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Old 02-24-2013, 02:05 PM
 
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I'm sorry this is so long, but I just feel I need some objective viewpoints and to get it off my chest

Hereís the story: Iím a SAHM (have always wanted to be one) to a three year old boy, hubby has a good job, decent pay, a very regular schedule, excellent working conditions (this is a company known as one of the best in the world for employee comfort and benefits), not much stress and almost no overtime. We moved for his job a year ago, away from my hometown where both of our families are. Until then, we lived five minutes away from my parents, and since having our son Iíve always had a ton of help from them Ė which basically meant DH did very little when it came to taking care of DS Ė my parents adore DS to bits, heís the first grandchild, were always offering to take him on weekends, my mom would come over to help, etc. So we both enjoyed fairly stress-free parenting as far as that went. DH even slept in a separate room for the first year so he wasn't woken by the baby while I was nursing.

Now that we moved, weíve been progressively fighting more and more over splitting the work, to the point where I start crying because I feel that Iím being treated unfairly and I donít deserve the way DH is starting to talk to me (he didnít use to be like that). Heís been getting progressively more cruel and insulting when arguing with me instead of discussing things calmly and itís just breaking my heart. Before we moved I was extremely concerned about not having anyone around to help with DS when I need it, and DH promised over and over again that heíll step up, help out, spend time with him etc. Well our fights tend to stem from the fact that apparently he thinks heís doing a lot and that Iím being unreasonably demanding, lazy, entitled, etc. However, I look around at other families where moms are also SAH and how much their husbands do, and add up the time DH actually spends with DS one on one, and itís really not that much. Thatís kind of why I want to just throw it out here and lay out exactly what each one of us does, and hear objective opinions on whether Iím really expecting too much, or whether DH is being unreasonable. So this is how our typical workload is split:

- DH works, does taxes, pays bills, deals with most financial paperwork but assigns some of it to me every once in a while (I admit Iím completely terrible at anything finance-related)
- I take care of all the household needs Ė cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. I take care of DS the entire day, schedule all his classes, activities, doctor visits, etc, take him to different places, try to make sure heís getting lots of fun experiences, etc
- On a typical day DH usually spends about 1-1.5 hours with DS after getting home at 6pm Ė usually Iíll take 40-60 minutes to do something like cook, grocery shop (so that Iím not dragging DS around a germy store unnecessarily), or go the gym a couple times a week. Then DH does his bath Ė up until they get out, then I take him to dress and do the rest of the bedtime routine Ė supper, milk, reading, potty, and sit with him until heís asleep which is sometimes not until 10 pm if he had a late nap.
- DS gets up at 7:30, so I try to be in bed myself before midnight at the latest, by the time I got him in bed Iím usually exhausted, Iíll finish cleaning up the kitchen and such, take a shower, and all I want to do is crawl into bed. At this point DH will often get huffy that Iím not spending enough time with him and will complain that I donít initiate sex and am not passionate enough Ė and I admit itís true, itís just I have no damn energy to be passionate!
- On weekends Iím usually still the one getting up with DS and letting DH sleep in until 10 or so, otherwise he gets extremely grumpy. Weíll then go somewhere all together. Often DH will ask that we let him Ďchillí for the morning so Iíll take DS and we go somewhere ourselves until his naptime.

Now, hereís when most trouble starts. Iím a night owl and itís grueling to be getting up at 7:30 am over and over again with no snooze button, lol, no sick days, no weekends. So every few weeks Iíll beg DH to get up with him one weekend day and let me sleep in. Heíll usually end up agreeing but not before grumbling and complaining about it Ė and then after heís agreed, heíll complain again when the morning actually comes, and while getting up heíll whine about how he only had 4 hours of sleep (he does suffer from insomnia, but also stays up later than he should playing computer games), heíll start throwing insults at me that Iím lazy and that he works and provides for us and should be able to get sleep on weekends yadda yadda (he gets up for work an hour after DS does on weekdays). Heíll get up and get DS in a huff, and then will nag at me to get up after an hour or so so he can go back to sleep. These mornings are considered a great gift on his part and I need to pretty much bow down and kiss his feet. On very rare occasions heíll watch DS for a couple of hours while I run to the mall or get a haircut or meet a friend, but again these are rare and require begging and are accompanied by tons of sighing and complaining, so it becomes almost not worth it. He rarely takes DS out for a walk without me, only if I again beg and grovel to let me have some time to myself and get something done at home in the meantime Ė and again heíll go on how Iím so lazy and the more he does the more I ask for Ė although I have no idea where the Ďmoreí is coming from. He never ever offers to take DS and give me some time off on his own; Iíve asked for a day off as my only gift for my birthday and Motherís Day, and even then he complained afterwards and for the next six months it becomes his trump card, that he gave me time off that time so now I have to do this and that. Iím writing this up today because the same thing happened, I have a cold, and asked DH to take DS to the park without me. He got all huffy and tried to talk me into coming with them and when I said Iíd really rather stay home because Iím not feeling great and I have the whole week coming up when I have to deal with DS myself, he got all pissy again and told me Iím getting lazier and lazier and blah blah blah. Iím seriously getting so tired and frustrated and sick of being treated like that. And the problem is he honestly thinks he does a LOT and that i should be grateful I donít need to work. I am, believe me, but Iím also human and not a robot and I need breaks every once in a while Ė ones that donít include chores, because he tends to count those in as my personal time somehow if he watches DS in the meantime. In total, heíll spend maybe 4 hours total at most with DS on weekends Ė and thatís mostly playing with him, I still do all the dressing, meals, naps, etc. And most of that time he wants me to be there just in case. Heíll run around with him on the playground for 15 minutes, and then will go Ďokay, now your turní for the rest of the time Ė and my argument that I do it every.other.damn.day.of.the.week doesnít count Ė because during the week he WORKS. Ugh. Anyways I could go on but thereís probably no point . Iíd appreciate any input or opinions anyone has. And yes, Iíve talked to him calmly and weíve discussed it plenty of times Ė heíll always agree to be nice and help and apologizes for being mean to me Ė and then when it comes down to it itís the same thing over again. Oh and I donít have a work visa so putting DS in daycare and working isnít an option Ė and even if it was I wouldnít want to since Iíd just end up doing double shift at work and then home at this rate...
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
31,973 posts, read 30,500,954 times
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The FATHER of the baby slept in another room the first year???

He's not one of the kids. He's a parent. But he's been spoiled.

I have no tolerance for dads who act like babysitters. When I had twins, I could not have survived without my husband, who got up with me EVERY FEEDING and helped. But he wanted to be there. I guess not all parents feel this way.

Raising babies is hard, and if he hasn't clued in to the fact that he's a parent now, you may in fact have two children in the house.
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:25 PM
 
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Sounds pretty much like the traditional SAHM where the husband goes out and works to support the family and figures he doesn't have to come home and do the housework, cooking and cleaning, and take care of the children too.

Yes, it's much harder for women who work outside of the home because in most cases, the housework, the cooking and cleaning and caring for the kids still falls on them, even if they came home from an exhuasting day at work, so I wouldn't suggest that in your case. You might ask your husband to hire you a housekeepr and a cook or nanny.
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:56 PM
 
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Hmmm, sorry, I think you are a bit whiny here. You miss your family, and the built in support system, obviously. But, you have one little boy. I raised three, and it wasn't as difficult as you are making it out to be.

Start weaning your son off his nap so he goes to bed earlier. There is no reason in the world why you need to be up till midnight doing dishes and taking a shower. Honestly, you sound bored in your roll, and I get that, but it isn't your husband's fault. I think if you make an effort to find other mothers with similar age children, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and appreciate the fact that you have this time with your son.

The only mark against your husband that I see is his reluctance to spend more time with his son. Not because it would help you out, but because it is very important to the father-child bond. Maybe if you stop trying demanding it, he will do it for the simple reason that it gives him pleasure.
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
The FATHER of the baby slept in another room the first year???

He's not one of the kids. He's a parent. But he's been spoiled.

I have no tolerance for dads who act like babysitters. When I had twins, I could not have survived without my husband, who got up with me EVERY FEEDING and helped. But he wanted to be there. I guess not all parents feel this way.

Raising babies is hard, and if he hasn't clued in to the fact that he's a parent now, you may in fact have two children in the house.
Well the sleeping thing I actually didn't mind too much; thing is he does suffer from chronic insomnia, is a very light sleeper and if he's been woken up he often can't go back to sleep. Whether as I can fall asleep anywhere in an instant, so the round-the-clock feedings actually weren't too hard on me - I'd grab DS from the bassinet next to the bed, nurse him and put him back down and immediately go back to sleep myself. Making DH sleep with us would've resulted in a very difficult year for all involved, not to mention his job requires thinking quickly and clearly, and I didn't feel it was worth it. Plus as I've said, I got so much help from my parents that I didn't feel I needed more from DH and didn't press him for it...maybe I should've?
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Hmmm, sorry, I think you are a bit whiny here. You miss your family, and the built in support system, obviously. But, you have one little boy. I raised three, and it wasn't as difficult as you are making it out to be.

Start weaning your son off his nap so he goes to bed earlier. There is no reason in the world why you need to be up till midnight doing dishes and taking a shower. Honestly, you sound bored in your roll, and I get that, but it isn't your husband's fault. I think if you make an effort to find other mothers with similar age children, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and appreciate the fact that you have this time with your son.

The only mark against your husband that I see is his reluctance to spend more time with his son. Not because it would help you out, but because it is very important to the father-child bond. Maybe if you stop trying demanding it, he will do it for the simple reason that it gives him pleasure.
Believe me, I'm not bored, lol! If anything I would LOVE to have the time to be bored. I know many moms with young children around and our weekdays and some weekends are usually packed with stuff to do. What i don't have nearly enough of is a bit of time to just chill and be on my own, without the constant demands of a toddler. I'm grateful I have the time with him, but for my sanity I NEED a bit of me-time, and to be able to sleep in at least one day every few weeks, mornings have always been very tough for me, and there's a reason every job has weekends, it's so people don't go crazy! I know families where the mom is SAH yet the husband gets up with the kid one weekend day every week! If I suggested that to DH he'd probably laugh.

And yes him spending the time with DS is extremely important too, but he thinks that tossing him for 15 mins or putting him on his lap while he watches hockey qualifies as a lot of quality time together. He goes on about how he wants to do this and that with him, but when it comes down to it it's a max of 15-30 mins, and often it's 'oh well I'm too tired today', 'I didn't sleep well', 'I need to finish up some work', etc etc. And if I didn't ask him to do this, I'm certain it would happen even less cause as I've said, he never volunteers to spend time with him one-on-one, ever, I always need to be there. It's like he wants to spend time with him in theory, but in practice he doesn't want to put time and effort into it, and really it's like he wants to still live the lifestyle we did before having DS - sleeping in, lazy weekends, strolling down for some coffee, then playing computer games for the afternoon and wild sex at night. I mean sure, I'd like that too, but I live in the reality of having a toddler who has needs, and if I keep my mouth shut DH will just spend his weekends like this while I do everything else . AND he thinks that he's entitled to actually having that, because he WORKS and I don't . And everything I do during the week doesn't count because 'well you WANTED to stay home, you chose this'. His other favorite phrase has become 'this is the ONLY thing you do!' - THIS meaning raising a child and taking care of a household, because clearly it's easy-peasy

And we're planning a second one, but honestly at this rate I'm kind of scared, because I just don't feel like I have any support in DH aside from financial - and yes I know that's important, but it's not all, I don't feel like I can truly rely on him when I need it, without him doing a little count of 'who does more' and stashing points against me...I guess that's the real problem here

Last edited by EvilCookie; 02-24-2013 at 03:25 PM..
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Sounds pretty much like the traditional SAHM where the husband goes out and works to support the family and figures he doesn't have to come home and do the housework, cooking and cleaning, and take care of the children too.

Yes, it's much harder for women who work outside of the home because in most cases, the housework, the cooking and cleaning and caring for the kids still falls on them, even if they came home from an exhuasting day at work, so I wouldn't suggest that in your case. You might ask your husband to hire you a housekeepr and a cook or nanny.
I don't ask him to help with cooking or cleaning or any of it...just spend some one-on-one time with DS so I can get some of these things done and have a bit of time to myself every once in a while. I really don't think it's too much to ask, is it?
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Old 02-24-2013, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
I don't ask him to help with cooking or cleaning or any of it...just spend some one-on-one time with DS so I can get some of these things done and have a bit of time to myself every once in a while. I really don't think it's too much to ask, is it?
I guess it's too much for him in his opinion. I actually am starting to think he's right. The problem comes from your first post. It's like you're timing everything he does for your son. Why don't you also time yourself? He has a full-time job. You are a full-time mom. One son and doing chores for three people in one household is not exactly a very time-consuming job, and should not be. Most toddlers take afternoon naps. What are you doing then when he's napping? That's supposed to be some time for yourself as well.

He's fine with you being a SAHM and provides enough for that to happen. But you expect that he works and spends all his time to relieve you. He also needs some time to rest and for himself, maybe even more than you do. You have problems waking up at 7:30am? What time does your husband wake up? And 7:30am is not even considered early. DW and I wake up before 6am Monday to Saturday, and wake up at 7am on Sundays. How late do you have to stay in bed? It's not your husband's fault that you want to stay late at night. What are you doing after your son is in bed already anyway? You don't want to be intimate with your husband and you already got the whole day to finish whatever chores there are. What's left to do?

FWIW, you will have more time when your son grows older. I don't even see the point of having a SAHM if you only have one child and he's already going to school.
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GoldenTiger View Post
I guess it's too much for him in his opinion. I actually am starting to think he's right. The problem comes from your first post. It's like you're timing everything he does for your son. Why don't you also time yourself? He has a full-time job. You are a full-time mom. One son and doing chores for three people in one household is not exactly a very time-consuming job, and should not be. Most toddlers take afternoon naps. What are you doing then when he's napping? That's supposed to be some time for yourself as well.

He's fine with you being a SAHM and provides enough for that to happen. But you expect that he works and spends all his time to relieve you. He also needs some time to rest and for himself, maybe even more than you do. You have problems waking up at 7:30am? What time does your husband wake up? And 7:30am is not even considered early. DW and I wake up before 6am Monday to Saturday, and wake up at 7am on Sundays. How late do you have to stay in bed? It's not your husband's fault that you want to stay late at night. What are you doing after your son is in bed already anyway? You don't want to be intimate with your husband and you already got the whole day to finish whatever chores there are. What's left to do?

FWIW, you will have more time when your son grows older. I don't even see the point of having a SAHM if you only have one child and he's already going to school.
Re: bolded, yea, that's right, except his job has a start and end time and weekends and vacations and sick days - and mine doesn't! If you've never done it before, believe me when I say taking care of a very stubborn demanding toddler 24/7 is a difficult and stressful job that you never have a break from, you're responsible for another human being 24/7, every single second of the day. Any mom who's been there will tell you it is NOT easy; rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yes, but not easy. So yes, sometimes I do need that break when i can just be on my own and read a book or have a cup of coffee or finish a meal without someone tugging on my sleeve, or jumping up to pull DS off somewhere he's supposed to be, or running off to wipe his butt. Though in 99% of the time I'm not doing any of these things anyways, rather I ask DH to watch DS so I can do some the chores I can't do with him around, like cooking without worrying about him hanging around the hot stove, or cleaning where I don't want him to be breathing in chemicals. If you read my posts, I've said that DS will often not fall asleep until 10 pm or so, by that time I do tend to be wiped out. He does nap sometimes, other times he doesn't, when he does it's usually 1.5-2 hrs and I'll often do some cooking or tidying up, some of that time I do relax but it's not much.

The reason I've counted up the time is just to show that I'm not asking for all that much in total - DH spends at most 1.5 hrs a night with him - out of 24, that means I do the other 22.5 - and if he wakes up at night I of course get up. On weekends, it's a max of 3-4 hours out of 48. I don't think that's an unfair amount to ask. Yet every time I do I get chewed out and insulted.
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:49 PM
 
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I think that a lot of couples have tension over the division of duties when a child is born, it sounds like since you had so much help from your family in the begining, the arguments and tension are starting later.

I think that your weekday schedule sounds pretty typical for a sahm with a toddler. I don't think it's ok that he calls you lazy. I don't think it's ok that he agrees to do certain things but them gets huffy when it's time for him to pull through. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to take his son alone to the park for an hour or two on the weekend so that you can have a break. I think it's pretty ridiculous that he sleeps in until 10am every weekend and expects you and your son to leave the house so that he can relax every weekend morning. You deserve a break too.
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