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Many children can be taught the concepts of 'we don't hit' and 'share your toys and others will share theirs with you' in early toddlerhood and onward and will cognitively get the message and comply by age 2 or 3. I thought myself a great and competent parent, two times over. I would look at other kids misbehaving and quickly judge the kids bad or mean or the parents inept. I've learned differently over the years, as the parent of my 3rd child, a boy who has ADHD that not all kids develop at the same rate and those same early lessons are taking many, many more years and a lot more/different effort and diligence (and even professional help) to sink in. Some kids are slower to learn and develop the self control, social skills, language, maturity, reciprocity, etc. This is why some parents choose to hold back 5 year olds from Kindergarten until age 6+. Also, I have learned that what looks and acts like a mean kid can actually be a developmentally delayed child with poor social skills. They lack the practical language skills to know what to say, instead, they might impulsively speak or act. It can look very mean and deliberate...but it comes from a place of incompetence more than anything else. They may turn out to be completely different by age 7 or 8 as they learn more language, reciprocity, self control. I'm not implying that this is what is going on here with this 5 year old, nor that the parent is not totally without needing some more ooomph in this case. However, just want to point out that temperment and child development is individualized and highly variable. Others should exercise caution in not just using their own parental experiences with their own child/children to make wholesale judgements nor to place label on a 5 year old boy.
Young kids with developmental delays and behavioral challenges such as these do best in play scenarios that are short (as in time), have structure and involve lots of praise or positive feedback. I would concur as others have that this 3 year old and this particular 5 year old is not best combo for unstructured type play (parks, pools, playgrounds, at home playdates) while parents are onlookers. A better choice if you are in a position to get together with your friend would be to suggest more structured type opportunities like the movies, an amusement park, arcade, etc. where the 5 year could be more preoccupied with the activity present and there aren't things like toys to share or an athletic prowess competition involved. If the 5 year old shows up at a playground or place where you are visiting, one option might be to feign another committment, and to leave after a short time. Another choice if you are stuck together in this more unstructured scenario, I'd insert myself between the two of them and gushily suggest an activity: finding sticks/rocks, playing some sort of imaginary game, etc. and during this, you dole out rapid doses of praise and positive commentary to the 5 year old...how good he is at it, thanking him for showing your son how to do it, what a cool rock you found!!, how good they are working together, let me see how many of these you found, etc....no matter how miniscule, trivial or overdone this may seem. I suspect you might find things go smoother between them and this is easier than having to wait for something to happen and to reprimand the other child...worth a try.
Hi everyone.
I am a mother of a 3 year old boy.. Recently he has been playing with my Best Friends son( 5 years ) who pushes him, slaps him, takes everything from him, as soon as he picks up somthing to play with it, the boy runs and grabs it, doesnt let him play with anything.. He also tells my son that he cant do anything and that only he can. he make it a point to bring down my son.
Yesterday i took my son to the park which we go to almost everyday and he has a real good time playing with his friends, but yesterday the boy( bully) came to play too and my son spent the whole time trying to impress this boy and crying because as usual the boy would tell him that he couldn't do anything. and that he was too small etc.
The mother doesn't really correct her son and i am not sure how to handle this situation. Any advice? should i keep him away or do i teach him how to deal with it.. and how?
Tell the other kid to stay away from your son. Tell your friend to keep him away from your son. Do not let them play together. Continuing to allow them to play together is going to be a bad influence on your son. That behavior is going to rub off on your son, then you will have problems with him. Also your son could end up with some psychological problems due to the bullying.
If she's your best friend, you talk to her! You don't allow your son to be mistreated no matter what. If you can't talk to her about this and stop this mistreatment then you need to stop putting your child in this situation.
You have no idea if that is true or not about being "predisposed" to anything. The five year olds behavior is normal for his age. It is normal for children that age to lack empathy which is why the mother should be teaching it.
And the reason I want to quibble is because I am familiar with the psychological development of children. A five year old is no more capable of "bullying" than an infant is of willfully disobeying. And, I am familiar with the real actions and consequences of bullying.
This 5 yo is not "bad" is not a "bully" but rather is a normal 5 yo acting as one without any boundaries being set by his parent.
The parent of the 3 yo also needs to be careful not to set their child up with a victim mentality.
No, the five year old's behavior is *NOT* normal for his age. The behavior is more like that of a 3 year old than a five year old. At 3, kids lack empathy (though they can learn it even earlier than 3). By 5, most children have figured out that they don't want to hurt their friends. In fact, five year olds often have strong ideas about playing fair, even if they don't always do so. They don't always want to take turns or share, but they do know they are supposed to do this and do actually do it much of the time. They may exclude other children, but not to the extent described here, imo. They also are capable of being nice to younger children. Some things will depend on the personality of the child, but mostly they also know that rough play should be reserved for kids close to their own size and age.
No, the five year old's behavior is *NOT* normal for his age. The behavior is more like that of a 3 year old than a five year old. At 3, kids lack empathy (though they can learn it even earlier than 3). By 5, most children have figured out that they don't want to hurt their friends. In fact, five year olds often have strong ideas about playing fair, even if they don't always do so. They don't always want to take turns or share, but they do know they are supposed to do this and do actually do it much of the time. They may exclude other children, but not to the extent described here, imo. They also are capable of being nice to younger children. Some things will depend on the personality of the child, but mostly they also know that rough play should be reserved for kids close to their own size and age.
Not if they are not taught empathy they don't. Clearly this parent does not take the time to stop the child and ask the simple question most of ask, "X, how do you think hitting, Y, makes him feel?". So yes, for a child not being taught empathy, this is normal behavior.
The problem is NOT the child. He is not bad, he is not abnormal, he is the natural product of a parent who is not helping him express his NATURAL aggression in a more acceptable way.
The idea that a 5yo some how magically learns all of the above on his own is ridiculous, that's what parents are for!
Not if they are not taught empathy they don't. Clearly this parent does not take the time to stop the child and ask the simple question most of ask, "X, how do you think hitting, Y, makes him feel?". So yes, for a child not being taught empathy, this is normal behavior.
The problem is NOT the child. He is not bad, he is not abnormal, he is the natural product of a parent who is not helping him express his NATURAL aggression in a more acceptable way.
The idea that a 5yo some how magically learns all of the above on his own is ridiculous, that's what parents are for!
I did not say that 5 year olds *magically learn* all of this on their own, however, the natural tendencies are there very early.
A growing body of evidence, though, suggests that humans do have a rudimentary moral sense from the very start of life. With the help of well-designed experiments, you can see glimmers of moral thought, moral judgment and moral feeling even in the first year of life.
Quote:
In addition, scientists know that certain compassionate feelings and impulses emerge early and apparently universally in human development. These are not moral concepts, exactly, but they seem closely related. One example is feeling pain at the pain of others. In his book “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals,” Charles Darwin, a keen observer of human nature, tells the story of how his first son, William, was fooled by his nurse into expressing sympathy at a very young age: “When a few days over 6 months old, his nurse pretended to cry, and I saw that his face instantly assumed a melancholy expression, with the corners of his mouth strongly depressed.”
Note that I have worked in daycare and preschools and that while teaching is necessary, the youngest babies are distressed when other babies are crying. By two years old, they will try to comfort another child unless they have never been comforted by others themselves.
1) talk to the mom, especially during an incident - don't wait for her to interfere, ask her to, so she's forced to take action - "I'm sorry, my son is upset, could he have his toy back please?". If necessary and she's really playing dumb, guilt trip a bit - take your child and comfort him so she can hear, let her know he's upset and it's her son's fault. Or even just grab him and say "you know, he's getting upset so we're just going to leave", and make sure she understands why,
2)try talking to the kid, look him in the eye and sternly tell him to not hit or give the toy back - however if the kid's really bad, it may not work
3) if all else fails, just stop letting your kids play together; there's no good reason for your son to continue to be hurt like this, and a 3 year old won't be able to properly stand up to a 5 yo no matter what you teach him. Explain to your friend that the playdates always end with your son getting hurt and hence you won't be meeting up anymore. Some people just aren't worth the trouble, imo.
1) talk to the mom, especially during an incident - don't wait for her to interfere, ask her to, so she's forced to take action - "I'm sorry, my son is upset, could he have his toy back please?". If necessary and she's really playing dumb, guilt trip a bit - take your child and comfort him so she can hear, let her know he's upset and it's her son's fault. Or even just grab him and say "you know, he's getting upset so we're just going to leave", and make sure she understands why,
2)try talking to the kid, look him in the eye and sternly tell him to not hit or give the toy back - however if the kid's really bad, it may not work
3) if all else fails, just stop letting your kids play together; there's no good reason for your son to continue to be hurt like this, and a 3 year old won't be able to properly stand up to a 5 yo no matter what you teach him. Explain to your friend that the playdates always end with your son getting hurt andhence you won't be meeting up anymore. Some people just aren't worth the trouble, imo.
Excellent points.
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