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Sorry I didn't read every response (made it through page 4 and pages 9-11). I think what the OP is talking about is stranger advice. I think this is just plain rude. If your children are physically touching me, my belongings, screaming obscenities, or acting in a violent way, I would probably say something (or run away like mad!). Otherwise, I would stay out of it. I may roll my eyes at my husband or mutter under my breath for your kid to shut up, but I would never approach a stranger unless driven by necessity. It's the same with anything. Hideous outfits or sagging blue jeans. Bumper stickers or weird t-shirts. I think it's rude to confront strangers over these things.
I will, however, (even as a non-parent) offer up compliments or encouragement to strangers. I was working at a clothing store years ago, and this elementary-aged child was acting so, so horribly - throwing clothes, screaming at her mom, etc. Mom calmingly took the girl's hand and left the store for some period of time and came back and made her daughter clean up. I thanked her and told her she was doing a good job as a parent. As a member of the general public and especially as an employee, I appreciated that the mom made her daughter take responsibility for her actions.
Another example is my husband's cousin. She's desperately trying to raise her children to be bilingual, but she's always on the verge of giving up because the youngest just will not speak anything but English. I continuously tell her what a great job she's doing and how much she is helping her kids.
Childfree people do have a perspective that I don't think should be dismissed outright because they haven't birthed or reared a child. As a previous poster said, we all have been children. I think even a seven year old might have some good advice about helping a four year old. Why not?
However, I think it's rude for any stranger to give advice unsolicited - whether they are a parent or not.
I once went to a baby shower where people were asked to give one comment of advice. One grandmother in the room said, "Don't ever say MY son/daughter will NEVER do that." This greatly amused me. This points to one of the biggest differences I have found between some people I know who are not parents and some of my friends/relatives who are parents.
Some people I know who are not parents generally make comments suggesting you have more control than you really do, and sometimes come off with a condescending tone--"I can't believe you allow your child to do that?- or- I can't believe you don't do such and such for your child?" They don't realize that while you can do many things as a parent, children do have minds of their own, and you cannot control or do everything.
I have found this trend can be particularly bad if you have a child with any sort of problem. This can cause the same issue to arise with parents who don't understand what it is like to deal with issues their children did not face.
For example, I have been researching epilepsy because of one of child's health issues. During my reading, I have been saddened by the number of parents who have run into problems with other adults making comments when epileptic children are having problems with the side effects of an anti-seizure medicine. One mom was particularly distressed when her tween son started to unknowingly do strange things in public when he started his anti-seizure meds. She faced negative comments from strangers in public about "controlling her son." Sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to really understand the challenges other people may face.
Not higher than the private schools I'd consider sending my kids to.
You have no idea if that is true or not.
One of the better prep schools in this country, Lawrenceville School, in NJ, does NOT have a staff with higher standards than the public district I work for. Just looking at their science department page, we have a percentage of PhDs (not EdDs) and a larger number of IL grads.
For example, I have been researching epilepsy because of one of child's health issues. During my reading, I have been saddened by the number of parents who have run into problems with other adults making comments when epileptic children are having problems with the side effects of an anti-seizure medicine. One mom was particularly distressed when her tween son started to unknowingly do strange things in public when he started his anti-seizure meds. She faced negative comments from strangers in public about "controlling her son." Sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to really understand the challenges other people may face.
Soooo true, Eller.
I mentioned a few scenarios from when I waited on tables (before I had kids). I omitted one because, frankly, I'm ashamed of my behavior. One particular family used to come into the restaurant. The teenage daughter was disabled. I'm not sure what particular ailment she had, but it was physical and mental. She moaned and wailed. She couldn't order for herself, but her parents tried to prompt her. She spilled drinks and was messy. I groaned when I had to wait on them and though I wasn't rude to them, I could have been a lot more patient. ::Sigh::
Cut to now...My nephew is challenged mentally. Although most of the time, no one would ever know that something's wrong, he does have outbursts when he's anxious or stressed. People give condescending stares. It's awkward and frustrating.
It's so easy to judge others. I try not to anymore.
So you have a resistance/bias towards advice being given by those you deem inexperienced. That doesn't mean the advice is bad -- it just means you are not too willing to hear it/accept it.
Au contraire...We listened to the educated/inexperienced. But our ears really perked up when the recovering addict/alcoholic councelors and doctors spoke to us.
If the inexperienced counselors had lied about being experienced, I bet their ears would have perked up then too. That's what having a bias means.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellar
For example, I have been researching epilepsy because of one of child's health issues. During my reading, I have been saddened by the number of parents who have run into problems with other adults making comments when epileptic children are having problems with the side effects of an anti-seizure medicine. One mom was particularly distressed when her tween son started to unknowingly do strange things in public when he started his anti-seizure meds. She faced negative comments from strangers in public about "controlling her son." Sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to really understand the challenges other people may face.
So you have to be a parent in order to have empathy for people, or consider that there might be something unseen that is causing the child to behave a certain way?
So you have to be a parent in order to have empathy for people, or consider that there might be something unseen that is causing the child to behave a certain way?
So you have to be a parent in order to have empathy for people, or consider that there might be something unseen that is causing the child to behave a certain way?
That's not what she said. Even a lot of parents who haven't had experience with a special needs child don't know, can't tell, and don't stop to think that a "misbehaving" child might have an issue that can't be fixed with discipline or the "common sense" that another poster mentioned earlier.
It is obvious from the posts in this thread and others, especially from the non-parents, that there is very little empathy and understanding out there.
That's not what she said. Even a lot of parents who haven't had experience with a special needs child don't know, can't tell, and don't stop to think that a "misbehaving" child might have an issue that can't be fixed with discipline or the "common sense" that another poster mentioned earlier.
Exactly. But that is my point, really. There are also many non-parents who could recognize that.
That's not what she said. Even a lot of parents who haven't had experience with a special needs child don't know, can't tell, and don't stop to think that a "misbehaving" child might have an issue that can't be fixed with discipline or the "common sense" that another poster mentioned earlier.
It is obvious from the posts in this thread and others, especially from the non-parents, that there is very little empathy and understanding out there.
The lack of empathy comes from those parents who believe they are entitled to take disruptive children into places that they will affect the enjoyment of many people. Not a person here would complain about a loud, disruptive child in a McDonald's. We expect it. There is, however, a reasonable expectation that you will not bring a child with a significant emotional-behavioral disability or chronically disruptive behavior into a theater, to church services, on a 10 hour plane flight for a family vacation, to a nice restaurant and so on. It's rude and I recall a time when more parents seemed to be cognizant of the fact that subjecting untold numbers of strangers to it was an inconsiderate thing to do.
And, again, the assumptions. No, quite a few of us have experience with children with special needs, particularly kids with EBDs. Actually, in this case, I think my experience probably makes me more sensitive to the fact that this entitlement mindset is especially rude to others who have reasonable expectations as to what their experiences should be in those contexts. Being able to listen to a church service or watch a movie in a theater without having a child throwing a perpetual tantrum is a reasonable expectation. Everyone else should not have to adjust to the parent's needs in those contexts, the parent needs to adjust. In short: Make preparations to be able to leave with your child so others can enjoy their experiences or do not bring your challenging child.
The lack of empathy comes from those parents who believe they are entitled to take disruptive children into places that they will affect the enjoyment of many people. Not a person here would complain about a loud, disruptive child in a McDonald's. We expect it. There is, however, a reasonable expectation that you will not bring a child with a significant emotional-behavioral disability or chronically disruptive behavior into a theater, to church services, on a 10 hour plane flight for a family vacation, to a nice restaurant and so on. It's rude and I recall a time when more parents seemed to be cognizant of the fact that subjecting untold numbers of strangers to it was an inconsiderate thing to do.
And, again, the assumptions. No, quite a few of us have experience with children with special needs, particularly kids with EBDs. Actually, in this case, I think my experience probably makes me more sensitive to the fact that this entitlement mindset is especially rude to others who have reasonable expectations as to what their experiences should be in those contexts. Being able to listen to a church service or watch a movie in a theater without having a child throwing a perpetual tantrum is a reasonable expectation. Everyone else should not have to adjust to the parent's needs in those contexts, the parent needs to adjust. In short: Make preparations to be able to leave with your child so others can enjoy their experiences or do not bring your challenging child.
There are already 2 threads open that discuss this in great length. Been there, done that, not doing it again. This thread is not about disruptive children. It is about non-parents who think they have a clue, and think it is their place to give advice.
And, BTW, a parent of a "disruptive" special needs child has every bit as much of a right to be in a pubic place as you do.
So you have to be a parent in order to have empathy for people, or consider that there might be something unseen that is causing the child to behave a certain way?
In the sentence before I gave my example, I said parents who do not have children with special needs sometimes do not understand other parents who are facing these issues. There can be an assumption that if they raised children without such issues than you should be able to do that as well. In general, as I stated, sometimes you cannot really understand something until you walk in someone else's shoes. This can be a problem both with people who are parents and those who are not.
This can extend to general parenting issues. I can honestly say some things I said and thought about parenting before I was a parent were dumb and naive, but I thought I was SO smart. Once I walked in the shoes of a parent, my thoughts definitely changed. It really can be hard to relate to all the issues that come with such a role if you have not been in that role. I know that was very true for me, and I know it is certainly true for others. I have read some advice posts from non-parents in this thread that have honestly made me smile because they reminded me of myself so many years ago before my life with kids.
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There are already 2 threads open that discuss this in great length. Been there, done that, not doing it again. This thread is not about disruptive children. It is about non-parents who think they have a clue, and think it is their place to give advice.
