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Old 11-12-2012, 07:15 PM
 
1,735 posts, read 2,613,903 times
Reputation: 2013

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Hello.
My whole life (26 years) I have had an over protective mother when it comes to my romantic relationships. I've always gotten the vibe of "why does she really like my son?" As if I am a big push over, or throwing away cash buying ladies things, giving them rides or the like while they are doing things behind my back like cheating; and here I am just so blind to this. I can understand if this has happened to me before and she doesn't want me to "fall into that trap again", but this can be the furthest from the truth! Honestly, I am a great catch and the girls I have dated have seen that (obviously, problems arose and we broke up, but it was always on good terms). It always takes time for my mom to warm up to the girlfriends (I currently have had three semi-serious relationships). I currently live 600 miles away from home and left the nest about a year ago. I am an only child, so perhaps her feelings are normal (?).

I have plans to bring my girlfriend home to meet my family and to see where I grow up in the next few days. Something has come up on her end with school, and she may not be able to come up. I know this will spark a snowball of confusion and questions from my mom "Does she really have school or did she not want to come? Does she have another boyfriend? Do you think she will cheat on you while you're here?" etc, etc. Obviously, my gf is very sweet and none of that would happen, but I can just "see" those questions being brought up if I do have to make the trip by myself (I have other things to do @ home, so it was the soul purpose to have her meet the family, although it was an added bonus).

It's so bad, that last week my gf had a conference for school and had to leave town. She went with one of her classmates, who happens to be a guy. I felt it would be best not to tell my mother any of this, because I know, again, the questions would arise and my mom would wonder if yet I have been cheated on by her with this guy, or if maybe she lied about the conference and went off with this guy leaving me clueless. Furthest from the truth.

How do I handle this with my mom? Its been going on for years and I've tried to reassure her that all my my gfs like me for me, and there has never been any "hidden agenda", but she always says "I want you to be happy and not get hurt", with a tone of voice as if all the bad things I mentioned above are very certain to happen.

Thanks!
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:35 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,875,631 times
Reputation: 25100
My mom was like that about my husband, for the first six or seven years of our marriage. If he worked nights, she insisted he must be out cheating. If he had to work a double, he must have "gotten off at the regular time and then went out to cheat." If he started wearing cologne, it must be a new girlfriend he was trying to appeal to. And so on and so on.

In my case, there were two reasons that my mom was doing it. First, she thought my husband was way too attractive to be with me. Second, she had been cheated on by my dad a couple of years before, and she was very suspicious of men and also suspicious of happy marriages. I don't have any guess what your mom's reasons are, but there's a very good chance that her own insecurities or fears are playing a part in what she's worrying about for you.

Will she ever get over it? Maybe, maybe not. You shouldn't ever tell any of your girlfriends that she does this, and you shouldn't let what she says get to you and start suspecting things about your girlfriends...if that's possible.

Good luck. It's a stressful thing but being 600 miles away from her should help a bit.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:09 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,782,209 times
Reputation: 33905
If you aren't living at home, then your mother will only know what you choose to share with her. It sounds as though you are confiding in her a little too much. Why would she need to know anything about your gf's business trip?

If I were you, I'd keep the chats to topics such as work, weather, etc, until you consider your relationship to be serious.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:42 PM
 
1,735 posts, read 2,613,903 times
Reputation: 2013
She doesn't need to know anything. It was just "what's up", I was obviously dropping my gf off at the airport. Was I suppose to say "I'm sitting on the couch" with clearly airport noise in the background? I guess I shouldn't just picked up the phone.
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Old 11-12-2012, 11:12 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
5,944 posts, read 6,378,467 times
Reputation: 3018
Simply stop telling her so much. She doesn't need to know your business.
I am three years younger than you and the less I tell my mom the better, sounds like you should try the whole less is more idea and stop giving her a play by play of your life.

At our ages parents don't need to know anything, absolutely nothing, they go crazy once we're 18 and don't even stop, they try to control and get even more involved.

Stop telling her stuff and just live your life.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:19 AM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 2,350,113 times
Reputation: 2051
It sounds like your mom still sees you as her little boy. That is very common. She is trying to take charge because that's what moms do with their little boys. The only way this will stop is when she is convinced that you have it under control. YOu need to be a bit more forceful when you are talking to her. I am not saying to be disrespectful. You just need to sound like you are in charge. When people use a confident voice, people listen more. She will also worry a bit less if you seem to be more in control.

In a strong confident voice (preferably in person) say something to the effect of "Mom. I appreciate your concern. However, I trust my girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you could start to trust my judgment."

If that doesn't help, you need to (again in a confident manner) tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. She will be a bit hurt at first, but then will begin respecting you as an adult.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:51 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,608,566 times
Reputation: 46993
sounds like you are seeking approval from your Mom- it never ends but maybe you are sharing too much which gives her reason to think she has a right to offer an opinion. My grown son and I share a great deal and I think it has lasted as long as it has because i hold my tongue most of the time. if, after mulling it over I think I need to say something he knows it must be really important and he will consider what I say.
keep your private life a bit more private and don't be so quick to take somebody home. that should be reserved for engagement or damn near close-not just a gf. the more girls you introduce to your family the more ammunition you give them to wonder why this one didn't work out.
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Penna
723 posts, read 962,487 times
Reputation: 1232
Keep your privet life out of her hearing. She doesn't need to ask certain questions and you should not answer her. Trust me, after 22 years of marriage I have had to stop talking to my mother-in-law altogeter because I always tried to be honest and polite, but I could not draw the lines with her. If you start out like this it will harder to correct it down the road.
Goodluck
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Old 11-13-2012, 05:39 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,246 posts, read 1,712,600 times
Reputation: 2486
You need to cut the cord with her now, or it will cause problems once you get serious enough about someone to want to marry them. I agree with the other posters who said that she only knows what you tell her. You should work on being more independent from her.
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Old 11-13-2012, 06:09 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
1,039 posts, read 1,292,463 times
Reputation: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by num1baby View Post
It sounds like your mom still sees you as her little boy. That is very common. She is trying to take charge because that's what moms do with their little boys. The only way this will stop is when she is convinced that you have it under control. YOu need to be a bit more forceful when you are talking to her. I am not saying to be disrespectful. You just need to sound like you are in charge. When people use a confident voice, people listen more. She will also worry a bit less if you seem to be more in control.

In a strong confident voice (preferably in person) say something to the effect of "Mom. I appreciate your concern. However, I trust my girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you could start to trust my judgment."

If that doesn't help, you need to (again in a confident manner) tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. She will be a bit hurt at first, but then will begin respecting you as an adult.
There is a difference between a parent still seeing you as a child and being a little bossy and a parent just being paranoid and projecting their crazy way of thinking on their kids. Kids like you need to grow some balls (I'm being frank here so excuse me) and stop telling your mother so much. If you have to, distance yourself a little until she learns to do some self reflecting. Otherwise you're enabling her. Call her out on it and do you kid!
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