common, maturity levels are just not equal and they frankly don't enjoy being around each other at all). So again, we decided fine, every other weekend and Tuesday nights they'd have their dinner date.
After several months of her making every excuse known to man to not have their Tuesday dinner date or our weekends (of which Saturday was their day exclusively and entirely without me or my daughter), he finally said he'd had enough and until she showed some sort of effort on her part, he wouldn't force her to come over anymore.
The therapist told him yesterday to keep communication open, but right now, let her move at her pace and quit forcing things. That's what he plans to do for now and see how things develop.
As far as if Z gets pregnant (mom put her on Birth control), she said she'd put the baby up for adoption. I'm staying out of that entirely!
What Rufus said. Kids that age need to be parented even if they don't make an effort, and whether they appear to like it or not. If your husband doesn't force things, she will feel that he didn't care enough to fight for her, and she may think he chose you over her. That is simply how kids think. The current approach would be fine if she were about 10 years older - but not for now.
What Rufus said. Kids that age need to be parented even if they don't make an effort, and whether they appear to like it or not. If your husband doesn't force things, she will feel that he didn't care enough to fight for her, and she may think he chose you over her. That is simply how kids think. The current approach would be fine if she were about 10 years older - but not for now.
When things are forced on her, she either creates huge scenes or simply shuts down. We've tried that. Consistently. She's only gotten worse. He's explained to her (in the presence of the therapist during one of their joint sessions) that he will ALWAYS be there for her, no one has replaced her and that if she isolates herself from him and his family, it will only cause further pain between everyone.
I agree that she need structure and discipline. We gave that to her every other week, but the minute she returns to her mother's, it's all undone. We start over at square one. This has been going on for 2 yrs. She's just recently over the past few months decided she doesn't want to spend time with him or us. She wants to be with her friends at all times and they are in her neighborhood.
So his therapist advised him to take things slow, quit forcing her and allow her to go at her pace while still keeping lines of communication open. He'll try that approach since obviously the forcefulness didn't have favorable results either.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel&Steven6712
So his therapist advised him to take things slow, quit forcing her and allow her to go at her pace while still keeping lines of communication open. He'll try that approach since obviously the forcefulness didn't have favorable results either.
that's good advise in my opinion...
her friends mean more than to her than anything else right now, that's just the way some teenagers are, keep the communication open, just have her Dad give her a call every week, he will probably get her voice mail.
That's ok, leave a message " hi honey, it's Dad, just wanted to see how you are doing, give me a call when you get a chance and we can go out and get a pizza or a burger or something, Love ya Dad"
From the sound of things, you and your husband have tried a number of different options and nothing seems to be working. I think maybe stepping back may be the next logical step after all. The trick would be not to have the "Have it your way, I give up!" exasperated kind of stepping back, but to let her know that he loves her, will always love her, and will always be there for her, and still make the effort...but leave it up to her to take him up on it. If she doesn't, keep trying. As fed up as he may be with her, and for good reason, I'm sure he doesn't want to see her end up pregnant or on drugs or any other unfortunate road that she seems to be heading down, and at 13, now is the time to step up and do what he can. Good luck.
From the sound of things, you and your husband have tried a number of different options and nothing seems to be working. I think maybe stepping back may be the next logical step after all. The trick would be not to have the "Have it your way, I give up!" exasperated kind of stepping back, but to let her know that he loves her, will always love her, and will always be there for her, and still make the effort...but leave it up to her to take him up on it. If she doesn't, keep trying. As fed up as he may be with her, and for good reason, I'm sure he doesn't want to see her end up pregnant or on drugs or any other unfortunate road that she seems to be heading down, and at 13, now is the time to step up and do what he can. Good luck.
Exactly what the therapist, his family, our friends, etc have all said. And yeah, he's told her that he's done all he can and at this point, it's really up to her to choose to see him. He's always going to be there for her, and has called her (last night) just to say hello. Of course, she didn't answer. His father tried calling her a couple weeks ago, no response. His brother, the same. So he left her a voice mail just saying "Hi, I miss you and love you and hope to hear back from you".
Now the ball is back in her court. He said if he doesn't hear from her in another 7 days, he'll try again. He'll send her a birthday card next month with a few bucks in it and continue trying to communicate but isn't forcing anything on her anymore.
that's good advise in my opinion...
her friends mean more than to her than anything else right now, that's just the way some teenagers are, keep the communication open, just have her Dad give her a call every week, he will probably get her voice mail.
That's ok, leave a message " hi honey, it's Dad, just wanted to see how you are doing, give me a call when you get a chance and we can go out and get a pizza or a burger or something, Love ya Dad"
Exactly what he did last night. He said that your response to my original post really meant something to him and that he will call her again in a week if she doesn't respond. He'll also send her a birthday card with a few bucks in it next month and try and keep the communication ball rolling...So again, thanks for your POSITIVE response to my post and your continued support.
Exactly what he did last night. He said that your response to my original post really meant something to him and that he will call her again in a week if she doesn't respond. He'll also send her a birthday card with a few bucks in it next month and try and keep the communication ball rolling...So again, thanks for your POSITIVE response to my post and your continued support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel&Steven6712
As far as if Z gets pregnant (mom put her on Birth control), she said she'd put the baby up for adoption.
Are you kidding here??? Your husband's daughter is failing school, having sex at 13, running around with friends instead of doing what she needs to do, and you guys are looking for positive responses as to how to proceed? You're looking for support in keeping this approach going? You're letting her do it. She wouldn't be able to do it if your husband grew a pair and stopped it.
I don't care what her therapist says, is this the same therapist that she lies to and manipulates? The one that seems to be doing a great job of telling you all what you want to hear? She needs to live with her father. Every other weekend and Tues nights is not going to do it. Her father is the only one, because her mother is incapable, of having any hope of turning this whole thing around. This waiting until she responds to him business is thoroughly ridiculous. Who's the adult??? Who has the power, the 13 year old or the 38 year old grown man?
He needs to find his balls and step up and rescue his daughter from herself. And if you need to step aside completely for a while to allow this to happen then you need to grow a pair too and do it.
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