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The man made the wrong decision. His daughters are not children. He should have told them at some point about why he and their mother was divorced. They deserved to have a nuanced and complicated view of thier mother and father. Thier mother probably had her reasons for cheating. While they don't make her behavior excusable, they probably show that she's not a monster either .. just a woman in an unsatisfying relationship.
I recommend you tell these women about thier dead parents. They deserve to know and make their own minds about them.
I don't know if he made a wrong decision, to be honest. When she was alive, disclosing this information would have ignited an ugly civil war; after she died, it would have seemed spiteful and opportunistic. In any case I can't tell them, as my information is 2nd hand (my mother) and it just isn't my place.
Who cares, what happened in the past between parents is their business and not their children's business. They would not believe him anyway if he told them she cheated on him so why bother to bring it up. The children need to tend to their own lives and stay out of their parents past.
I'm sure your stepfather was a good person, but he didn't do his daughters any favors by "protecting" them. They deserved to know the truth about their mother and their grandfather. By hiding those facts, your stepfather denied them an open and honest relationship with HIM.
You make a very good point, and that's probably one source of their resentment. I'm sure he was anxious not to put his daughters through any more misery by disrupting their relationship with their mother, or eroding their affection for her. The politics of the family at the time probably made such disclosures prudentially impossible.
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Originally Posted by JrzDefector
And how could he let his daughters develop a close relationship with a man who molested HIM?
That's an interesting question. I think sexual abuse by a parent or parent-figure must wreak tremendous havoc on the ability of victims to make clear judgments when it comes to family relationships. (I should clarify that this man was raised and abused by his step-father, not his biological father, who died young.) My mother recently asked me if I ever wondered why us kids were never allowed to be alone at Grandpa's house, so I suspect that the girls were never allowed to become that close to him.
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Originally Posted by JrzDefector
End result, they worship a dead child molestor and believe their mother to be a saint. I feel kind of sorry for them - so much of their lives are built on lies.
That about sums it up. And it's tragic.
But here's the thing. Mature people need to understand that they don't have all the facts about their parents, and they don't necessarily have a right to all the facts about their parents. It's a broken world, and the secrets of broken people will sometimes be taken to their graves. But these daughters do have an obligation to give a parent who clearly loved them and lived for them the benefit of the doubt.
Last edited by WesternPilgrim; 10-30-2012 at 12:43 PM..
I happen to know three adult sisters, in their 40s and 50s, who are angry at their father for his divorce. This good man (my step-father) died 2-1/2 years ago. What these sisters don't know, and will never know, are the facts about their mother's infidelity. The father has protected his daughters for all of these years from this knowledge, even after her death, in order not to turn them against their own mother, in spite of her calumnies against him.
Furthermore, these sisters adored their now departed grandfather (by marriage), but are unaware that he sexually abused their own father.
Dear bitter, angry, adult children: consider the possibility that you don't actually know much about the struggles, the burdens, or the secrets of your parents. Many good parents will protect you from their own secret pain. Lose the rage and resentment.
To whom exactly is this post directed? You make a good point, but it might be better received if it was posted in response to someone who is struggling, rather than broadcast to the masses, most of whom have no issues with their parents.
To whom exactly is this post directed? You make a good point, but it might be better received if it was posted in response to someone who is struggling, rather than broadcast to the masses, most of whom have no issues with their parents.
I think lots of people have issues with their parents. I suppose I'm saying to "the masses" what I'd like to say to my step-sisters, but can't, and hoping there are others reading who might benefit from the message.
I think the person who should have told your step sisters the reasons why their parents divorced would have been their mother. They would not have believed their father, thinking he was being vindictive. They may have been shocked learning this from their mother, but could have also confirmed it with their father. Actually, I'm surprised that they did not suspicion this or even know.
At this point, I see no real purpose to tell them of their mother's alleged infidelity. OP, you don't really know the full story. All of the parties that did are now deceased. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.
All sad stories of family dysfunction aside, whatever things my parents chose not to tell me are either none of my business or not in my best interest to know. End of story.
At this point, I see no real purpose to tell them of their mother's alleged infidelity. OP, you don't really know the full story. All of the parties that did are now deceased. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.
A few years ago, we found a box of pictures of our grandpa in the 1920s. He was the sweetest guy, always loved everyone. Always doing things for other people. Really jolly and non-judgemental. His response to everything was to laugh. Nothing offended him or stressed himout and he did not offend anyone. He was the kind of guy everyone loves.
The pictures are of him attending a KKK rally.
I dot think Mom even knew about that or the pictures. Can't ask her or him now. It seems so unlike him.
Attending a rally means nothing. He could have been curious. If he was hooded and robed it may still not mean too much. In many areas, and not just the south, you had to be a member for political or employment reasons. In the 1920's the klan was huge. About 6 million members. In some areas everyone belonged. It meant different things then.
Dear bitter, angry, adult children: consider the possibility that you don't actually know much about the struggles, the burdens, or the secrets of your parents. Many good parents will protect you from their own secret pain. Lose the rage and resentment.
That is the fault of the parent, not the child. And often the child does know far more than the parent ever thinks they do. It was their father's choice to "protect" his ex-wife by letting his daughters resent him instead. The daughters have the right to form their world view based on what they know, and their view is valid.
I come at this from my own view where my father was unfaithful and hid it from us. He always assumed his children never knew; yet we figured it out before our mother did. And then he tried to protect our mother by hiding her faults. That only made her faults worse, and, again, we were well aware of what was going on with her too. Fact was, he thought our attitudes toward him had been formed by the divorce. They weren't. They were formed by his relationship with us, and our knowledge that he was lying and concealing from us.
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