Disobeying. How do you handle? (game, parents, boys, clothes)
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I disagree. When I was a kid I recieved my share of spankings, and was also abused physically by this guy at a daycare center, so I know the difference between abuse and punishment. I eventually learned my lessons on manners and behaving after a few spankings when I did something wrong and did not want to face that again, so I changed my behavior. I remember always being afraid to not say thank you or call adults Maam or Sir. Kids nowadays are quicker to be disrespectful in public and misbehave at home then they used to be back when I was growing up.
I think the OP was saying that they were afraid the spanking might get out of control and cross the line to abuse, not that the children wouldn't know the difference between spanking and abuse.
I think it's a valid point. My mom started with spanking when I was just starting to walk. Whatever body part had misbehaved got the slap, whether it was the butt, the hand, or the mouth. By the time I was a teenager, the spanking had escalated to beating me with a belt or to pulling me down to the ground by my hair and kicking me in the back until my bladder let go or tearing my clothes off and putting me outside naked, because a regular little slap or even a few harder smacks no longer bothered me.
Interestingly, by the time she had my youngest sister, she had given up on the physical punishment.
I think the OP was saying that they were afraid the spanking might get out of control and cross the line to abuse, not that the children wouldn't know the difference between spanking and abuse.
I think it's a valid point. My mom started with spanking when I was just starting to walk. Whatever body part had misbehaved got the slap, whether it was the butt, the hand, or the mouth. By the time I was a teenager, the spanking had escalated to beating me with a belt or to pulling me down to the ground by my hair and kicking me in the back until my bladder let go or tearing my clothes off and putting me outside naked, because a regular little slap or even a few harder smacks no longer bothered me.
Interestingly, by the time she had my youngest sister, she had given up on the physical punishment.
I think the OP was saying that they were afraid the spanking might get out of control and cross the line to abuse, not that the children wouldn't know the difference between spanking and abuse.
I think it's a valid point. My mom started with spanking when I was just starting to walk. Whatever body part had misbehaved got the slap, whether it was the butt, the hand, or the mouth. By the time I was a teenager, the spanking had escalated to beating me with a belt or to pulling me down to the ground by my hair and kicking me in the back until my bladder let go or tearing my clothes off and putting me outside naked, because a regular little slap or even a few harder smacks no longer bothered me.
Interestingly, by the time she had my youngest sister, she had given up on the physical punishment.
She should have been locked up. Surely would have had a problem with the law in today's world.
For the record, I'm not trying to derail the thread or get sympathy...just point out that if you start with little spanks or slaps, and the kid gets to the point where they say that doesn't hurt, then either you have to stop or you've got to do something that does hurt, and that's when things can get out of hand. I think that's what the OP meant about the slippery slope toward abuse.
My husband used to be beaten with belts and coathangers. He's got scars on his back from it. They say abuse runs in families, so since he and I both have that in our past, we've had lots of careful discussions about how to discipline our kids. We used to say we would never spank, but sometimes kids go through a stage where their head just won't process the message as well as their butt does. I spanked occasionally, when my daughter was 3 and she went through a stage of hitting adults we didn't know if they did something she didn't like. The timeout with the nose on the wall was a perfect punishment when I was babysitting, for either my kids or the kids that I babysat, if a situation arose where something had to be done...it's more of a mental punishment than a physical one. Now my kids are old enough that they have all kinds of goodies to be taken away if they misbehave. Our most common punishment is grounding them from anything electronic (no tablet, tv, computer, ps3...they're lucky if they get to keep the light bulb in their bedrooms).
Spanking is degrading and does more harm than good. A lot of us in the 40+ range were spanked/beaten as children because that's just how it was then, it doesn't mean it was effective. Children that are spanked/hit normally will do the same thing to others. Having to use manners in fear of being beaten is very sad.
Something that is important in learning to cope with child behavior is that certain kids require different methods of parenting. Kid's with ADHD respond to methods that might not be good for others. Therapy is a great option, but requires a substantial commitment. I would highly recommend seeking counseling if things become overwhelming and you don't know what to do. You're not going to learn how to be a good parent by reading an internet forum.
Finally, "solitary confinement"? As in "go to your room and don't show up for X amount of time"?.
They are major clingers to us and they really don't like it if they have to spend more than a little time outside of our immediate physical space".
I'm not a parent so I can't speak from personal experience but this is what a friend of mine does. She has a board in the kitchen with the kids' names on them. When they do what they're supposed to, like making the bed, they get a gold star sticker put under their name. If they do something bad they lose a sticker. When they do something good without being asked, like taking the initiative to put away their toys or help with some other house work, they get another bigger and nicer sticker. When they have a certain amount of stickers, with the bigger ones counting as more, they get a reward. The kids are super excited about getting gold stars and are running around wiping off tables and stuff to get a big sticker. It gives them a motivation to do good which is really what you want, right?
I'm not a parent so I can't speak from personal experience but this is what a friend of mine does. She has a board in the kitchen with the kids' names on them. When they do what they're supposed to, like making the bed, they get a gold star sticker put under their name. If they do something bad they lose a sticker. When they do something good without being asked, like taking the initiative to put away their toys or help with some other house work, they get another bigger and nicer sticker. When they have a certain amount of stickers, with the bigger ones counting as more, they get a reward. The kids are super excited about getting gold stars and are running around wiping off tables and stuff to get a big sticker. It gives them a motivation to do good which is really what you want, right?
We did this when my boys were probably 4/5 years old. It works for a while, then it turns into constant negotiating... "if I do this, can I get another ___" Unfortunately, a reward system like this is not a long term parenting tool and doesn't solve issues like when they are outside of the house in different settings.
Also, as I mentioned earlier, some kids may not respond at all to something like this, especially very smart kids. They need more rigid guidance in helping them make better choices. By rigid, I am not referring to anything physical whatsoever, I'm referring to being consistent so they know you mean what you say. Following through, no shallow threats, giving consequences for actions and praising for good behavior.
I don't think spankings should be a common every day thing. I do however think they should be an option and the kid should know it. I could count on my fingers the number of times I spanked my son who is now a college student. Had someone in daycare touched my son there would have been a real problem.
I don't think spankings should be an everyday thing either, but in those special cases sometimes you have to do it to get your point across. I had to spank my little niece last year when we lived together after she bit her brother. I told her to go sit in the corner at first, but then she did it again after she was free to play again, so I told her she was getting a spanking now. I explained why she was getting one and told her this is what happens when you don't listen and continue to do the same things over and over. Then after all the crying and time went by after she was sent to the corner again. I let her out and told her I didn't want to hurt her and I love her, but you have to listen to your uncle and mommy and daddy when they tell you to stop doing something.
For the record, I'm not trying to derail the thread or get sympathy...just point out that if you start with little spanks or slaps, and the kid gets to the point where they say that doesn't hurt, then either you have to stop or you've got to do something that does hurt, and that's when things can get out of hand.
I see it differently. The point of a spanking is that it does hurt. Of coarse you don't want to break someones leg or black thier eye to get a point across. I remember my father using the belt on us when we were kids. We got used to it like you say, but one day me and my brother were in real trouble and got spanked with the belt. My father spanked me first with about 10 good hits to my backside with that leather belt. Then my brother said something smart after my dad hit him with the belt the first 2 times. Something like, "That don't hurt". So, my father was like, "Oh really?" then he just spanked him till my brother said stop. My dad said, "Learn your lesson yet?".
My brother was crying, but after that point we never broke into anymore schools again. We were like 8 or 9 years old at that time, and this other older neighborhood kid convinced me and my brother to climb on top of the school by our house and we busted out a skylight above the gym and somehow ended up in the school. Eventually the police found out it was us and we got punished by our father and had to go to court. If it wasn't for the spanking my dad gave us that day, I don't really know what would have happened after that. Maybe I would have remembered how much fun it was as we broke into the school and did other things like that growing up, but we never did.
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