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Old 01-29-2013, 06:42 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
Now for an update. I had a talk with my daughter. To make a long story short she feels that I would be "disappointed" if she were gay. I asked her why she feels that way and she says its because "That's the way you are." I asked for a little clarification, and what I understood her to say was that everytime I came down on my son (featured in NUMEROUS other posts) she felt badly about it. According to her all I did was highlight the negative and I stopped her and asked her outright why would I do such a thing. After about a half dozen things she herself rattled off (including being fired by my wife from his last job) I told her he should be a lesson on what not to do. She then said she felt bad because I said she is more responsible than he is. I then asked her who would have to step up and take care of her if something happened to her mother or myself, and by her own admission she admitted her brother would probably not be able to. I told her I would do my best to not criticize him in front of her, and I told her I just wanted both her and her brother to do better for themselves, and no matter what she decides to do, or who she wants to be with I would not love her any less.
Great job.

Now if you could just stop heaping on personal criticism, which only motivates people out of guilt, and not make their mistakes into character flaws, you'll be on your way.
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Old 01-29-2013, 06:57 PM
 
32,516 posts, read 37,088,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
Now for an update. I had a talk with my daughter.
Good job.

Communication is a key to growth and understanding.
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,535,563 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
Now for an update. I had a talk with my daughter. To make a long story short she feels that I would be "disappointed" if she were gay. I asked her why she feels that way and she says its because "That's the way you are."
Good for you, well done! I would tread very carefully, sounds like your daughter is trying very hard to tell you something. Talk some more, and make sure you listen.

Last edited by Marka; 02-02-2013 at 01:45 AM..
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:59 PM
 
458 posts, read 610,249 times
Reputation: 828
Oh Boy,

I haven't read all of the responses but enough to know that I'm not the first to agree that "stupid" wasn't the wisest choice of words to use. And also if that word has been used towards your wife or daughter directly, but I have not read that as being the case.

That being said, as a wife and a woman I get the "moment" your wife had while watching the movie. I've had similar "moments" but don't agree with the timing especially if such a discussion has never happened before. Was there not an understanding/conversation about the parents' view concerning this topic before that evening? What would cause the daughter to believe that dad would not speak to her? Perhaps these questions were already answered......

Anywhoo, I have no problem with the fathers answer. It was his honest answer. Did he say it in anger, did he storm out the room, call gays defamatory names, belittle anyone or otherwise do anything that would cause the child to feel "unloved" with the answer he gave? IMO, if his daughter feels "unloved" it would be due to other behaviors that occurred well before that night, if his answer was as simple as he described. My children and I have talked about this issue and they are clear about what their father and I believe. If what we believe and they decide ever contradicts, I'm not going to change what I believe in an effort to be politically correct or convince them that they are loved--which should be ever apparent as they live their lives. This, as it concerns their life partner, or any other life choices that I don't agree with!
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:06 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,099,791 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth View Post
Oh Boy,

I haven't read all of the responses but enough to know that I'm not the first to agree that "stupid" wasn't the wisest choice of words to use. And also if that word has been used towards your wife or daughter directly, but I have not read that as being the case.

That being said, as a wife and a woman I get the "moment" your wife had while watching the movie. I've had similar "moments" but don't agree with the timing especially if such a discussion has never happened before. Was there not an understanding/conversation about the parents' view concerning this topic before that evening? What would cause the daughter to believe that dad would not speak to her? Perhaps these questions were already answered......

Anywhoo, I have no problem with the fathers answer. It was his honest answer. Did he say it in anger, did he storm out the room, call gays defamatory names, belittle anyone or otherwise do anything that would cause the child to feel "unloved" with the answer he gave? IMO, if his daughter feels "unloved" it would be due to other behaviors that occurred well before that night, if his answer was as simple as he described. My children and I have talked about this issue and they are clear about what their father and I believe. If what we believe and they decide ever contradicts, I'm not going to change what I believe in an effort to be politically correct or convince them that they are loved--which should be ever apparent as they live their lives. This, as it concerns their life partner, or any other life choices that I don't agree with!
yes, obviously, which is the problem. What must this dad have said to make her feel that way?

You've missed the point completely. No one would want you to do anything just for the sake of being politically correct. I would hope that a parent would love and support their child regardless of their sexual orientation, as it is something that can't be changed. I don't think you can love and support a child while simultaneously feeling that they are immoral, and have somehow chosen to be attracted to people of the same sex.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:14 PM
 
458 posts, read 610,249 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
yes, obviously, which is the problem. What must this dad have said to make her feel that way?

You've missed the point completely. No one would want you to do anything just for the sake of being politically correct. I would hope that a parent would love and support their child regardless of their sexual orientation, as it is something that can't be changed. I don't think you can love and support a child while simultaneously feeling that they are immoral, and have somehow chosen to be attracted to people of the same sex.


I've not missed a point! I made one! Just as others have done in this thread
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:53 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tell-the-Truth View Post

I haven't read all of the responses
^^^This.
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Old 01-29-2013, 09:20 PM
 
458 posts, read 610,249 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
^^^This.
I have since.....

what did I miss? lol
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:26 AM
 
Location: galaxy far far away
3,110 posts, read 5,372,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
Well to answer the first question I don't have questions about people accepting their gay children as I don't believe that to be my issue. I posed the question here because it involved my daughter. Therefore I guess I would have to agree with you and that this is more of a relationship question although I do fail to see where I'm belittling my wife to strangers.
Oh dear. This is a classic. You are literal, analytical, organized, single focused, probably an introvert and more brain centered. She is intuitive, connect the dots, keeper of the relationship, probably an extravert and more heart centered. I've only read a few of your descriptions so I'm not positive about that... , but I would like to recommend two books that will help. One is called Please Understand Me II, by David Kiersey. The second book is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I don't sell those books, but I've used them to teach classes before. The first one is based loosely on the Myers Briggs Type indicatorâ„¢, which has a huge body of data to support it's theories. The second one covers the different ways people express their love for each other. One may crave lots of attention and needs to hear "I love you" on a daily basis, and the other may think, "Hey, I changed the oil in her car, she should know I love her."

In reality that conversation wasn't really about your daughter or a "stupid" question. It was your wife asking you if you love HER unconditionally no matter what. She was watching the movie (that you had already labeled stupid) and something triggered her need to hear, "Honey, I will always love you no matter what."

I know I know. It all seems insane. Why can't we all just say what we mean and mean what we say? But in real life, a lot of people actually don't KNOW their hidden questions or hidden agendas. So these coded conversations take place.

If you love your daughter and your wife, take some time to read the books. They are both a quick read. As a matter of fact, get your wife involved in it. It helps if you are on the same page. My SO has heard so much about these theories he will just say, "Oh, is that one of those analytical things you do?" And we just laugh it off. He used to get so angry with me because of the way my brain is always going a million miles an hour. Now he gets it. It's my hardwiring. No biggie. Not about him. It's my computer programming. If you can get to a place where neither one of you feels attacked when the other person is just expressing their own internal programming, your marriage can last a very long time.

Not enough room to give all the info about it, and it isn't a weapon to use or an excuse for bad behavior. But you can really take your relationship in exciting new directions if you understand this.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:43 AM
 
16,488 posts, read 24,437,936 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440 View Post
This past Sunday as we were eating dinner my wife wanted to watch a stupid Lifetime movie. I was already watching an interesting show on Netflix about migrating birds, but I took it that more entertaining (and educational) viewing was in order. The movie was about this deeply religious woman who was up for this "Woman of the Year" award in her church. I believe the church was Catholic. Anyway the church officials wanted to meet the woman's family which consisted of her husband who was a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), her son who just left his wife and children, and her daughter who was a lesbian, 5 months pregnant, and was planning to marry her girlfriend. During the movie my wife asks my 15 year old daughter "Would you think I would love you less if you told me you are gay?" My daughter answered no. Then she asks "What about your father?" She said "Dad would never talk to me again." My wife then says to me "Did you hear what your daughter just said?" I replied "Yes." She then asked "Well how do you respond to what she just said?" I stated that it was not a real situation, and that I would find her telling me she is gay hard to deal with. And with that (honest) answer she is upset with me because I didn't give the standard "I will love you no matter what" answer. I once again reminded her that her question is hypothetical, and its not like I said I would disown her, but that did not seem to matter. Why do (some) women ruin a perfectly good evening at home over what if questions?
Sounds like a no win situation, kind of like if your wife said "if I die will you remarry?"
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