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Also syracusa, you harken back to yesteryear as if the outcome of that child rearing style was so wildly successful. It produced plenty of truly jacked up individuals (as does today's model).
Exactly, which is why being a parent (SAH or not) is the most difficult thing in the world. People raised via tough love and discipline seem to think that was wrong and vice versa. There is no answer, no one-size fits all and everything is singly dependent on how the child is and what they need (and it constantly changes).
I'm going to ask a different question. How much time off does your dh get? It sounds like what he gets is to sleep in on the weekends. He's working a full time job, coming home and taking care of your child 1 - 1.5 hours per night and then doing family things on the weekend. How much time is he putting in between commuting, working and the child care he does? He may be feeling he has no time off and you have a lot because you don't work for a living. You have to remember that to a working parent, being home all day is a day off. You have options like napping when the toddler naps or going for a walk (pushing a stroller of course) that look like leisure activities. What the two of you are really fighting over is time off (me time) and there is precious little of that when you are a parent working or not working. About the only way you get it is to give up time either with your child or as a family.
I would suggest that you make nap time your time every day. Don't clean or cook during nap time. Read a book, take a bath, take a nap (takes care of the sleep issue) and remember that your dh needs decompression time when he comes home. I would also suggest that you and your dh schedule time off. If you each knew you had a block of time to yourself and knew when it was coming, maybe you woudn't be fighting for me time. Sit down and talk to him about BOTH of your need for me time and schedule that time. You're figthing for it because it's not worked into the schedule.
As to sleeping in, alternate. One of you gets up early on Saturday and the other on Sunday. One of you gets Saturday afternoon to themselves and the other gets Sunday afternoon to themselves. Of course, you've just cut into family time here unless you hire a mother's helper on the weekend.
If you can afford it, I'd suggest a nanny or housekeeper. That way you can both have me time and still have family time.
Wonderful. I hope this is a sign of positive changes.
Thanks. The thing is, and the reason I'm so persistent about it, is that I know he's got it in him to be a good father, or a better father. I can see that the potential is there and that he loves us, and I could see that when I talk to him about it he does understand and means his promises - it's just that when it comes down to it, laziness/procrastination takes over - and I understand that completely as both me and him tend to be lazy and procrastinators in some other aspects, it's just that I think parenting is one aspect where you can't do that, because you're building a relationship and shaping another life. Chores, paperwork, exercise, whatever are one thing - but a toddler who doesn't get that daddy makes money, he just gets that daddy would rather play with the computer than with him - that's another thing altogether and not a good one. I do feel DH has improved overall since I've layed this out for him several times, because it was just something he wasn't thinking about. This is also why I refuse to believe he's a lost cause, lol, and want to continue looking for ways to encourage their interaction.
Exactly, which is why being a parent (SAH or not) is the most difficult thing in the world. People raised via tough love and discipline seem to think that was wrong and vice versa. There is no answer, no one-size fits all and everything is singly dependent on how the child is and what they need (and it constantly changes).
I've come to the conclusion that no matter what we do, our kids will think we screwed up. You do what you think it right at the time but every child is different and hind sight often says we could have handled things better. We really need to stop expecting perfection out of parents. Unfortunately, we don't see the folly here until we've raised our own kids and realize that there is no such thing as perfect parenting.
Not to be snotty or anything, but it sounds to me like your family spoiled you a little bit, before you moved. You're now having to deal with the reality of actually raising and entertaining your child on your own, while your hubby's at work all day.
I suppose this post makes me grateful that neither my family or my husband's family were "available" to help raise our children. We never got use to someone else doing our jobs for us. Also, it sounds to me like you get plenty of ME time. My goodness, you only have one child and a husband. Yes, your family did you no favors, that's for sure.
Also, you mentioned that your son is very hard to handle, right? Why is that? Have you not been taking enough time to teach him appropriate behavior? I mean, after all....YOU are the one who is spending the majority of the time with him, right? Therefore, it falls on YOU to be making sure your child knows his limitations and boundaries. Maybe hubby can't handle spending too much one on one time with him, because you haven't been doing your job, in raising a child who is pleasant to be around.
Hey, in our home, we've gone back and forth. Sometimes both of us worked. Sometimes I was the breadwinner, sometimes my husband was. When I was the SAHM, it was my job to take care of EVERYthing at home. I also considered it my job to allow my husband to destress and relax when he got home from work. My husband's responsibility was to bring home the bacon.
When I was the one working, I expected him to do everything around the home and expected him to give me the same considerations as I gave him, when he was the one working every day. It didn't always work out that way....but still, it reinforced how important it was to do it for him. Good luck. I hope you learn to work things out. I also hope that you will either consider going back to work, if you can't make this SAHM thing work for the whole family. If it's not working for ALL, then it's not working for any.
Does anyone else think the OP is making parenting harder than it should be?
(Not saying that the dh is ideal, but he does give the kid a bath every night, plays with him a little bit, and spends weekends as a family. He came from a family where he didn't have a good role model, give him some slack and some time.)
Has the OP taken the child grocery shopping yet or is it still considered "too germy"?
Has the OP weaned the child from needing her to sit by his bed as he falls asleep, even as late as 10pm?
The kid shouldn't dictate what you do. You don't have to be at his beck and call. The child shouldn't be constantly entertained and played with. Maybe this isn't what's going on, but it sounds like it sometimes.
Yes, especially the sleeping thing, a child should have a bed time and learn to go to sleep by himself, rituals are lovely, keep the reading/cuddling time, but then it's lights out, and the parent leaves. A child has to learn to be alone and self soothe, and self entertain. After bedtime, both parents can relax and spend some time together, save the dishes for tomorrow.
I think she sees this as anyone would a job, she wants to do everything she can because she wants to do a good job, but the job of a SAHM isn't to be at a child's beck and call, she's not the child's servant, or full time entertainer either. The child needs to be bored sometimes, and learn to entertain himself while you are busy with housework. Learning independence is part of growing up, holding him back from that isn't helping him.
I still stand by my feelings about her spouses parenting, I don't care if other women would think she has it great, being a parent never stops at providing an income, so that when you get home you just get to decide how much care you feel like giving your child, he's a parent who should be there for his son. I grew up in a very traditional environment, with a SAHM, when my father came home from work he got exactly 1 hour after work, before dinner to nap, and I wasn't to bother him, but after that, he was there for me all night, he was often the one to put me to bed. Any parent who is there needs to be a PARENT, children need that, it hurts them to be passed off because dad's bored and wants to play video games. Actually my dad and I usually helped my mom clean up after dinner, we did it together, and it was fun, I see now that my parents probably enjoyed getting it done fast and early so they could relax after putting me to bed.
The father should not be so uncomfortable spending time alone with the child, why can't he go to the park alone with him? A father should know everything about how to take care their child, and be able to do it alone if he needed to. The sleeping in on weekends after playing video games all night, no way. I would simply not allow it, they are partners, she's not his employee. Ignore his whining and tell him to grow up, he's a parent too, and she has also been working all week, and from what I have read been getting up earlier than him all week, they should trade off one weekend day each if sleeping in is that important to the both, and as the child gets older he can get up on his own and make his own cereal.
You might want to tell you husband you need help, and if you can get in the bath and relax a bit while he puts the kid to bed, you'd be more interested in sex, that might inspire him. It seems like this father isn't comfortable being alone with his child, he has to learn to get over that for his, and the child's sake.
I'm going to ask a different question. How much time off does your dh get? It sounds like what he gets is to sleep in on the weekends. He's working a full time job, coming home and taking care of your child 1 - 1.5 hours per night and then doing family things on the weekend. How much time is he putting in between commuting, working and the child care he does? He may be feeling he has no time off and you have a lot because you don't work for a living. You have to remember that to a working parent, being home all day is a day off. You have options like napping when the toddler naps or going for a walk (pushing a stroller of course) that look like leisure activities. What the two of you are really fighting over is time off (me time) and there is precious little of that when you are a parent working or not working. About the only way you get it is to give up time either with your child or as a family.
I would suggest that you make nap time your time every day. Don't clean or cook during nap time. Read a book, take a bath, take a nap (takes care of the sleep issue) and remember that your dh needs decompression time when he comes home. I would also suggest that you and your dh schedule time off. If you each knew you had a block of time to yourself and knew when it was coming, maybe you woudn't be fighting for me time. Sit down and talk to him about BOTH of your need for me time and schedule that time. You're figthing for it because it's not worked into the schedule.
As to sleeping in, alternate. One of you gets up early on Saturday and the other on Sunday. One of you gets Saturday afternoon to themselves and the other gets Sunday afternoon to themselves. Of course, you've just cut into family time here unless you hire a mother's helper on the weekend.
If you can afford it, I'd suggest a nanny or housekeeper. That way you can both have me time and still have family time.
Then he's off every night and all weekend. Since he's home and that's time off, right?. I guess you could add in his lunch hour, commute and whatever downtime he has at work. But scorekeeping doesn't really solve any problems.
Hey, in our home, we've gone back and forth. Sometimes both of us worked. Sometimes I was the breadwinner, sometimes my husband was. When I was the SAHM, it was my job to take care of EVERYthing at home. I also considered it my job to allow my husband to destress and relax when he got home from work. My husband's responsibility was to bring home the bacon.
When I was the one working, I expected him to do everything around the home and expected him to give me the same considerations as I gave him, when he was the one working every day. It didn't always work out that way....but still, it reinforced how important it was to do it for him. Good luck. I hope you learn to work things out. I also hope that you will either consider going back to work, if you can't make this SAHM thing work for the whole family. If it's not working for ALL, then it's not working for any.
So when you were a sahm, your husband never spent time alone with the kids on the weekend or got up with them? How about you, when you worked and he stayed home, did you also expect him to keep taking care of the kids and not bother you when you were home and on weekends? Did you sleep in every weekend and expect him to get up?
I do consider it's my duty to let my husband relax at home - and I do. He does no chores, comes home to a reasonably clean house and home-cooked meals, laundry done, etc. Parenting, however, being a father - that I don't think should be completely taken off the duty list just because I stay home, or restricted to paying the bills, just as it wouldn't for a working mother or for both working parents. I'm with my son all day - when otherwise we would be paying a childcare provider to do it; but when we're both home, there's no reason for the father to not spend time with him.
My husband considers it relaxing to be with our son. I think that's the real thing you would like to change. That he consider hanging out with him TO BE down time. My husband likes to come right home after work because he doesn't get much time with him. And he has a couple of friends who insist that I don't let him out and that I expect him home to "babysit". They just cannot fathom that he wants to be with him. That it would upset him to not see him for an entire day (he leaves before our son gets up).
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You do what you think it right at the time but every child is different and hind sight often says we could have handled things better. We really need to stop expecting perfection out of parents. Unfortunately, we don't see the folly here until we've raised our own kids and realize that there is no such thing as perfect parenting.
