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Hey, I could not believe what happened yesterday and would like any advice others might have. My 3 year old son was out playing with some of the older neighbors (ages 4-6) yesterday and he came inside after a few minutes crying to his mom and I that one of the boys had hit him with a stick. At first I was thinking, ok, my peaceful son who never would hurt another kid because of an aversion to violence and empathetic nature was over reacting... or something like that. But then I looked at his back under his shirt and it looked like he took a thrashing - at least two hits, significantly sized welts. I was seriously pissed, and I was determined to confront the kid that did this.
I honestly don't know the parents of all the boys (my fault for sure, I guess I need to prioritize doing this now) but I do know where they live, and I did very quickly figure out where all the kids ran to after my son ran home (it amazes me how all the kids seem to cut and run when someone gets hurt - I've seen this before).
Well the offending boy actually was who we ran into in the neighbors back yard (the others were inside) and instead of expressing remorse he tried to justify his actions when I asked him about them by saying that my son had hit him first. As I tried to describe previously, not in my son's character at all. Also, once I knew it was this boy who did it, I remembered this was the kid I met for the first time a couple months ago that seemed to have a violent streak... he's only 4, but I know he's the one who would always pick on my 2 year old daughter when she was joining in water-game fun, and I've seen him push her unprovoked to the ground, and lastly I've seen him carry around a bat when no one else was around beating the ground angrily at imaginery things.
My daughter I don't really worry about too much when it comes to these things because she can be pretty violent herself and is assertive when someone does something she doesn't like- she'll stand her ground against anyone without fear. She also is loud enough and already articulate enough that she just doesn't get victimized. Well I immediately followed this kid to the rear entrance of his house (he ran from me and my son - I was holding my son in my arms - where the other boys were... one of them summoned the dad who I showed my son's back to and explained what happened. he called over his wife who also looked. The son was immediately asked what happened and taken away (I assumed time-out or something else was done).
Well I am here now wondering and hoping that this will truly be the end of the issue - but knowledgeable enough about the world to realize it might not be. I used to be picked on as a child (same personality type). My wife was too - so there is probably some genetics that play a roll in this. As such I've worked diligently to build up his confidence with others to try to ensure the same thing doesn't happen to him. Up until today I was confident he would be fine - but one older stupid and violent kid with a stick started hitting him and now I'm not certain what exactly to tell my son. Do I tell him to next time get a stick and beat the snot out of this kid if something like that happens again? (I can imagine my son just wouldn't do this anyway - much less it being not a very responsible thing to tell someone else to do). Any advice out there?
I really don't want my son to be alienated from this entire group of boys since they will in all likelyhood be at the same bus stop and school when he is older... they are literally just 1-2 years older than him, technically they are his peers. Although right now the age difference is significant, in the future I don't think it will be as much. The others seem normal, but I am aware that the violent kid is actually a younger brother of one of the others and the entire group seem to be close friends right now (my son is sort of a peripheral friend right now to the group - we're a neighbor, but not close to the parents). Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Wow- your writings are impressive. You seem to have a great feel for the entire situation from every angle, as well as an eye to the future and how your and your son's actions today might affect him in the years to come. Kudos to you for your insight and objectivity.
An idea I have, especially since it seems that the parents of the other child took this seriously (lucky for you- that's rare!) would be to sit down with them and have a frank discussion about this- express your appreciation for their acceptance and reaction to his actions- but also express that you are concerned for your son because of his gentle nature.
Perhaps you and the other child's parents can work together to foster a friendship between these very different children- and maybe your son can learn to assert himself while the other child can learn to be less aggressive as a result of said friendship. At the same time, you may have the opportunity to foster a friendship of your own with these parents who seem like they are very decent people in spite of their son's shortcomings.
You have a golden opportunity to make lemonade out of this situation- where normally a Hatfield and McCoy rivalry could be initiated. Given your intelligence and wonderful attitude, I think you'll be enjoying lemonade...........
Three is a little young to be playing outside, with other kids, without supervision. If I was you, I'd stay outside when your son is outside, and keep him in your yard-and keep the violent kid out of your yard.
There is a huge difference, socially, between three and fourish,fiveish. You're expecting too much of your son, to navigate with the bigger kids, on his own outside. That's setting him up to be pushed around.
My advice for what it's worth, is to pull your child back in..............3 is too young to running about the neighbourhood............i say "running" about because you did lose track of him..........kids get bored easily and tend to go from backyard to backyard. Change the rules now before the precedent has been set..............before you know it, the backyard will not be good enough..........then it's out near the street....."somebodies" house.....then the park..........the mall...........and then God knows where?!
Mental illness doesnt always all of a sudden appear in the teens or adulthood..............this child may have serious issues...........and i did go thru something similar with my daughter...........the other child would hurt others and then have this evil grin on her face.............
.........it's funny how many children "follow" these types of children, perhaps because they are older/louder and more obnoxious then the others in the group..............especially noticeable all the way up til the teens............then we usually grow a braincell and decide these types of people are not healthy to be around..............although you will still see the "alpha" male/female surrounded by the "weaker" ones........
..........probably your son has been singled out as the weakest one.........therefore the one to "pick on".............i would take this very seriously and watch him carefully, strengthen his communication skills, empower him by tellin him exactly what to do if "this should happen" and a course in one of the martial arts couldnt hurt..............these are more about gainin greater confidence than about fighting............
..........what if next time................the others think it would be "fun" to join in?
All great posts. I stayed outside and watched my kids play until they were 5 or 6 years old. Its easy for play to get out of control. Remember when we were young? If our parents only knew half of what we were up to.
Another issue is that you didnt know the other children. Never a good idea to turn your back in this situation.
Not beating up on you friend far from it. We like to think that we can trust our neighbors. Let me pose this question.
Would you trust your neighbors with your winning lottery ticket worth 50 million dollars?
Is your child worth any less?
I agree. I wouldn't let a young child outside without an adult supervising. Maybe if the other children were older and known to me but certainly not otherwise. There is a huge difference between a 3 and a 4 and 5 year old. Maybe you could invite one or two of the neighborhood kids over to play or something so that you would watch them playing.
I also agree about martial arts. It's great for giving kids confidence and the tools to handle conflicts without violence. We do a karate class aimed at toddlers a couple of times a week. It's amazing what it can do for a young child, I can't say enough good things about it. A good instructor will talk to your child about things that happened at home or at school. Our instructor stresses that their martial arts training is a partnership between instructor, student and home.
I would follow up with the neighbor too. I would be mortified if one of my kids did this to a younger neighbor, any neighbor for that matter. He should at least be encouraged to say sorry to your son.
I would be mortified also.
Just be careful not to project your recollections of your childhood angst onto all of these kids, yours and the others. ".....Also, once I knew it was this boy who did it, I remembered this was the kid I met for the first time a couple months ago that seemed to have a violent streak... he's only 4, but I know he's the one who would always pick on my 2 year old daughter when she was joining in water-game fun, and I've seen him push her unprovoked to the ground, and lastly I've seen him carry around a bat when no one else was around beating the ground angrily at imaginery things. " Just a bit harsh, don't you think...... Not all kids are latent sociopaths and 4 year-olds aren't the most social creatures.
Hey, I could not believe what happened yesterday and would like any advice others might have. My 3 year old son was out playing with some of the older neighbors (ages 4-6) yesterday and he came inside after a few minutes crying to his mom and I that one of the boys had hit him with a stick. At first I was thinking, ok, my peaceful son who never would hurt another kid because of an aversion to violence and empathetic nature was over reacting... or something like that. But then I looked at his back under his shirt and it looked like he took a thrashing - at least two hits, significantly sized welts. I was seriously pissed, and I was determined to confront the kid that did this.
I honestly don't know the parents of all the boys (my fault for sure, I guess I need to prioritize doing this now) but I do know where they live, and I did very quickly figure out where all the kids ran to after my son ran home (it amazes me how all the kids seem to cut and run when someone gets hurt - I've seen this before).
Well the offending boy actually was who we ran into in the neighbors back yard (the others were inside) and instead of expressing remorse he tried to justify his actions when I asked him about them by saying that my son had hit him first. As I tried to describe previously, not in my son's character at all. Also, once I knew it was this boy who did it, I remembered this was the kid I met for the first time a couple months ago that seemed to have a violent streak... he's only 4, but I know he's the one who would always pick on my 2 year old daughter when she was joining in water-game fun, and I've seen him push her unprovoked to the ground, and lastly I've seen him carry around a bat when no one else was around beating the ground angrily at imaginery things.
My daughter I don't really worry about too much when it comes to these things because she can be pretty violent herself and is assertive when someone does something she doesn't like- she'll stand her ground against anyone without fear. She also is loud enough and already articulate enough that she just doesn't get victimized. Well I immediately followed this kid to the rear entrance of his house (he ran from me and my son - I was holding my son in my arms - where the other boys were... one of them summoned the dad who I showed my son's back to and explained what happened. he called over his wife who also looked. The son was immediately asked what happened and taken away (I assumed time-out or something else was done).
Well I am here now wondering and hoping that this will truly be the end of the issue - but knowledgeable enough about the world to realize it might not be. I used to be picked on as a child (same personality type). My wife was too - so there is probably some genetics that play a roll in this. As such I've worked diligently to build up his confidence with others to try to ensure the same thing doesn't happen to him. Up until today I was confident he would be fine - but one older stupid and violent kid with a stick started hitting him and now I'm not certain what exactly to tell my son. Do I tell him to next time get a stick and beat the snot out of this kid if something like that happens again? (I can imagine my son just wouldn't do this anyway - much less it being not a very responsible thing to tell someone else to do). Any advice out there?
I really don't want my son to be alienated from this entire group of boys since they will in all likelyhood be at the same bus stop and school when he is older... they are literally just 1-2 years older than him, technically they are his peers. Although right now the age difference is significant, in the future I don't think it will be as much. The others seem normal, but I am aware that the violent kid is actually a younger brother of one of the others and the entire group seem to be close friends right now (my son is sort of a peripheral friend right now to the group - we're a neighbor, but not close to the parents). Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I am so sorry that your son has to experience that. What a horrible thing for a 3 yr old.
Then again I would not want my child around kids like those either. I would as others suggested have children over to your house and only the ones who are good kids be allowed. You might even want to call the police to see what they suggest you do. It would not hurt.
Good Luck.
I am sorry that this happened to your child. I would, as everyone else has said, not allow him to go out playing with older children unsupervised. Also, I'm curious, you stated that his parents pulled him away, however did they ever acknowledge or express any apologies
If not, I would approach them in hopes of understanding their child (i.e. whether or not this sort of thing has ever happened; whether he has some psychological issues, etc.). Then you can determine whether or not a relationship can foster between your son and this child.
My daughter is 8 however, I'm always sitting on the porch watching her when she's playing with the other neighborhood children - guess I'm just paranoid like that. In addition, there is a problem child who comes to play with my daughter - there was one minor incident, but I made it VERY clear to all the children together, that either than can play together peacefully or don't play at all. I treat the neighborhood children as if they were my own and let them know I will not tolerate fighting; foul language; etc. and I let their parents know. If they don't like it, then they will not be allowed in my yard nor will my daughter be allowed to play with them.
I hope that you get to the bottom of this and I hope your child heals (physically and mentally).
Hey, I could not believe what happened yesterday and would like any advice others might have. My 3 year old son was out playing with some of the older neighbors (ages 4-6) yesterday and he came inside after a few minutes crying to his mom and I that one of the boys had hit him with a stick. At first I was thinking, ok, my peaceful son who never would hurt another kid because of an aversion to violence and empathetic nature was over reacting... or something like that. But then I looked at his back under his shirt and it looked like he took a thrashing - at least two hits, significantly sized welts. I was seriously pissed, and I was determined to confront the kid that did this.
I honestly don't know the parents of all the boys (my fault for sure, I guess I need to prioritize doing this now) but I do know where they live, and I did very quickly figure out where all the kids ran to after my son ran home (it amazes me how all the kids seem to cut and run when someone gets hurt - I've seen this before).
Well the offending boy actually was who we ran into in the neighbors back yard (the others were inside) and instead of expressing remorse he tried to justify his actions when I asked him about them by saying that my son had hit him first. As I tried to describe previously, not in my son's character at all. Also, once I knew it was this boy who did it, I remembered this was the kid I met for the first time a couple months ago that seemed to have a violent streak... he's only 4, but I know he's the one who would always pick on my 2 year old daughter when she was joining in water-game fun, and I've seen him push her unprovoked to the ground, and lastly I've seen him carry around a bat when no one else was around beating the ground angrily at imaginery things.
My daughter I don't really worry about too much when it comes to these things because she can be pretty violent herself and is assertive when someone does something she doesn't like- she'll stand her ground against anyone without fear. She also is loud enough and already articulate enough that she just doesn't get victimized. Well I immediately followed this kid to the rear entrance of his house (he ran from me and my son - I was holding my son in my arms - where the other boys were... one of them summoned the dad who I showed my son's back to and explained what happened. he called over his wife who also looked. The son was immediately asked what happened and taken away (I assumed time-out or something else was done).
Well I am here now wondering and hoping that this will truly be the end of the issue - but knowledgeable enough about the world to realize it might not be. I used to be picked on as a child (same personality type). My wife was too - so there is probably some genetics that play a roll in this. As such I've worked diligently to build up his confidence with others to try to ensure the same thing doesn't happen to him. Up until today I was confident he would be fine - but one older stupid and violent kid with a stick started hitting him and now I'm not certain what exactly to tell my son. Do I tell him to next time get a stick and beat the snot out of this kid if something like that happens again? (I can imagine my son just wouldn't do this anyway - much less it being not a very responsible thing to tell someone else to do). Any advice out there?
I really don't want my son to be alienated from this entire group of boys since they will in all likelyhood be at the same bus stop and school when he is older... they are literally just 1-2 years older than him, technically they are his peers. Although right now the age difference is significant, in the future I don't think it will be as much. The others seem normal, but I am aware that the violent kid is actually a younger brother of one of the others and the entire group seem to be close friends right now (my son is sort of a peripheral friend right now to the group - we're a neighbor, but not close to the parents). Any thoughts would be appreciated.
parents need to talk. is it ok to use weapons??? discuss now. it will only get worse.
if the neighbor kid continues to use weapons, somebody is gona use some on him very very soon. while this is being worked out you gota decide if you want your unarmed kid to play with armed kids.
stephen s
san diego ca
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