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I think you're missing an opportunity to 'kill em with kindness' by not allowing the offending boys in your home. Don't invite them over to play, ask them in for lemonade brownies or Popsicles etc. And be very nice to them. Ask the older boy what his electives will be when school starts, is he playing any sports- take an interest in them and show them hospitality and kindness.
I've seen this work on some pretty tough cases. Rejecting a person can increase the bad behavior. Showing kindness and acceptance- to a certain extent- could improve the situation. Or not.
Teach your son a couple of standard replies when he's teased or put down like this. Practice at home until he feels confident.
Neighbor- You stink at baseball.
Son- You think?
Neighbor- Yeah
Son- hmmm, whatever.
Neighbor- Those shorts aren't for skateboarding.
Son- Really?
Neighbor- yeah
Son- hmmm, ok
With a 'whatever' attitude.
Agree. My oldest is 11 and has dealt with some minor issues with some kids at school. Fortunately, I feel like I've been able to foster a very open relationship with him, and he has informed me of the problems. My question to him has been, "With all that you have going for you, why in the world would you care what that kid thinks?". My opinion is that a sense of pride and independant self worth is the best defense against ignorance. I'll let you know in 10 years how that works out.
To the poster above, my advice to my boy is nearly word for word what you say. When another kid attempts to pick out something about him to make fun of, "Whatever" is the perfect response. It let's the bully know that he isn't a fun target, and won't play that game. For me, (some small bragging rights to which I believe all parents are entitled to), I also tell my kid that if he keeps testing in the 99th percentile across the board, those other kids won't be qualified to work for him in 10 years.
Unless you are made of ice, I can't possibly see not being affected by this. We want our children to thrive, make friends and be happy. Sadly the world sucks at times. My son went through this sort of thing as well. I encouraged him to shrug it off and try his best to let things slide. I told him he will meet people like this for the rest of his life. I encouraged him to really think about what is being said to him. Does it really matter? Do these kids really mean that much in the end? Of course my inner mommy thoughts were quite vicious Little punk *&$@$ kids. My son is sensitive so it took him some time. We moved to a new state/city etc and he had a hard time fitting in. The kids around here were really unwelcoming. Eventually he started saying things back.
Kids: "you look stupid"
My son: "thats cool"
Kids: stunned silence, "didnt you hear what I said?"
My son: "yep"
Kids: more silence, maybe an eye roll and then walking away
Once my son had the attitude he basically didnt give a you know what, the other kids became intrigued. He made friends and the ones that were jerks avoided him. It wasnt fun anymore if they couldnt push buttons. Its not fool proof of course. There are good days and bad days. I always found the hardest part of parenting was dealing with other people.
My son is a 'bully magnet' and has been since the 1st grade. When we move, the bullies always seem to find him. He's tried all the 'tricks - standing up for himself (which sometimes works, but gets him in trouble at school, due to his size - he's taller and more naturally muscular than the other boys his age), making jokes, ignoring them, killing them with kindness... nothing works for long.
He's an exceptionally good looking boy, and incredibly smart. He's gotten shyer though as the bullying has gotten worse, which it does, as he ages. It usually starts around girls - no matter their age, from kindergarten and now in middle school, they love him. Even his female teachers - he is always the favorite. Add in that he kills any grading 'curve' and the other boys can't handle their jealousy. But what is obvious to adults, isn't always obvious to children.
Somehow, he had really low self esteem though. He recently came to me in a quiet moment and asked why I keep saying he's so good looking, but the other kids tell him he's ugly. We talked and he realized it's only the boys that say that, never the girls. Same thing with teachers - his female teachers fawn over him, but the male teachers are real jerks. One of them went so far as to participate in the hazing my son was receiving. (He lost his teaching certificate last spring. When my son reported the hazing, he also told me everything else going on in the classroom. The teacher's computer was confiscated, there was an investigation and ... )
His participation in our church teen group has wrought an amazing difference in him. He was invited to join a year early (by the "Captain", a girl of course) and he was reluctant. One of the kids in the program, a boy two years older, was recently expelled for bullying - but they've become good friends. It's so heartwarming to watch him goof off with other kids, be accepted, be excited about going somewhere and doing something with other kids! Both he and the boy who was expelled last year will be homeschooled beginning this year. He's excited about school again. His attitude has improved and although melancholy by nature, he's gotten much less sullen in the past 4 months; probably because he doesn't have to face his bullies again. It doesn't matter how big you are, when it's 4 against one, it's not only a fearful situation, it's also painful, emotionally.
My suggestion is for you to remove him from the bullies. Although some adults are bullies as well, when we're older and more mature, it's easier to keep away from them and not have them matter. Our worlds get bigger as we age and bullies become less important.
Also, when he was going to school, one of his 'friends' was also friends with one of the bullies. I told my son that I wouldn't make them stop talking and seeing each other, but that real friends aren't friends with people who hurt you. He thought about it, but then confronted his friend. His friend told him he didn't like the other kids, but was afraid that if he stopped hanging out with them, they'd start bullying him as well. My son told him what I'd said and told the boy that he had to choose - be a stand up guy, or a doormat. The other boy chose doormat, though he's been calling my son throughout the summer trying to get together - but now my son has other, better friends. At the time, he had just begun teen group and I'd promised him he could begin homeschool if he kept up with it this coming school year. The changes are remarkable.
I have discussed this in another forum, where anonymous people say we've made the wrong choice for our son and that we should just let him fight it out for himself. As I've said before, if you want your son covered with bruises or constantly in ISS (in school suspension) for standing up for themselves, go for it. Why should I continue to send him to a school where his focus is almost entirely on his social standing, rather than bring him home, let him get an education and find his social group elsewhere (via church, other homeschooling families, etc). No one we know has said anything against our choices to me, or even hinted at them. And I wouldn't care if they did. I'm not raising THEIR child - my concern is solely for my own.
Do what is best for YOUR son. It is your job to protect him. I'll never get people who make statements like "kids are resilient"... kids have FEWER coping skills than adults, not more!
One question for the above..... Do you intend for your son to stay a child all his life, or do you hope that he will grow and become an adult?
An adult with adult skills in handling badly behaving co-workers? Or a child-like adult that runs home to Mommie everytime things don't go right at college or work?
He MUST learn how to handle himself. You cannot always be there to protect him. Bullies will always be there. He has to learn that he just can't move away.
Let the son know he can play with them and when they start acting bad in his opinion walk away or say something and stand his ground. If he wants to say something to the other boys behaving badly that is up to him. Children are going to brush off things said to them faster than adults. Once you get adults involved it get all blown out of proportion unless it is physical violence then adults need to intervene. Let your son know that he can stand up for what he believes in and if they are being mean then let them what comes around will go around. Good Luck!
Ours turned violent with throwing balls at head (football and basketball while riding an electric scooter down the road=playing target at my son's head=thinking it is funny if they hit him). I did talk to the parents right after second incident since I was in garage sweeping it out and they said boys will be boys loaded the boys up afterwards and took them to paintball park within 15 minutes of it being pointed out to their attention. This is why I know that my children will not be around their children or parents-the parents are brushing off the kids and it will only help in the bullying. If it ever happens again I will call the police.
The bullying is happening at home (neighborhood) and not at school. He has a lot of friends at school; it's a small school --the kids all know each other.
What I have decided to do is back off just a tad. I have told my son he can play with them in small doses because what has been said here is correct, he needs to learn to handle people like this. I like the idea of brushing off the comments; that will certainly shut them up! I've been talking to him about being himself, not worrying about what other people wear, etc. He actually wore a pair of shorts today that were considered "uncool" by these boys-- there is no way he would have walked out the door with these shorts on a week ago.
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Also, when he was going to school, one of his 'friends' was also friends with one of the bullies. I told my son that I wouldn't make them stop talking and seeing each other, but that real friends aren't friends with people who hurt you. He thought about it, but then confronted his friend. His friend told him he didn't like the other kids, but was afraid that if he stopped hanging out with them, they'd start bullying him as well. My son told him what I'd said and told the boy that he had to choose - be a stand up guy, or a doormat. The other boy chose doormat, though he's been calling my son throughout the summer trying to get together - but now my son has other, better friends. At the time, he had just begun teen group and I'd promised him he could begin homeschool if he kept up with it this coming school year. The changes are remarkable.
This is exactly what's going on with his friend. He has even told my son that he agrees with these boys when they say bad things about my son just so they will be nice to him. He's the type of kid that doesn't like to stir the pot; he prefers to play with everyone and doesn't like conflict. I think he knows my son will still be his friend regardless of what he does so he has chosen to go along with the other boys.
One question for the above..... Do you intend for your son to stay a child all his life, or do you hope that he will grow and become an adult?
An adult with adult skills in handling badly behaving co-workers? Or a child-like adult that runs home to Mommie everytime things don't go right at college or work?
He MUST learn how to handle himself. You cannot always be there to protect him. Bullies will always be there. He has to learn that he just can't move away.
Right, because we all know that children who have parents who neglect them and pay no attention to them grow up to be the most well adjusted.
The schools are filled with kids who have parents who are not there for their children when something goes wrong. It's why there are so many bullies - they've learned that consideration and kindness are not valued. They seek to take out their frustrations on the other children, who DO have a good homelife. I am so tired of hearing, "Oh but Mrs SSKKC, if you only understood how bad Bullybob has it at home." "We've tried contacting his parents, but they don't respond."
There is no need to run away from bullies as an adult. You don't have to have them in your life. How sad that you feel that not dealing with jerks is not an option for you. When someone attempts to bully me, I cut them out. Why waste my time with people like that? There are good and kind people in this world I'd rather spend my time with and teach my child to emulate. School is not the only place children learn how to interact with other people. Maybe it's the only place YOUR children were exposed to other human beings, but my children have been exposed to a more expanded and diverse world than that.
I find these sorts of rationales funny, but in a sad way. Human children need to be taught how to handle things. They do not learn solely by experience. Did you provide clothing and food for your child? Why? Did they learn how to provide food, clothing and shelter for themselves as adults?
oh wait... aren't there multiple threads right now about the 'boomerang' generation (to use your words, "a child-like adult that runs home to Mommie everytime things don't go right at college or work")? I don't recall any involving homeschooled children. I don't recall ANY threads on CD involving homeschooled children who 'boomerang', are pregnant at 14, joined a gang, smack their mother around, refuse to do their homework, have been expelled AGAIN for skipping classes... it's the kids whose parents sent them to learn about "real life" from other children, rather than teaching and raising their children themselves. I can find hundreds of those types of threads involving public school kids on this forum alone. How many can you find about kids that were homeschooled and are acting like that? Of course, perhaps doing those things (ie skipping school, being disrespectful, joining gangs, doing drugs, teen pregnancy, etc) are how you determine if a child has "adult skills in handling badly behaving co-workers".
The thing is, home lifestyles have changed since the 1940s when you were in school. In 1945, if a 9 year old boy hit a 7 year old girl in the head with a book because she didn't like him, the teacher would've stepped in and blistered his butt right then and there. The parents of the boy would've taken him home and shown him the proverbial face of God. If 4 11 year old boys jumped another 11 year old boy because a girl thought the fifth boy was cute, the fifth boy would've gotten his friends (or his big brother) to teach those 4 boys a lesson. Now, if the fifth boy takes any action against the first 4, he is considered WORSE and receives WORSE punishment. None of these children go home to a family where they are taught how to act in the world. Fewer and fewer children have fathers living in the home with them and their single mothers are too busy and too dependant on their jobs to care what their kids are doing, as long as it doesn't affect them directly.
I don't know why so many think 'homeschooling' is evil. My children will have lessons at home 3-4 hours a day. Afterschool, they'll have REAL friends (not false friends) over to play with. They'll have teen group and scouts. Home school coops and get togethers. My kids actually WANT to visit museums. The refrain we hear most often from their friends is, "My mom never" or "My dad never", said with awe.
I understand that it's a different world than you grew up in. Heck, this is different from the world I grew up in and I'm more than 40 years younger than you are Padgett. I do not understand why someone feels that an environment where a child is bullied, then punished when they stand up for themselves, is better than just making different choices. If I work somewhere and my boss is a real jerk, I've found another job, with better working conditions. If a "friend" is a jerk, I find new friends. I expand my horizons. I asked one principal this question one day, "If the librarian came up from behind you in the hallway, knocked you to the ground and stepped on your head as the other teachers laughed, what would you do? Would you be comfortable with the librarian having to sit in the hallway for 10 minutes as her punishment, while you were told that what doesn't kill you make you stronger? Of course not. So, why do you want to teach my 7 year old that it's okay?"
I have forbidden our son from playing with them at their house or inviting them here. He is allowed to play with them outside when the kids are all out playing. He's actually fine with not being able to play with them but really misses playing with this good friend. His friend knows he's not allowed to go to their house but has been choosing to go with their house instead of here.
Any advice for me to help my son cope with this is appeciated. I am making plans to keep him busy this weekend and he will hopefully be able to get together with his best friend (who lives 10 minutes away) or a school friend.
Just make it possible for your son to go play with the friends at his school. The "bad" neighbor boys are not someone I would encourage my kid to play with. Don't even make him play w/ them outside if he doesn't want to. The "new" kid that your son was friends with is not a friend, and it is too bad but he is probably going to be like the "bad" neighbor boys. His Mom will regret letting him sleep over and spend so much time inseid unsupervised. Kids always divide and go along, then come back. It doesn't sound like bullying, at least not the bullying that parents have to take drastic measures to stop...just singling him out, making him feel left out. But, remember you didn't want him to play w/ these "bad" boys anyway....so he was singled out even before his new friend started hanging out w/ them. Just keep him busy...don't make it worse by ongoing discussions and reacting to being left out...Mosel for him how to continue to do his own thing...just make things for him to do available by play dates, sleep overs w/ his school friends etc. It will pass. I would think twice about encouraging him to have only one neighborhood friend....Get him into some sports or team activities so that he can make a few friends. Good luck
BOTH of you need to learn to "fight back"! Suck it up, and put on your big girl and big boy pants and face the fact that there are people out there who derive personal pleasure out of making you and your son miserable!!
This has been going on for decades and will NEVER stop for those people who insist on being a easy mark! Time for your son to "draw first blood"!
Once he takes the initiative in a confrontation, they will go on to the next baby they can find!
I have forbidden our son from playing with them at their house or inviting them here. He is allowed to play with them outside when the kids are all out playing. He's actually fine with not being able to play with them but really misses playing with this good friend. His friend knows he's not allowed to go to their house but has been choosing to go with their house instead of here.
Any advice for me to help my son cope with this is appeciated. I am making plans to keep him busy this weekend and he will hopefully be able to get together with his best friend (who lives 10 minutes away) or a school friend.
Oh mom, I feel for you..
It is always hard to see our babies go through issues like this..
However you seem like a loving mommy, you will find a way.
I have only one child ( a man child 15 years old now.)
I have gone through this myself.
My son useto play with one kid on the block and he was like his brother..
He began to play with other kids that were not okay..he useto tell me how sad he was because this kid would play with other kids that were mean. What I told him was that not all kids will make good choices and they will choose to play along with others even they know it is not good and they may get in trouble and he ( my son) should be true to himself and “f” these kids..
So my son would play with his friend until his friend wanted to go over another the other kids house and then my son would come home and sooner rather than later the friend would come back and I explained why my son was not going over there.
I spoke to the friends mom 1 time.. And told her I felt and this was it..I did not give a sheet what she thought or had to say we obviously had different parenting styles but at least she knew what I was willing to put up with and she came around on her own after several incidents and forbade her son to play with the other children.
Fast forward..My son attended a private school and had a very good friend, This boy had no dad. He was close to my ex. He and my son were best friends from 2nd grade until 8th grade ( My son will be a sophmore) and the two were inseparable..I am talking this kid spent 4 days at my home at a time and his mother took my son for the weekend.
However they attended different high school’s. And even so my son attended bday parties and hung out occasionally. Towards the end of their freshman year my son stated “Mom I am not going to hang out with “ken” anymore, I heard from an old friend of ours that he is sneaking out and having sex with this girl his mom does not know about and he started smoking pot” I stated I was sorry and should I not tell his mom” He stated “Don’t hi mom thinks heis perfect” This kid has a fb page and he is friends with my son on fb alone and this kid is allowed to run free and do whatever he wants and his mom allows it ( Even hanging out with a kid that she did not like because he was mean to her kid and very ill behaved)
I was very proud of my son for being able to make decisions like this on his own.
I know he misses him sometimes but he understands why on his own why he can longer be friends with him because Of what I have instilled in him.
He has even stated “Mom my first day of hs there were guys that called me a *** because I wore a pink shirt” I stated “How do you feel?” He stated “I m cool WITH it I know they are haters, that their girls were checking me out..lol” He has friends and does not sweat the small ****..
This year? Another best friend that was in 7th grade is joining him at hs.. They went school, shopping together, his friend stated he was scared of starting hs and my son stated “It is a little scary but I will be there” I am so proud of my baby..
Use every opp to teach them that nothing is forever and there will be those that do not like you but guess what? They do not define you or who you are…I told him he will find friends all along the course of life and those whom do not like him do not matter period!
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Of course, perhaps doing those things (ie skipping school, being disrespectful, joining gangs, doing drugs, teen pregnancy, etc) are how you determine if a child has "adult skills in handling badly behaving co-workers".
