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Old 10-29-2012, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
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How do you deal with kids witnessing a second trimester miscarriage? Ddil asked that we send the girls over to baby sit so she could go to the hospital because she thought she was miscarrying and we sent them over. Then she decided to leavet the hospital (against medical advice) and miscarried at home WITH MY KIDS THERE. I thought my kids were babysitting while she was at the hospital not helping her have a miscarriage. Dd#2 is having nightmares and one of Dd#1's teachers cornered me today to ask what's wrong because her behavior is very off. I'm livid that ddil kept my girls there rather than send them home.


How would you handle this? I just don't think a 17 yo and 14 yo should even have been there. If I'd known she'd chosen to go home and miscarry, I would have told my kids go to home and I would have gone over. IMO, this was no place for kids. Not mine or hers but I don't have a say so in what she does with hers. I should have had a say so in whether or not mine witnessed her having the miscarriage (Dd#2 is having nightmares because ddil was far enough along that an abulance had to be called to take away the dead fetus.). Now I have to deal with the aftermath of something they should not have even witnessed. How do I help my kids get through this?

 
Old 10-29-2012, 04:41 PM
 
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Were they in the room with her?
 
Old 10-29-2012, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spazkat9696 View Post
Were they in the room with her?
Dd#1 was. Ddil yelled for one of them to come help her when she delivered the baby and dd#1 went to help. Dd#2 was too scared and stayed in another room with ddil's children, but she saw the fetus when the ambulance picked it up.

I'm just sick my kids went through this. This should not have happened and I don't know how to help them cope with it. I never expected her to leave the hospital to miscarry at home with my kids and her kids there. I never would have let my kids go over there if I'd thought they were going to be there through the miscarriage. We left them there to stay the night with the kids with plans to come over in the morning and make breakfast for them and wait until their father got home (out of town as usual) because we thought she'd be in the hospital a day or two.

I made a huge parenting mistake here. I left my kids there. I just never thought anyone would do something like this.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 04:52 PM
 
5,563 posts, read 7,640,158 times
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My guess is she was not thinking clearly, and thought if she went home maybe everything would be okay. What does your son say (she's your daughter in law?)? Has she said anything to you about it? I think you may want to see if they can talk to the school counselor about it.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
21,498 posts, read 26,102,510 times
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Let me get this right.

I am assuming "Ddil" is your daughter-in-law.

If so, the baby she lost was, I assume, your grand child.

I have to wonder why you did not go to the hospital with her when she called to say she thought she was having a miscarriage, especially if her husband was not available?

Is there a reason that we are seeing not a hint of sympathy for Ddil? What to you was a "dead fetus" was to her a dead child.

Did you stop to think she may not have been thinking rationally under the circumstances? It sounds as if she had no support at all.

Your daughters are old enough to understand the biology of human reproduction. If the situation was traumatic for them, I suspect they will get over it sooner than the mother who lost her baby.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:04 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spazkat9696 View Post
My guess is she was not thinking clearly, and thought if she went home maybe everything would be okay. What does your son say (she's your daughter in law?)? Has she said anything to you about it? I think you may want to see if they can talk to the school counselor about it.
I haven't spoken to dss about this. He was not home at the time. He flew home the next day and, at first, I thought she had miscarried at the hospital. It didn't come out until the next night when dd#2 couldn't sleep and told us about the ambulance being called to take the baby away that we learend she had decided to come home to miscarry and the girls were there.

You're right. I should let the school counselors know. Dd#2 is visibly shaken. She can't sleep, has nightmares and can't concentrate on her school work. Dd#1 says she's ok but she's not acting like herself to the point one of her teachers asked me what had happened.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzy_q2010 View Post
Let me get this right.

I am assuming "Ddil" is your daughter-in-law.

If so, the baby she lost was, I assume, your grand child.

I have to wonder why you did not go to the hospital with her when she called to say she thought she was having a miscarriage, especially if her husband was not available?

Is there a reason that we are seeing not a hint of sympathy for Ddil? What to you was a "dead fetus" was to her a dead child.

Did you stop to think she may not have been thinking rationally under the circumstances? It sounds as if she had no support at all.

Your daughters are old enough to understand the biology of human reproduction. If the situation was traumatic for them, I suspect they will get over it sooner than the mother who lost her baby.
Because her mother took her to the hospital (how many people are needed to drive one person to the hospital?) Until they checked her out, we didn't know what was happening. She asked that the girls watch the kids so she could go get checked out. We had expected they'd call if anything happened or they needed anything. Unfortunately, what happened is the last thing I expected. I would never have sent my kids over there if I'd known how it would play out. It was not their place to be there. They're kids.

Right now, I'm dealing with what my kids are going through. They're kids. They shouldn't be going through this but they are and I don't know how to help them get over something they never should have seen in the first place. That's what I'm asking for help with. The thread isn't about ddil. It's about helping my kids get through this. They should have been sent home but weren't. Now we have to deal with them witnessing something they should not have.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:19 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,404,892 times
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So many things wrong with this whole thing. Where did your Ddil's mother go? I second talking to the girl's guidance counselor as well as their doctor, who may be able to guide you through talking to them or recommend a therapist for them to see for a while to deal with the issue.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,246 posts, read 1,713,634 times
Reputation: 2486
If your ddil does not have better sense then this maybe you should not allow your girls over there anymore unless you are there too. Your ddil sounds like she has some serious problems. I'm sorry that your daughters had to go through something like that.
 
Old 10-29-2012, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by beth98 View Post
So many things wrong with this whole thing. Where did your Ddil's mother go? I second talking to the girl's guidance counselor as well as their doctor, who may be able to guide you through talking to them or recommend a therapist for them to see for a while to deal with the issue.
She asked dd#1 if she was going to stay in case ddil needed help then left.

I think you're right. My kids need more than I can give them right now. I don't even know where to begin. I just know my kids are hurting.
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