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The other issue is they treat my house like a hotel. They eat breakfast, and leave dishes, crumbs, etc. all over the place. They leave the guest room a mess, with garbage on the bed, etc like some maid will come clean.
Why can't they simply stay in a hotel when they visit? There are plenty of grandparents - who have GOOD relationships with their adult children and their families -- that stay in a hotel when visiting their family. Put that forward as your new ground rule and you meet them in the middle by allowing them to visit their grandchildren.
You've got to remember that your husband is a product of his parents so they must have done something right.
I've experienced this same situation from both sides, as a daughter-in-law and as a mother-in-law. My mother-in-law was crude whereas my own mother was genteel so it was a lot to get used to, not to mention the greasy hands from food on everything. My daughter-in-law is a slob who has her mother come daily to clean up after her while she sits and knits whereas I had worked two jobs and still kept a spotless house. She resents if I try to find the table under all the piles so I learned to live with the mess.
The bottom line is that it takes a certain amount of goodwill and patience, and biting your tongue, in order to acclimate yourself to new family members who are unlike you. My mother-in-law didn't change but she loved the kids, and her son, and became very supportive of me because I didn't keep her away from them. I can tell you it's not very comfortable going to visit grandchildren when you feel someone is wishing you would disappear from the scene altogether. The funny thing is I am very much like her own mother and the two of us get along like sisters. It's just that I'm not 'her' mother and she would prefer keeping her family life insular including access to my son and the kids. Not a mature attitude in my way of thinking.
It's not an easy thing. You need to examine this from their point of view a little more. It can be heart breaking when you're on the other end of a situation like this, and some day you yourself may be for no other reason than you pose a threat by being your son's mother. If you have to put them up at a motel or go to the movies a lot when they're there do it. I wouldn't put up with abuse neither would I give anything that even hinted at it, including a bad attitude. Accomodation is the name of the game. You may find you have an ally you didn't expect in your inlaws.
Wow, what a great, great post. You've made me reconsider how I consider my own inlaws. Being annoyed because someone isn't like you, although tempting, and sometimes understandable, is really petty in the long run.
Yes, mine always stayed in a hotel when they visited us. This is what I mean about boundaries. It's okay to make your boundaries and then stick with them.
I personally enjoy waiting on guests, though. I was always offended that the in-laws wouldn't stay with us. They would come, spend one night in a hotel and then rush home, but never have a conversation with me. When they went to the other sibling's house, they would stay a week or two at their house.
Hi. So my inlaws do treat the kids well. They live out of state so when they visit, they descend upon our lives for days at a time. My husband has a hard time standing up to them, always had. I know it sounds selfish....but if they aren't going to treat the mother of their grandkids with respect, then why should they be allowed access to the kids? I've already put my foot down on a couple of times that they've wanted to come.
The other issue is they treat my house like a hotel. They eat breakfast, and leave dishes, crumbs, etc. all over the place. They leave the guest room a mess, with garbage on the bed, etc like some maid will come clean.
I empathize with you. I really do, but you have a moral obligation to your children not to put them in the middle of these adult issues. If your in-laws disrespect you in front of them or to them, then that's another issue. Not cleaning up after themselves is rude, but it's a teaching moment with your children, not a cause to yank their grandparents out of their lives.
You actually have a number of options - have the in-laws stay in a hotel, suck it up and deal with it (they are only there a few days), or confront them. Cutting them out is absolutely, 100% not your call. Please understand that I do understand your situation. Your in-laws sound like mine. I have elected to negotiate some things (i.e. I don't clean my floors before they come and I try to plan activities for them so they aren't under foot for four days) and I eat some things (I just know that dishes will pile up, clutter will accumulate, and the in-laws attitudes will annoy me). You also have the option of therapy with your husband. This has significantly helped my husband and I. I have learned to cope, and he is growing a backbone. You've actually got me thinking that maybe I should hire a maid after my in-laws leave. What's $100 for my sanity and peace of mind? Can't put a price tag on that.
Venting online is wonderfully therapeutic thing. Please just keep it to venting. Please don't hurt your children by denying them the love and support of their grandparents. Find another way.
My neighbor lady would always come and visit me when her mother in-law came to visit. That seemed to work out well for both. And then her kids and husband could visit with the in-laws.
Be tolerant and kind- so what if these in laws are slightly stunned in spiritual development..They are bit on the dumb and ignorant side...don't punish them out of spite by keeping blood away from blood- what you are about to do is much worse than what they did.
While I empathize with you I have to agree with the majority that the kids need to know their grandparents.
Now....when they come to visit, wouldn't that be a good time for you to take the all girlfriend trip that you've always wanted? (even if you didn't know you wanted it?)
Can you plan a family vacation - a 3 or 4 day weekend where you all get hotel rooms near each other, eat meals at restaurants together, go to various attractions together, maybe let the grandparents take the kids on a little outing all by themselves.
I think you all would do better in more neutral territory. The in-laws would be less inclined to blow up at you (ie: behave themselves) in a public place, you would have the safe haven of your hotel room to retreat to for a break, no one would feel like the other person's servant and the kids would have time with their grandparents w/o you just "handing them over" and staying behind.
Maybe if you could get in an enjoyable outing or two together, it would be easier for you to invite them back into your home.
Unless they are bad-mouthing you to your kids, I don't see a good reason to keep them apart. We found that allowing our kids to visit their grand parents without us was the best for everyone. They got some good quality time together, and we maintained our sanity.
I really despise my inlaws. Problems stemmed from my being of different religion from my husband, their son. They didn't want us to get married, etc., caused lots of heartache the weeks leading up to our wedding. Over the past 10 years, our relationship has been strained and basically disintegrated this summer when they blew up at me (extreme profanity) for no reason. My husband was present and can't figure out what happened.
From the very beginning, my mom told me that my mother in law would be a problem for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I don't want them near my kids, yet my husband doesn't want to keep our kids from their grandparents. I just don't think they deserve to be in our lives because of their behavior. I'm not saying not to talk to them again, but I would like to limit visits to twice a year or something. They aren't bad people, they are just inconsiderate, very one sided, etc.
I think that limiting visits is fine. And also limiting them to times when YOU and your husband are both present. Once or twice a year should suffice, send cards o holidays and birthdays, make them a scrap book with your children documenting each year.
What exactly are the religious differences? If they opposed your marriage, then the opposed you. I would say that unless something has drastically changed, an they have apologized for causing so many problems, that they feel the same way.
There is no reason to believe that they will not speak negatively i the past about you to your children. While this will likely not change your children's opinions of you, it will damage their self esteem.
See them o a limited basis and in a controlled environment.
Your instincts are correct.
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