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There is no evidence, and you know it. Why can't people just be honest? The thought of being a SAHM gives you the heebie-jeebies. So what, do whatever works for you, but why the incessant need to disparage SAHMs?
Again I have to ask why you insist that all SAHMs do is "play"? You know what really rubs me the wrong way with your aspersions is that I dedicate a lot of time to my children, and children at large......including your children!! My responsibilities in local organizations includes the school your very children attend! How ironic is that!
From this working mom, well once they were three I went to work, I can tell you syracusa does not represent my opinion of SAHMs. For the short period of time I did it, it was tiring, and fun, and boring, and monotonous, and enraging, and fulfilling and a hundred other things all at the same time.
SAH parenting is what you make of it. I suspect you make a whole lot of it. But to be somewhat fair to syracusa (who I disagree with on nearly everything else) the OP has made it clear she is doing very little housework, shopping or cooking during the day which makes it sound as if all she does is play with junior. Eh, she no more represents the totality of SAHMing than syracus represents all WMs.
You come across as very bitter, and turn every thread into an attack on SAHMs.
Zimbo wasn't looking for your thanks, but I offer mine. I know the difference parent volunteers make in our schools, and she doesn't just volunteer for her own children's school, but for the entire state. Thank you Zimbo!
I also offer my thanks! When I was a SAHM, my esthitician, who had been a single working mom, told me that she was glad those moms were there because she couldn't be. I thanked her for that. What a refreshing point of view to appreciate "the other side" instead of constantly bashing and invalidating.
From this working mom, well once they were three I went to work, I can tell you syracusa does not represent my opinion of SAHMs. For the short period of time I did it, it was tiring, and fun, and boring, and monotonous, and enraging, and fulfilling and a hundred other things all at the same time.
SAH parenting is what you make of it. I suspect you make a whole lot of it. But to be somewhat fair to syracusa (who I disagree with on nearly everything else) the OP has made it clear she is doing very little housework, shopping or cooking during the day which makes it sound as if all she does is play with junior. Eh, she no more represents the totality of SAHMing than syracus represents all WMs.
I haven't had the time to read 71 pages, but just posting my opinion in reply to OP.
I don't think you can rely on your DH, so the only way to improve your situation is to stop expecting anything from him.
Think about how single mothers do it, without additional income, or mothers with more then 1 kid.
Once you only have yourself to rely on and try to stop feeling sorry about yourself, you will have no choice but to step it up, and you feel better about yourself.
I am an SAHM with four boys under the age of 8, and my husband has a full time job and side jobs, so most of the time I am on all day by myself. I was sick today and yesterday, but I had to take care of them all day, and running around actually made me feel better.
Kids are hard, and I just figured I have to step it up. It must be harder without a sibling to play with though, so you have to entertain him.
As hard as it is, letting go of my expectations from others, made my life easier. If no one helps, I am not dissapointed, and if they do it's a pleasant surprise.
One thing that I figured I needed was more energy, and eating healthy (more veggies and less bread and pasta which makes you tired) helps, as well as going to bed by 9 pm. Also being positive, and doing fun things with kids, trying to appreciate the time with them which will go by so fast, having a good schedule, and trying to let go of negative thoughts, even justifiable, which drain your energy.
I think men generally don't do well with kids under 5, and in just 2 years he will be in kindergarten, and it will be much easier.
One thing for sure your situation will not stay the same forever, kids grow and it gets easier down the road.
One thing that could help, is to let go of your disappointment and any expectations, and try to get your DH's story and look at things from his perspective.
But if you are so over him, that you don't see a future, is it possible to move back with parents?
Right. And each one "chooses". When I went back to work, when we came home, I usually threw something in the oven, potatoes, chicken, whatever, and my husband and I both went out for a long walk with the kids and our dog. We talked, played, had fun, and came home to dinner done.
But some nights, if it was cold, sometimes he would watch the news and the kids were hanging in the family room with him, or sometimes they would help me with dinner. I did not say, "You cannot watch tv with the kids". Whatever. He was with them.
I had plenty of free time when I was a SAHM, my kids went down for naps after lunch. When they got up, they played with toys, or the dog, I could do crafts or whatever I wanted. Work is completely different.
You left the oven on while out of the house? You terrible Mom.
Simply put, yes, you are expecting WAY too much. Grocery shop with your kid during the day and when your husband comes home, take that time to do something relaxing instead of more chores.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just feel I need some objective viewpoints and to get it off my chest
Here’s the story: I’m a SAHM (have always wanted to be one) to a three year old boy, hubby has a good job, decent pay, a very regular schedule, excellent working conditions (this is a company known as one of the best in the world for employee comfort and benefits), not much stress and almost no overtime. We moved for his job a year ago, away from my hometown where both of our families are. Until then, we lived five minutes away from my parents, and since having our son I’ve always had a ton of help from them – which basically meant DH did very little when it came to taking care of DS – my parents adore DS to bits, he’s the first grandchild, were always offering to take him on weekends, my mom would come over to help, etc. So we both enjoyed fairly stress-free parenting as far as that went. DH even slept in a separate room for the first year so he wasn't woken by the baby while I was nursing.
Now that we moved, we’ve been progressively fighting more and more over splitting the work, to the point where I start crying because I feel that I’m being treated unfairly and I don’t deserve the way DH is starting to talk to me (he didn’t use to be like that). He’s been getting progressively more cruel and insulting when arguing with me instead of discussing things calmly and it’s just breaking my heart. Before we moved I was extremely concerned about not having anyone around to help with DS when I need it, and DH promised over and over again that he’ll step up, help out, spend time with him etc. Well our fights tend to stem from the fact that apparently he thinks he’s doing a lot and that I’m being unreasonably demanding, lazy, entitled, etc. However, I look around at other families where moms are also SAH and how much their husbands do, and add up the time DH actually spends with DS one on one, and it’s really not that much. That’s kind of why I want to just throw it out here and lay out exactly what each one of us does, and hear objective opinions on whether I’m really expecting too much, or whether DH is being unreasonable. So this is how our typical workload is split:
- DH works, does taxes, pays bills, deals with most financial paperwork but assigns some of it to me every once in a while (I admit I’m completely terrible at anything finance-related)
- I take care of all the household needs – cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. I take care of DS the entire day, schedule all his classes, activities, doctor visits, etc, take him to different places, try to make sure he’s getting lots of fun experiences, etc
- On a typical day DH usually spends about 1-1.5 hours with DS after getting home at 6pm – usually I’ll take 40-60 minutes to do something like cook, grocery shop (so that I’m not dragging DS around a germy store unnecessarily), or go the gym a couple times a week. Then DH does his bath – up until they get out, then I take him to dress and do the rest of the bedtime routine – supper, milk, reading, potty, and sit with him until he’s asleep which is sometimes not until 10 pm if he had a late nap.
- DS gets up at 7:30, so I try to be in bed myself before midnight at the latest, by the time I got him in bed I’m usually exhausted, I’ll finish cleaning up the kitchen and such, take a shower, and all I want to do is crawl into bed. At this point DH will often get huffy that I’m not spending enough time with him and will complain that I don’t initiate sex and am not passionate enough – and I admit it’s true, it’s just I have no damn energy to be passionate!
- On weekends I’m usually still the one getting up with DS and letting DH sleep in until 10 or so, otherwise he gets extremely grumpy. We’ll then go somewhere all together. Often DH will ask that we let him ‘chill’ for the morning so I’ll take DS and we go somewhere ourselves until his naptime.
Now, here’s when most trouble starts. I’m a night owl and it’s grueling to be getting up at 7:30 am over and over again with no snooze button, lol, no sick days, no weekends. So every few weeks I’ll beg DH to get up with him one weekend day and let me sleep in. He’ll usually end up agreeing but not before grumbling and complaining about it – and then after he’s agreed, he’ll complain again when the morning actually comes, and while getting up he’ll whine about how he only had 4 hours of sleep (he does suffer from insomnia, but also stays up later than he should playing computer games), he’ll start throwing insults at me that I’m lazy and that he works and provides for us and should be able to get sleep on weekends yadda yadda (he gets up for work an hour after DS does on weekdays). He’ll get up and get DS in a huff, and then will nag at me to get up after an hour or so so he can go back to sleep. These mornings are considered a great gift on his part and I need to pretty much bow down and kiss his feet. On very rare occasions he’ll watch DS for a couple of hours while I run to the mall or get a haircut or meet a friend, but again these are rare and require begging and are accompanied by tons of sighing and complaining, so it becomes almost not worth it. He rarely takes DS out for a walk without me, only if I again beg and grovel to let me have some time to myself and get something done at home in the meantime – and again he’ll go on how I’m so lazy and the more he does the more I ask for – although I have no idea where the ‘more’ is coming from. He never ever offers to take DS and give me some time off on his own; I’ve asked for a day off as my only gift for my birthday and Mother’s Day, and even then he complained afterwards and for the next six months it becomes his trump card, that he gave me time off that time so now I have to do this and that. I’m writing this up today because the same thing happened, I have a cold, and asked DH to take DS to the park without me. He got all huffy and tried to talk me into coming with them and when I said I’d really rather stay home because I’m not feeling great and I have the whole week coming up when I have to deal with DS myself, he got all pissy again and told me I’m getting lazier and lazier and blah blah blah. I’m seriously getting so tired and frustrated and sick of being treated like that. And the problem is he honestly thinks he does a LOT and that i should be grateful I don’t need to work. I am, believe me, but I’m also human and not a robot and I need breaks every once in a while – ones that don’t include chores, because he tends to count those in as my personal time somehow if he watches DS in the meantime. In total, he’ll spend maybe 4 hours total at most with DS on weekends – and that’s mostly playing with him, I still do all the dressing, meals, naps, etc. And most of that time he wants me to be there just in case. He’ll run around with him on the playground for 15 minutes, and then will go ‘okay, now your turn’ for the rest of the time – and my argument that I do it every.other.damn.day.of.the.week doesn’t count – because during the week he WORKS. Ugh. Anyways I could go on but there’s probably no point . I’d appreciate any input or opinions anyone has. And yes, I’ve talked to him calmly and we’ve discussed it plenty of times – he’ll always agree to be nice and help and apologizes for being mean to me – and then when it comes down to it it’s the same thing over again. Oh and I don’t have a work visa so putting DS in daycare and working isn’t an option – and even if it was I wouldn’t want to since I’d just end up doing double shift at work and then home at this rate...
Simply put, yes, you are expecting WAY too much. Grocery shop with your kid during the day and when your husband comes home, take that time to do something relaxing instead of more chores.
HE WON'T WATCH THE CHILD WHILE SHE DOES SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO DO. SHE CAN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. OR THEY GYM (which she does only for health reasons). PERIOD.
HE WON'T WATCH THE CHILD WHILE SHE DOES SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO DO. SHE CAN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. OR THEY GYM (which she does only for health reasons). PERIOD.
I didn't see where she said that? I saw that he whines and complains if she uses that time for something else, but not that he wouldn't watch the kiddo.
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