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Operaphantom, my heart goes out to you and here is a big virtual hug from me!!
As others have said, don't put yourself down. I think that this is easier said than done but keep your chin up. I have a very challenging daughter and sometimes feel as you do. Almost everything out of my mouth results in a negative reaction from her. She takes the cake on some really cruel things said and it can really cause you to doubt yourself. I know exactly what you are feeling and it isn't easy.
All I can recommend is therapy for yourself and your son. If he is lashing out and is extremely angry, it never hurts to talk to someone. If things really start spiriling out of control, don't hesitate to look into services offered by your state. We are getting 5 hours of in home services for our daughter each week. There was so much turmoil in our family that I looked for outside resources and I got them. Secondly, do you have a close friend you can vent to? I have a very good friend who is an older mom like myself and we lean on one another. Talking things out can really help.
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