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She is an extremely talented athlete. Every sport she does, she does to the extreme. I'm 30 and she can kick my butt in tennis, soccer and swimming. She also beats teenagers who are in their prime at these various sports.
So here's the question.
Even though I've helped raise her, since she was a baby.......she has a STRONG aversion to me and her parents (even her brother) coming to any of her practices or games. So much so that her team is #4 in a huge torny. as of today and the next two games could lead to national competitions - I asked her if I could come watch with mom and dad and she is against it, saying "NO please don't"
Of course at that point being an adult I just back off and don't press for anything but it really has me perplexed.
This is a kid who fell asleep cuddled up to me last night while my girlfriend and I watched a movie with her. As a male I must be missing something... any insight into what's going on here?
Maybe stress, maybe you coddle her?? Kids really get embarrassed of their family right about that age. I experienced this rejection exactly that age from my oldest. She was coming back from her golden mass, where she had sat w/ her classmates ... and I had quickly snuck from the church to the hallway at her school holding her baby brother just to share her excitement, had her a gift...parent type oogling. She sees me and ducks behind her friends saying to them oh gads there's my Mom. It was heartbreaking....So, it is pretty normal. Especially if you haven't experienced it before. Hang in, it changes back pretty quickly. If it were me, I'd go anyway, just don't let her know til after.
Ok well I wouldn't want to stress her out.... and I never judge her like that. I only focus on the positive with her usually.
It is heart breaking and I'm not even her father. I just dont know how to react to a message on my phone telling me "NO don't come" to a game where she would play flawlessly as usual and get into nationals!
Of course I could just go do something else, I've got plenty to keep me occupied, but geeze I'd love to go watch her play, wish it wasnt such a big deal.
Maybe performance anxiety? She probably thinks a lot of you and, as weird as this might sound, it might make her anxious having you and other close family members there to observe her.
She doesn't feel the pressure so much when her "fans" aren't in the stands. At some point, she's going to have to get over this because it sounds as though the girl is going to go places with her natural talents. But now (with the team really counting on her to come through for them and so much at stake) is probably not the time to sneak into the stands. How would you feel if seeing you there threw her off of her game?
This is probably just a stage - lots of 11 year olds are like this. And I think it would be fine for you to make a visit to the stands early next season. Hopefully by then she'll want you all there.
I was the exact same way (still am, actually). I absolutely hated to take a chance that I might make a mistake in front of my family (especially my parents). The more effort I put into something (or the more *they* thought I was good at it), the more I didn't want them around for the event. I did a lot of horse shows when I was 11, and always begged my mom to leave after signing the consent form, hoped she would just drop me off at softball games, never told her when the piano recital was (she just thought I was going to my lesson), etc... Honestly, I have no idea why your niece might be this way.. I have no idea why I am either... something about not wanting to disappoint them even though they have never ever pressured me to perform well other than the usual 'you could have all A's if you would just apply yourself'.
I was the exact same way (still am, actually). I absolutely hated to take a chance that I might make a mistake in front of my family (especially my parents). The more effort I put into something (or the more *they* thought I was good at it), the more I didn't want them around for the event. I did a lot of horse shows when I was 11, and always begged my mom to leave after signing the consent form, hoped she would just drop me off at softball games, never told her when the piano recital was (she just thought I was going to my lesson), etc... Honestly, I have no idea why your niece might be this way.. I have no idea why I am either... something about not wanting to disappoint them even though they have never ever pressured me to perform well other than the usual 'you could have all A's if you would just apply yourself'.
If you have to endure a moment, the last people that you want to be there to see it are the people who are closest to you. Those are the people that you want to run home to - the ones who think you are the greatest of the great and will build your courage right back up.
I think it's very understandable. It might sound weird for a very talented person who doesn't even tend to have those moments to have concerns like that, but the worry is always there - even for them.
Last edited by springfieldva; 10-20-2012 at 05:25 PM..
Ok well I wouldn't want to stress her out.... and I never judge her like that. I only focus on the positive with her usually.
It is heart breaking and I'm not even her father. I just dont know how to react to a message on my phone telling me "NO don't come" to a game where she would play flawlessly as usual and get into nationals!
Of course I could just go do something else, I've got plenty to keep me occupied, but geeze I'd love to go watch her play, wish it wasnt such a big deal.
In the future, don't ask her, just go.
Who knows what she is thinking.
But these times can never be replicated and you don't want to miss out.
Have you asked her? I'm sure she is old enough to be able to explain herself somewhat.
Some people are more open to being cheered on by their families, others are embarassed by any extra attention directed their way.
Is your family the extra boisterous type? That might make her uncomfortable.
Or maybe she's a little supersticious (quite a few athletes are). She may be afraid she'll choke when her family is around.
Could be lots of reasons for this, but again I say, just ask her. Just make sure that when you ask, you don't put words in her mouth. Let her answer and respect her answer.
Maybe just tell her that you respect what she wants, but that if she ever changes her mind, you would be thrilled to be there for her and you would respect whatever guidelines she sets. Like no yelling at umpires or referees, or whatever is relevent to her sport (for example).
My daughter used to play sports and there were tons of parents out there making nuisances of themselves. I'm not saying thats how it would be with you and her parents, but maybe she's seen other families and she is afraid of that.
Just ask her.
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