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Old 10-30-2012, 07:35 PM
 
173 posts, read 540,805 times
Reputation: 104

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Just some thoughts here.

Think through what you want the outcomes to be here, what are your goals. What lessons do you want your daughters to learn from this, how do you want them to land emotionally. Also where do you want to be as a result of this. This is a situation fraught with intense emotions on all sides. Emotions that aren't right or wrong, they just are. As bad as this situation is there is an opportunity here. An opportunity to heal, to help heal, and to demonstrate understanding and forgiveness. You are protective of your daughters, that's a good thing. But consider what they can learn from you through forgiveness, understanding, and honesty about your emotions. Other folks have made excellent points about working with a therapist on this, also about how your DIL was not likely to be in a physical state that allowed for good judgment. But in the end, you have the opportunity to demonstrate how to positively handle a very sad situation. My prayers for a good outcome for all. Note this is just some thoughts from a non-professional individual .

 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:37 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,782,988 times
Reputation: 11123
OP, I'm guessing this happened just days ago? If so, give DD#2 some time to process it. Why must she be fixed NOW??? GIVE HER TIME. From what you've written about her before, she seems pretty level-headed, so let her process it in any way she sees fit... for now. Giver her a week, ask how she's handling it all, and if she doesn't want to talk about it, then give her another week. Nothing you can do to fix it now, and why must it be now??? Let her know you'll be there when she's ready to talk about it, or not. Just give her some time.
 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
13,440 posts, read 15,384,782 times
Reputation: 18959
Again, do you think that your DIL did that on purpose? You actually think she used your kids to help her through a traumatic event? It's really a shame that your anger/pissyness is so great that you can't even take a breath and say aloud a woman just lost her child. The "dead fetus" was a baby, not a clump of cells. This entire topic has been totally devoid of any real compassion/sympathy, just you and your kids. Yes, the topic isn't about your DIL but most people will agree that even if she was a beep, she just lost her child.

I'm sorry that your children were privy to this unfortunate event, but the total lack of compassion reflected in this topic is sad and obviously shows the great divide/issues between you and your DIL regardless of whether this happened or not.

I'd hate to think that my mother in law felt that contemptuous about me.
 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,435,945 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
No, I don't understand your anger at a woman who lost a nearly full term baby not having the wherewithal to make sure others were not in the room before she dared lose her baby.
Others are one thing. My children are another. It is in the worst of situations that adults are supposed to protect children not use them. She should have sent my kids home when she decided to go home. She needed to call an adult to be there. Not my kids. If she had sent them home, dd#2 wouldn't be going through what she is.

What ddil is going through irrelevent to what my dd is going through. I'm dealing with dd in my household. That is the issue I need help with. Having a pity party for ddil isn't going to help dd one bit. I'd like to ask posters here to quit mixing the two issues up. Pity for ddil and helping my dd are two different issues. One has nothing to do with the other. My dd is the problem I'm trying to deal with. No amount of pity for ddil will help her.

Yes, I'm angry that a, supposed, adult chose to keep my kids there in case she needed them with no regard to what that might do to them instead of calling an adult. As a parent, I have every right to be. I'll never say a word to her. Just dss because my girls will never babysit again for them and I want him to make sure she never asks. I'm sure there are plenty of teens in her neighborhood whose parents would be thrilled if she kept them in case she needed assistance with a miscarriage in the neighborhood... I don't get why people think I should be ok with this. Would you be ok with it? Would you think it was fine for an adult to decide to keep your teen babysitter after they came home just in case they needed help with a medical emergency after they'd left the hospital AMA? In my world adults dont' involve children in medical emergencies by choice. This was by choice. She could have sent them home.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 10-30-2012 at 07:58 PM..
 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,435,945 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by riaelise View Post
Again, do you think that your DIL did that on purpose? You actually think she used your kids to help her through a traumatic event? It's really a shame that your anger/pissyness is so great that you can't even take a breath and say aloud a woman just lost her child. The "dead fetus" was a baby, not a clump of cells. This entire topic has been totally devoid of any real compassion/sympathy, just you and your kids. Yes, the topic isn't about your DIL but most people will agree that even if she was a beep, she just lost her child.

I'm sorry that your children were privy to this unfortunate event, but the total lack of compassion reflected in this topic is sad and obviously shows the great divide/issues between you and your DIL regardless of whether this happened or not.

I'd hate to think that my mother in law felt that contemptuous about me.
I think she used my kids. They came to stay while she went to the hospital and should have gone home when she came home. Why do YOU think she kept them there instead of sending them home? The only reason I can come up with is in case she needed them which means that yes, she planned for this possibility and that is why they were there. The problem is, she should have had an adult there not my kids.

This thread isn't about ddil. It's about my kids. THAT's the problem I need help with. Why are you trying to make it about ddil? If I wanted help dealing with her situation I'd ask. That's not what I need help with...but thanks for playing...
 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:53 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 6,166,336 times
Reputation: 3579
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Others are one thing. My children are another. It is in the worst of situations that adults are supposed to protect children not use them. She should have sent my kids home when she decided to go home. She needed to call an adult to be there. Not my kids.
Again, what time was it when she got home? I'm guessing it was very late since her kids were already asleep when she left for the hospital. I can see not sending them home in the middle of the night. I also wonder why you think that your DIL knew that the miscarriage was imminent? A miscarriage can take days, even weeks. Why do you think that she knew it would happen that night, with your kids there with her?
 
Old 10-30-2012, 07:55 PM
 
4,267 posts, read 6,166,336 times
Reputation: 3579
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
This thread isn't about ddil. It's about my kids. THAT's the problem I need help with. Why are you trying to make it about ddil? If I wanted help dealing with her situation I'd ask. That's not what I need help with...but thanks for playing...
You are missing the point. Being angry at ddil is hurting the situation, for everyone. Opening your heart and showing compassion and love for your ddil will help your girls get through this. You are the mom, you need to take the lead. Your daughters will follow your lead.
 
Old 10-30-2012, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,435,945 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorthy View Post
Again, what time was it when she got home? I'm guessing it was very late since her kids were already asleep when she left for the hospital. I can see not sending them home in the middle of the night. I also wonder why you think that your DIL knew that the miscarriage was imminent? A miscarriage can take days, even weeks. Why do you think that she knew it would happen that night, with your kids there with her?
I don't think she knew. I think she kept my kids there just in case. Unfortunately, just in case happened. But the reasons she chose to do this to my kids are irrelevent to the issue with dd#2. She isn't dealing with this well at all.

Dd#1 had the car. There was no issue with my kids going home. There was no reason for them to stay other than ddil might need help but they were not the people who should have been staying for that reason. Not kids.

But this is not the issue. The issue is how to help my kids get past this.
 
Old 10-30-2012, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
13,440 posts, read 15,384,782 times
Reputation: 18959
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I think she used my kids. They came to stay while she went to the hospital and should have gone home when she came home. Why do YOU think she kept them there instead of sending them home? The only reason I can come up with is in case she needed them which means that yes, she planned for this possibility and that is why they were there. The problem is, she should have had an adult there not my kids.

This thread isn't about ddil. It's about my kids. THAT's the problem I need help with. Why are you trying to make it about ddil? If I wanted help dealing with her situation I'd ask. That's not what I need help with...but thanks for playing...
I understand that this is an all about me/mine thread...but I'm sorry, the elephant in the room is a woman who has lost her child. It wasn't a first trimester m/c, it was a second trimester miscarriage. Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than losing my child, especially at that juncture when you think that you're safe. I recall the time that I thought I was going to miscarry my eldest daughter, or the time when I was bleeding in my second trimester with my second. I will tell you this: I've never felt so fearful/dizzy/sick (due to the situation) in my life. At that moment, my heart raced and all I thought about was my baby. ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS MY BABY.

As for "if I wanted help......I would ask", you've been on the internet long enough to know that people will give their thoughts regardless of whether you've asked for them or not. I'm just flat out amazed at the total lack of any compassion in your posts...that's my problem, and if that isn't helpful then so be it. As a mother to another mother, how you can be so tender and concerned about one aggrieved party and not the other (who is in a black hole right now) is just....I just don't have a word for it
 
Old 10-30-2012, 08:07 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,118,910 times
Reputation: 27047
immediate counseling, grief loss and trauma...Too much for this age kids, they have no way to process this. Also, your poor DIL...you guys don't take her to the hospital and stay w/ her.??? Everyone needs to be in counseling. So sad.
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