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Old 10-24-2012, 10:06 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,695,375 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cowdog View Post
I did not remain silent. My daughter knew from very young that I expected her to turn out as a nice wife for a man and give me a grandson just like God and I wanted.
A PERFECT EXAMPLE of how not to approach your child!!!


As parents that take our jobs “seriously” the last thing we want to do is project our desires and wants for our children unto our children!

The idea of encroaching your child’s thoughts, desires and wants until they are old enough to see where they want life to take them is selfish and wrong.

This is not to confuse anything..I believe in guiding our children to be the best “them: they can be period.
Teaching right from wrong ethically, I.e. Do not steal, Do not harm another person, express compassion and empathy, appreciate the differences and strengths of others and understand that everyone has a contribution even though that may look different.

Sexuality is hard enough for children to understand as well as us parents that cringe when the awareness begins however this being hard enough without the BURDENS of sexual orientation.

Okay a child may realize that they are homosexual, they may have been feeling this for a long time however they can now put a name to what they feel.
Does this child become a different person just because of their sexual orientation?
This child is still the baby you raised, the moments you relished I.E, the first steps, the first time they said “Mom” and “Dad” the way they looked at you that makes a parents heart swell with pride and love change because your child’s sexual orientation?
They are still the child you hugged, kissed, squeezed, watched their first game, attended their first award ceremony, you hung their little pictures up on the fridge..
I do not know about any of you other parents but my fear is still there regardless if my only son is gay or hetero, I still fear the day he falls for someone and they break his heart, how am I going to react?
I still fear and want for him to finish college and obtain his goals and then think about settling down and marriage and then maybe kids, not get a girl knocked up young and never attain his goals, but these are my concerns…

I want him to have the best opps to do what he desires without allowing a relationship to ruin them but these are my wishes, he will do as he will when he is an adult and I will love and support him the best I can.

YOUR expectations? Are just that “YOURS” Your agenda may not be his and by the way you come off? You have a deep sense of entitlement and no sense of reality. Just a wake up call.
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Old 03-08-2019, 01:43 PM
 
1 posts, read 298 times
Reputation: 15
My son is 13. I have suspected he may be gay for some time. Lat night I found searches on his phone that tell me I am right. But, I don't know if HE knows yet he is gay, then there is bisexual, transgender...so on.... I am terrified I will make his self awareness process more painful. No parent wants to scar their pubescent child for life. I have tried to talk to him about other gay children in the school. I asked awkwardly once if he has decided if he likes boys or girls. I know that wasn't the way to come at him but I just wanted to say SOMETHING. his response was "I don't know' I told him I loved him no matter what and left it there.

I told my son's dad and my husband and my mom that we are going to start changing our words, not say "when you have your first girlfriend" but instead "when you fall in love" I asked everyone to be aware of positive LGBTQ opportunities to say, "aww look how happy they are", or "did you hear about so and so getting married, I think that is great" but I am on here this morning to learn what a gay child would have wanted their parent to do to help them. I have seen on a few sites some say to let them come out on their own but when I saw this one I just wanted to grab up my sweet baby and hug him and whisper "I know, and you are perfect, and we all love you" I called the school today to seek some guidance, I am waiting for the counselor to return my call. I am so scared I will further isolate my boy by telling him I know (even if he doesn't just yet) but I don't want him to look at me and say "why didn't you tell me, why didn't you help me through this?" I don't think there is a right answer, but I am going to keep searching and I welcome any advice one could provide for us. We live in a closeminded area of the US but our family is full of love and support.

Mommy B
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Old 03-08-2019, 02:26 PM
 
5,412 posts, read 1,911,061 times
Reputation: 12706
I suspect my brother is gay. I love him regardless, and want him to be happy. But does he REALLY want me to ask him or tell him "It's OK with me, if you're gay."? Hmmm...I'm not so sure.
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Old 03-08-2019, 03:17 PM
 
11,813 posts, read 9,601,960 times
Reputation: 15371
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexiana View Post
At 26, I finally told my mom I'm a lesbian. Her response, "I always knew."

All the anxiety, crying, depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental anguish that has plagued me for YEARS because I thought she wouldn't accept me, only to find out she always knew?

Would it have been so difficult to, during my extremely traumatic childhood, to just sit me down and say something to the effect of, "honey, I'll always love you no matter your sexual orientation, you have nothing to fear".
Ah but we are not perfect. I always told my son that I would love him no matter what. When he was little he asked me if I would love him if he was an ax murder. Yes indeed I would. I may not like him very much or would help him seek mental health treatment, but I would always love him.

I would not say I suspected or knew. I just did not care. He had a GF in early high school, and I thought something earth shattering like Oh.

For ME, I did not want my perception to color his experience. For instance, would I be implying that he is not normal? Would I be implying something I had not thought of?

When he told me, he said "What would you think if I told you I was gay?" I think I said something like, Um, I would not think anything. I guess I would think are you happy? Safe? Yah? Ok we're good. But he knew from all our other many conversations that that is all I ever wanted for him.


Quote:
Those simple words would have alleviated a lot of suffering on my part. And yet, when I talk to other LGBT gay people, I hear this as a recurring theme. That mom and/or dad suspected but never said anything.

Why do parents do this to their children? Given how homophobic society is, if you can obviously tell your kid is gay, why would you make it that much harder on them by having them doubt your love?
Why do parents do this? Because we are largely well meaning but dumb maybe? I know there are parents who DO reject their kids. It is incomprehensible to me. I am sorry you went through this.
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Old 03-08-2019, 05:23 PM
 
190 posts, read 45,076 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy B View Post
My son is 13. I have suspected he may be gay for some time. Lat night I found searches on his phone that tell me I am right. But, I don't know if HE knows yet he is gay, then there is bisexual, transgender...so on.... I am terrified I will make his self awareness process more painful. No parent wants to scar their pubescent child for life. I have tried to talk to him about other gay children in the school. I asked awkwardly once if he has decided if he likes boys or girls. I know that wasn't the way to come at him but I just wanted to say SOMETHING. his response was "I don't know' I told him I loved him no matter what and left it there.

I told my son's dad and my husband and my mom that we are going to start changing our words, not say "when you have your first girlfriend" but instead "when you fall in love" I asked everyone to be aware of positive LGBTQ opportunities to say, "aww look how happy they are", or "did you hear about so and so getting married, I think that is great" but I am on here this morning to learn what a gay child would have wanted their parent to do to help them. I have seen on a few sites some say to let them come out on their own but when I saw this one I just wanted to grab up my sweet baby and hug him and whisper "I know, and you are perfect, and we all love you" I called the school today to seek some guidance, I am waiting for the counselor to return my call. I am so scared I will further isolate my boy by telling him I know (even if he doesn't just yet) but I don't want him to look at me and say "why didn't you tell me, why didn't you help me through this?" I don't think there is a right answer, but I am going to keep searching and I welcome any advice one could provide for us. We live in a closeminded area of the US but our family is full of love and support.

Mommy B
It sounds like you've taken the right first steps. When your son feels ready to discuss his feelings toward any boy or girl, I think he'll feel comfortable sharing.

With my kids (who are 7 & 8), I didn't want it to become an issue of prejudice down the line even assuming they're straight, so I allowed them to see tame pictures or TV shows of gay relationships from when they were young. If they had questions, I just told them different people love in different ways and explained that girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys if that's what their hearts want to do. They're totally cool with it now, and I have gay friends so they see it as a normal relationship - as they should.
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Old 03-08-2019, 09:04 PM
 
Location: here
24,773 posts, read 29,510,827 times
Reputation: 32019
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy B View Post
My son is 13. I have suspected he may be gay for some time. Lat night I found searches on his phone that tell me I am right. But, I don't know if HE knows yet he is gay, then there is bisexual, transgender...so on.... I am terrified I will make his self awareness process more painful. No parent wants to scar their pubescent child for life. I have tried to talk to him about other gay children in the school. I asked awkwardly once if he has decided if he likes boys or girls. I know that wasn't the way to come at him but I just wanted to say SOMETHING. his response was "I don't know' I told him I loved him no matter what and left it there.

I told my son's dad and my husband and my mom that we are going to start changing our words, not say "when you have your first girlfriend" but instead "when you fall in love" I asked everyone to be aware of positive LGBTQ opportunities to say, "aww look how happy they are", or "did you hear about so and so getting married, I think that is great" but I am on here this morning to learn what a gay child would have wanted their parent to do to help them. I have seen on a few sites some say to let them come out on their own but when I saw this one I just wanted to grab up my sweet baby and hug him and whisper "I know, and you are perfect, and we all love you" I called the school today to seek some guidance, I am waiting for the counselor to return my call. I am so scared I will further isolate my boy by telling him I know (even if he doesn't just yet) but I don't want him to look at me and say "why didn't you tell me, why didn't you help me through this?" I don't think there is a right answer, but I am going to keep searching and I welcome any advice one could provide for us. We live in a closeminded area of the US but our family is full of love and support.

Mommy B
Re the first bolded, good job! That is exactly what I would have suggested you do.

Re the second bolded, I wouldn't tell anyone else. It is not your place to out him. I think you've told enough people. Unless you think he's being bullied, I wouldn't tell the school.

change your language, a s you mentioned, and watch Modern Family. You're doing good.
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Old 03-08-2019, 09:21 PM
 
2,025 posts, read 1,246,212 times
Reputation: 9779
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post

Re the second bolded, I wouldn't tell anyone else. It is not your place to out him. I think you've told enough people. Unless you think he's being bullied, I wouldn't tell the school.
Yikes, yeah. Stop telling people! I'm a bit taken aback that you called his school.

Also, realize he could still be straight. Saying inclusive things is great, but notifying people he's gay before he even figured it all out yet seems way too intrusive. Absolutely not your place to spread this info around.
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Old 03-09-2019, 12:36 AM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,467 posts, read 8,664,406 times
Reputation: 10351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
Yikes, yeah. Stop telling people! I'm a bit taken aback that you called his school.

Also, realize he could still be straight. Saying inclusive things is great, but notifying people he's gay before he even figured it all out yet seems way too intrusive. Absolutely not your place to spread this info around.
I agree, I wouldn't have called the school. Though they are obligated to keep it confidential, it's going to be awkward for him if they talk to him about it.
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Old 03-09-2019, 01:22 AM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
12,378 posts, read 13,657,349 times
Reputation: 33695
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
I am generalizing greatly here, but I think a parent who suspects their child is gay is perhaps going to be reluctant to to label them prior to the child figuring it out for themselves. Now whether or not this is the right thing to do is very hard to say.
Bingo!

I was friends with a woman who decided that her teenage daughter was a lesbian. So, she broached the topic and the daughter said, no. The mother was convinced because her daughter had so many girl friends but never a boyfriend. The stepfather cautioned her to give it a rest, but she persisted in raising the topic with her daughter.

The daughter is now alienated from her mother, and has little contact. She is, however, on good terms with all her relatives where she has moved to - grandparents, aunt and uncle, male and female cousins, visits them constantly, stays with them, etc. They all report to the mother that the daughter has a social life that wouldn't suggest that she is a lesbian.
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Old 03-09-2019, 06:48 AM
 
11,813 posts, read 9,601,960 times
Reputation: 15371
Quote:
Originally Posted by foma View Post
I think we as parents have this notion of how we want our kids to turn out. When that image is shattered - whether it's becoming a doctor, lawyer, pro-athlete, or sexual orientation - handling the reality of it can be difficult.
There is a beauty in only wanting your child to be the best them that they can be. Relieves a lot of stress all around.
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