Bizarre Childcare Issue (money related)

[forum_browser]

I know she's your mom, and saying no to moms is easier said than done, but I don't think I'd leave a child with her at all.

[steelstress]

$20 for a few days? Or $20 per day for those few days? Quite a difference.

regardless, you made the right decision in choosing your MIL.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by TimeMachine

HI! OP back! I've been away for a few days, hope no one thought I jumped the thread! Sometimes I worry about my mom's mental health for this and other reasons. For now we are going with my Mother In Law for most of the care. Still trying to figure things out.

Basically both women seem to interact well with the baby while they have them, my MIL includes floor gym time, "reading", and lets the baby nap on her chest so their is a lot of cuddle time. MIL also takes the baby out on errands.
My mom does not do "as much", the baby seems to sit in a high chair or bouncy chair most of the day, with some time lying in a playpen, but my mom does talk with her constantly. (Yes my Mom has watched her a few times for pay when MIL was not available.)
The baby does seem a little more subdued when coming home from my mothers, and a little more alert when coming home from my Mother In Laws.

I just gave my MIL a $150 dollar check for September, she watched her for 10 days, so that's about $15 a day, and MIL didn't really want to take the check, but I insisted and it made me feel good in a way.

The discussion of money with my Mom continues to be toxic. The strange thing is my Dad keeps getting upset with her whenever the subject of money comes up and tells my mom to "stop talking about it", he seems to feel embarrassed that my Mom is taking such a hard line about money. My Mom has only watched the baby a few days and I was able to "haggle" her down to $20, the whole conversation was blowing my mind. At first I kept telling her the MIL was going to watch the baby as she was more affordable. Then my mother accussed ME of making it "all about money" so I felt guilty. Then we started some form of price negotiations, after which she claimed she felt "blackmailed" into taking only $20.

So basically, my MIL will be watching the baby as I don't have it in me to negotiate this on a daily basis, so my Mom will be backing up the guilt truck shortly.

If it were me I would be talking to my dad trying to understand the unexpected "money fixation" (I'm assuming this is something new). Are there some new major expenses that your mom is worried about? A new roof? expensive dental care? a new furnace? upcoming nursing care?

Or has your parent's finances changed? someone lost a job? stock market gone down? bad investments? a serious and expensive health problem?

Or gambling debts? an addiction to lottery tickets? a drinking or drug addiction?

Maybe your mom really needs the money but can't find another job so is hoping that you "read between the lines" to help her in her time of need by paying her $50 a day to babysit.

My husband lost his professional job due to serious health problems and was unemployed for almost two years. He was forced to take a job at $25,000 a year less money. He was too embarrassed to tell his family. They never even knew that he lost his professional job and was unemployed. He told them later that he was "semi-retired" and implied that he was only working his new job for "something to do to fill up his day" when actually we were having difficulty paying our mortgage, electric bill, phone bill, etc. etc. His family lived far away so they didn't realize that I had to work full time as well as work two part-time jobs and borrow money from my family just to keep from losing our house. Plus both of our children needed to get part-time jobs for their spending money/expenses.

It still seems hard to believe but my husband actually was able to keep from both parents, all his siblings and all of his other relatives that he had a serious health issue, lost his professional job and was unemployed for two years while still talking to them on the phone every week and visiting once a year. Our children were in high school so they were old enough to evade any direct questions (heck, he even kept those things from me and our children for months and we were all living in the same house).

So, don't underestimate how far some people may go to hide "unpleasant secrets" from their family.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by TimeMachine

so my Mom will be backing up the guilt truck shortly.

And you will be standing right there at the loading dock, waving her in with bright red flags because you CHOSE your MIL over her.

I'm telling you, as long as you CHOOSE your MIL for child care, you are playing right into this game with your mom. The only way you can resolve it is to use NEITHER grandmother for child care, regardless of price.


Your problem here is not money.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

If it were me I would be talking to my dad trying to understand the unexpected "money fixation" (I'm assuming this is something new).
...

Don't underestimate how far some people may go to hide "unpleasant secrets" from their family.

This is related to my post about needing to figure out why Mom is asking for money to babysit or even be with her grandchild.

The (ex)husband of a friend of my mine kept an "unpleasant secret" from her for a long time.

It seems incredible but the husband was fired from his job and was unemployed for almost an entire year before she found out. She wasn't stupid but he covered his tracks so well that she never knew.

He got dressed each day and left for work, after she left for her job he would sneak back home and watch TV all day, making sure to leave the house exactly how the wife had left it in the morning. He would leave before she got home and then "come home from work" his usual time. He opened charge accounts and would take cash advances for the usual amounts of his paychecks. Since he was home everyday he would take the credit card bills (and only those) out of the delivered mail.

If his wife called him at work a buddy at his former job would say he was in a meeting, out of the office or in the bathroom. The buddy would then call him at home and tell him to call his wife back.

He even made out a "fake" W-2 form (changed the partial year W-2 to say the appropriate amount of income) so he could do the joint income taxes (which he never mailed).

He seemed to have thought of everything until the day that my friend went home early because she was sick and found her (now ex)husband at home with the coffee table filled with multiple, unpaid credit card bills. It was not a pretty sight.

Maybe, there is another innocent reason why your mom is so concerned about money but maybe there is an "unpleasant secret" that she is trying to hide from you.
I suggest that you check it out.