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I told her before we were married. That there was a possibility this might happen one day. But since there was no willingness on the part of the ex to do a test or zero contact--though I had the same address 18 years after the relationship went south--I could not understand why the ex would keep the girl from me unless she had doubts as to who the father really was and a test would prove that? Why else would she with hold any and all contact?
Why can you not just meet the girl for dinner and see what she's like?
She doesn't want to meet. She just wants to talk about how wonderful her mother is and what a great life she is living--more to convincer herself than anyone else?
Just ask the daughter to do Dna testing.
Will solve everything.
I'm assuming the name under Father on the Bc is blank?
Name line has a NAME. The guy the ex was involved in and went back to 2-3 times throughout our relationship. The girl's name is one he would have wanted if he ever had another child.
My brother denied being the parent to a young girl.
18 years later this young girl finds out she has a older sister by a different mother. The two girls met and they are darn near twins.
My brother could not deny his being the father to her.
Unfortunately I have no reference point for comparison.
The tone of your posts suggests that you already know what you want and came here looking for people to support the decision you already made.
And your responses also make me think that if DNA testing did reveal that she is your child you would still resent a relationship with her. Basically, it sounds like she may represent a period of your life that you wish was over for good.
I can't tell you what to do because we defintitely have different feelings towards these things. If it were me I would have jumped when the child contacted me and had a test scheduled ASAP. I would have expressed thoughts and emotions of happiness and wondering about their life. Again this is just from the tones of your replies, I do not know you, but it sounds like you were reserved and possibly hostile when she contacted you. Remember she is still basically a child and this is a HUGE thing for her, she thinks she's contact Dad.
Honestly, I think it'd be better for her if you just said I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in a relationship. Easier on her emotionally than stringer her along while you try to do "what's right" even as you secretly resent it or want no part in it. She'd sense the resentment and wonder what she did to cause it.
I was actually interested in starting a discussion about people (men) who have had their fchildren with held from them.
I have done extensive research into being a CHILDLESS FATHER. Unfortunately I am not alone in this type of situation.
But when a child shows up and her first words are--
I KNOW MY MOTHER IS THE STRONGEST AND KINDEST WOMAN I KNOW AND NOTHING YOU SAY IS GOING TO INFLUENCE ME OTHERWISE....
And I had not even said anything other than--WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
She has a man she has called dad for 21 years and he is on the birth certificate.
Something about this situation seems suspicious, like there's an agenda on the part of mother and daughter. Idk what or why but alarms are going off in my wee brain. W/out DNA confirmation, I wouldn't extend a hand either. IME, intuition has been correct more often than not.
Then again, some people think I'm paranoid
Best of luck to you w/e the outcome.
-izzy
21 years ago I dated and was engaged to a woman. The engagement lasted 2 months. 6 months after the break up she calls to say she is pregnant but not to worry, she will go on without me.
4 years later she tracks me dwon and shows me a picture of our "daughter"
Then she disappears again for 18 years. 3 days ago I get an email saying the "daughter wants to meet me as she has decided it is time.
WTF?
Ideas or thoughts?
The only thought I have is What took you so long?
EDIT: Just read all 5 pages.
OK, I see some of the rational behind what has happened, and not happened in the last 21 years. You and the Mother were essentially strangers, and she got pregnant. She has sort of dangled the child at you occasionally, without allowing any real connection. I know how hard it is to be involved in the life of a child that you are essentially denied. Another man on the BC, back in the day there would have been little recourse, especially since the Mom didn't want you involved. Those days were not the days of social media we have presently.
Well, most people would be bitter and hurt. I think if you do want to meet this child, you need to get some real advice and put your anger for the mother aside. It didn't help that the daughter made that statement....Move past all of this. The reward will truly be greater than the grief you endured. Best of luck
Last edited by JanND; 02-20-2013 at 04:18 AM..
Reason: edit text
Why not meet the girl and take it from there? This girl may have been told horror stories about you (abandoning her, not admitting fatherhood, etc). Maybe she is just mature enough now to form her own opinion about you. You might be pleasantly surprised that she is a sweet person, or she might be a b/tch, but you'll never know unless you meet her.
I think she might just want to know who her dad is... Perfectly normal IMO.
I read through all of the posts and I'm sorry if anyone asked this already, but did anyone ask the "daughter" if she wants to know who her father is? Assuming the daughter knows there's another name on the birth certificate, what's the agenda here? I think she knows there's a chance that name on the BC may be bogus.
She doesn't want to meet. She just wants to talk about how wonderful her mother is and what a great life she is living--more to convincer herself than anyone else?
Make up your mind. The OP says she wants to meet.
This situation makes no sense. Four years after she had the child she showed you a picture, said it was your daughter and you did nothing. You claim she "disappeared" but if you really were interested in what was best for the child, you would have found her or done everything you could. Instead, you carried on with life as if nothing happened. You said she showed you a picture of the 4 year old and "disappeared." If she disappeared and you had no idea where she was, when did all these threats of having you arrested for stalking take place?
Now you get an email that it's time to meet but it seems you want nothing to do with this stranger. But then you go on to say you want to talk about fathers that have been denied their kids and how you are not alone in that situation. You could have done something about it. You didn't. Then you say she doesn't want to meet after all but just tell you how wonderful her mother is. Your post conjures up an image of you getting an email that says:
Dear Dad,
My mom is the greatest thing in the world and you can't say anything to change that.
Sincerely,
Daughter
There is a lot missing from the story we are getting here.
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