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Old 01-11-2013, 06:08 PM
 
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Given the issues I have been experiencing with my 12 yr old being somewhat involved with a boy and no female friends, My wife is considering searching her room to find out more about her personal life. I was wondering if anyone else has taken this approach to finding out more about who their kids are hanging out with and if they are engaging in any illicit behavior. Yesterday, my wife picked up her diary and was upset that she had never written anything in it and now wants to search her room. I think she is concerned that our daughter doesn't communicate to us enough and now she is looking to get more information out of her, which isn't always easy. My wife also expressed that she recently found out that our daughter did not tell her important things that she was doing (apparently when she started shaving her legs, she never said anything to her mother) this, and having this "boyfriend" around is beginning to make us feel like she is growing up way too fast.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Denver area
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What have you done to foster communication? I don't know how at 12 you don't know her friends and activities and feel you need to search her room to get to kniw your daughter. I have no issue with the concept of room searches if a parent has a reason to not trust the child. Searching the room forno real reason doesn't bode well for the future IMO. Why not just get to know her and her friends?
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Space Coast
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If she searches her room and finds something she doesn't approve of, what will she do? If she confronts your daughter, then it might do more harm than good because your daughter will likely just get more adept at hiding things. It might be better to foster more communication instead.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
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Not knowing who a 12 year-old hangs out with is worrying. How does that happen?

The fact that your wife was going to read your daughter's diary isn't cool with me, I think that is very intrusive. I'm guessing there's a reason your daughter isn't sharing aspects of her life with you.

Does your daughter clean her own room? What do you think she is hiding in there?
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
What have you done to foster communication? I don't know how at 12 you don't know her friends and activities and feel you need to search her room to get to kniw your daughter. I have no issue with the concept of room searches if a parent has a reason to not trust the child. Searching the room forno real reason doesn't bode well for the future IMO. Why not just get to know her and her friends?
We never had a reason to ask her about her personal life before because she only recently developed an outside life. Previous to this, she would just read quietly in her room.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Denver area
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Originally Posted by GoodSchoolols View Post
We never had a reason to ask her about her personal life before because she only recently developed an outside life. Previous to this, she would just read quietly in her room.
You never had reason to ask her about her personal life before? Huh? How about you don't have to ask - you know because you are involved with her and converse with her because she is a person. One you are supposed to be interested in. I don't understand this situation at all. You have a child, not a goldfish.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:37 PM
 
1,644 posts, read 1,974,858 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
You never had reason to ask her about her personal life before? Huh? How about you don't have to ask - you know because you are involved with her and converse with her because she is a person. One you are supposed to be interested in. I don't understand this situation at all. You have a child, not a goldfish.
I think you are misunderstanding. We do talk to her, she enjoys reading and her alone time in her room, we always thought it was best to let her be. I do not see what we are doing that is so wrong?
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:40 PM
 
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Search it... 6th gr and 7th gr is when a lot of kids start experimenting with drugs, from weed to cough syrup to saliva and spice. And many do it just out of sheer peer pressure. Also, i hate to say, but having grown up listening to Dr. Drew in SoCal, you need to sit down and have a long talk with her about S-E-X. Girls who're isolated & don't have a secure sense of self get talked into performing & pleasing their supposed "boyfriends" all the time at an increasing younger age.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:56 PM
 
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There is a time to search a kid's room. But I don't think you are there yet. She hasn't really given you an indication that she is doing anything wrong so what exactly are you expecting to find?
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:06 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
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My mom went through my stuff, read my diary and notes to friends and then tried to grill me about the stuff she found in a way that did not implicate her for snooping. I eventually saw through it, but it was the worst. It only made me feel unworthy and completely incapable of trusting my own decisions. It made me look for ways to hide stuff to protect my privacy, which tweens are entitled to, and basically became a self- fulfilling prophecy.

It was the worst possible thing she could have done, and we have trust problems to this day.

Searching is warranted when you think your daughter is doing something harmful. The stuff she has done is normal; you just aren't ready for it.

Tweens often are not communicative. It doesn't mean she is doing something TO HIDE. The best thing you could do would be to show that YOU care and that you want to know her.


Drag her along on an errand. Include her in more stuff. In my experience kids are more talkative when you are engaged in an activity (like grocery shopping or driving or washing the car) Don't let her default activity always be alone.
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