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You need to show this kid consequences, ex. if he's mouthy or nasty with you, you don't do nice things for him i.e. making him sandwiches. Let him know if he controls himself, then nice things happen. He sounds like a smart kid, it shouldn't take too long to sink in for him, if you are consistent.
The reason he's not smarting off in school or to your dh is, he's smart and knows he can't get away with it. Make it that way with you too!
You said he wanted to be a lawyer. That's a fine ambition but now you can explain to him that to debate is fine but when it becomes arguing then it becomes a problem.
One thing that was pounded in my head by both my parents and my grandparents was this:
Nobody but nobody has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful way. Nip it early!
My one and only arguement with my m-i-l was early in my marriage. She started demanding that I do something for her son and talked to me like I was a servant. She didn't know me very well .
My response to her was this...If you and I are going to get along, you will have to stop talking to me like that, I don't talk to you that way so there is no reason to talk to me that way. I wouldn't even let my OWN Mother talk to me that way. (Which btw my mother never has) I am now my m-i-l's favorite d-i-l.
My son states that all I had to do was look at him and raise my eyebrow and he knew he was on dangerous ground
Bottom line...people treat you how YOU allow them to treat you.
Ah, I noticed that the biological father is involved in this habit. I would have hoped he would support you in not allowing him to talk like that about any adult let alone his mom. I also understand that, that doesn't happen in the real world. So sorry to hear that if that's the case. My boyfriend had this problem and his mother kept a journal of all the things his biological father taught him or said to him about his mom and he learned to repeat. That may not be useful to you since it doesn's sound like it's the case.
Remember too, you don't need to explain everything to him when you discipline. Sounds silly, but don't be so "nice" about it. Just tell him directly how it is and that's it. I feel many parents do too much talking with their kids and allow kids to figure out the loopholes. That doesn't mean talking to our kids is bad. I may have said that wrong. My point is don't allow yourself to too talkie. In timnes of discipline. Make sense?
My son finished a 'nice' converation that I began with him last night, with escalating nastiness. It got bad, I have gotten to my limit-I woke up my husband...I felt like the problem is just getting worse. Son keeps saying how he 'dislikes, disrespects and also hates' me.....and refuses to go to the therapy appt I have set for Monday.....apparently his dad had just prior to this, called him on his cell phone saying 'You don't have to go to therapy, you don't have any issues, your mom is the problem, I know, I was with her for 5yrs'. !!!!!!!! The father is totally going against me, and is not at alll concerned with our son's anger problem.
How rude of the dad to know that there is much tension in this house where my son and my relationship is concerned.....but yet he feels free to add to it....all the while telling son 'you need to be patient and stay at your mom's a little longer until my finances get better'......but at the same time, stirring up more anger in my son which then adds to the tension here!!
Anyway, last night got escalated into a full-blown yelling and name-calling fest, mostly between my husband and my son. Regretfully now, I woke my husband up out of a deep sleep because I was 'losing' it....I see no end to my son's anger and the worst part of it all is that he has expressed no desire to 'fix' our relationship and flat out refuses to go to a therapist. So, yes, I lost it. And then so did my husband. He and my son have had a very good relationship for 11yrs now....and my husband is very non-confrontational, but last night he LOST it. Some things he told my son were that 'he's a spoiled brat, he can't come back here-that he's sick and tired of being used and watching my son verbally abuse his mother, cursing/arguing in front of his 2 little brothers and also son's violence and punching his $400 headboard and other random things out of anger will not go on anymore.......'
Long story short, he told my son 'If your daddy is so great and we're so awful here, then call him right now and have him come pick you and your belongings up!' So he did and it was just awful watching him pack his stuff. Just awful. My son was crying some of the time....saying 'the only thing I will miss here is my little brother and the dog'.......(he hasn't yet really bonded with the littlest brother yet-16mo old, but he's close to the 3yo).
I woke up this morning HATING my husband for the things he said to my son, but went (sobbing) and spoke with someone at church and she helped me by saying, 'you need to make amends with your husband so you're marriage will be saved.....give your son some time to cool off.....and then try to work on things with your son.....you need to keep your current family intact for your other two little boys.....'
I called my son's guidance counselor today, she was great. I briefly explained sons' anger history and last nights events and that son is with his father now whose driver's license is suspended etc etc and she said she'd call son into her office to check his emotional well-being.
Just talked to her on the phone, son was right there at her desk, she wants to get his 'trust' so no secrets. He heard our conversation (well her side of it). She basically told me that son told her that he KNOWS what he says and does is WRONG but he can't control it sometimes. He did express some remorse. She is working on him and the therapy aspect and that he does need it......no matter what his father, friends, teachers etc say......and she told me that I should go to the Monday appt, meet the psychologist, if I like him that I should maybe go one more time alone and by then, my son will likely consent to going.....hopefully.
The guidance counselor is going to check on him next week first thing before school to get an update on how he is doing and then she'll call me.
Any input? I am so sad, I can't bear to go by his room even with the door shut. Why aren't I more mad at him?? I feel like I am being a pushover and hate it......I just want him to be anger-free and have a happy adult life, that's all.
twowolves, I actually see all of this as a blessing. I will try to explain. First, congratulations on your husband. He stepped up and made it very clear that he would not allow your son to treat you with disrespect. Although his words were painful for you to hear, this needed to be done. Kudo's to him. Go tell him you love him, he needs to know you are not angry.
I also think your husband telling him to call his father and go with him was a good idea. It may not be so great with dad once he is actually there with him. He won't know that unless he goes. Like you said he is already showing remorse. Teenagers can explode with hateful remarks. Please don't take it to heart. He is lashing out. I don't know what it is, but your son seems to be having a problem right now and all of this drama is going to bring it to light. Thus the blessing.
You keep that therapy appointment. Talking it all out will help you and give basic details to the therapist.
This is all good. It is coming to a head. This needed to happen before you can fix what's wrong and begin a healing process. Your son loves you. He's just going through something right now.
twowolves, I actually see all of this as a blessing. I will try to explain. First, congratulations on your husband. He stepped up and made it very clear that he would not allow your son to treat you with disrespect. Although his words were painful for you to hear, this needed to be done. Kudo's to him. Go tell him you love him, he needs to know you are not angry.
I also think your husband telling him to call his father and go with him was a good idea. It may not be so great with dad once he is actually there with him. He won't know that unless he goes. Like you said he is already showing remorse. Teenagers can explode with hateful remarks. Please don't take it to heart. He is lashing out. I don't know what it is, but your son seems to be having a problem right now and all of this drama is going to bring it to light. Thus the blessing.
You keep that therapy appointment. Talking it all out will help you and give basic details to the therapist.
This is all good. It is coming to a head. This needed to happen before you can fix what's wrong and begin a healing process. Your son loves you. He's just going through something right now.
Ditto. It's hard for you because he's your son, but I think you know that something needed to happen and that your husband was speaking the truth. He needed to change and this will hopefully be that catalyst.
As for people who say they argue because they "want to be an attorney" I explain to them that when they go to court, they might disagree with someone (for example, a judge) and being disrespectful will end you up in contempt of court. There is a big difference between a disagreement and being disrespectful.
Ditto. It's hard for you because he's your son, but I think you know that something needed to happen and that your husband was speaking the truth. He needed to change and this will hopefully be that catalyst.
As for people who say they argue because they "want to be an attorney" I explain to them that when they go to court, they might disagree with someone (for example, a judge) and being disrespectful will end you up in contempt of court. There is a big difference between a disagreement and being disrespectful.
I agree with you and Beth in that this probably needed to happen, sort of like an alchoholic not being able to quit drinking until they've reached 'rock bottom'....I guess.
My son has never said he wants to be an attorney, I have suggested it many times because of his natural tendency toward argumentativeness...ever since I can remember, he's tended to be 'contrary' especially with me. His bio dad has the same tendency, I know as I lived with him for 5yrs. I guess part of this problem is a genetic tendency towards argumentativeness, and also a bit of exposure to his dad's personality as well as environment-me and him arguing as ever since he was old enough to 'argue' per se, I would get caught up with him in these episodes....atleast that's what my husband has observed ever since he and I began dating.....I guess part of it was because I was a young mother and very imperfect? If I could do it again, I would do it very differently, but as the saying goes, 'what's done is done'.
What is now worrying me, is that I learned from a neighbor whose son is a friend of my son, told me that when she went to pick up her son from wrestling practice at 5pm, that my son was already gone. She then asked her son how my son got a ride from practice (she was being nosy for me) and her son said 'oh, he got a ride from Eddie.' Well, fyi, Eddie is a 16yo kid who is sort of wild from what I can tell, I have met him before. I am so worried because since my son's dad is so irresponsible and has his license revoked due to drunken driving, my son is already on day 1, having to catch rides from 16yr olds....very worrisome. I am assuming that my son is at this time at Eddies house since the dad works to after dark.....and here goes the added worries of 'how is my son eating dinner' and 'doing his homework' and will he get to bed at a decent hour.....who knows when he'll get back to the dad's condo to go to bed..........although it's a Friday night, but I can see already into the future of next week after wrestling practice-my son will probably get rides with this 'Eddie' as his dad is busy with his work and is being driven around by another person as his license is revoked.........
See, I need help! As you can tell!!! All I imagine is my son in a car with a crazy 16yr old driver!!!!! And he is not communicating with me as he hates me....and the dad won't call me or give me the time of day.......it's just a horrible situation to be in. Just horrible.
Thank you all. I have minimal support....pretty much only my husband. And right now, we are both burned out..........
I agree with you and Beth in that this probably needed to happen, sort of like an alchoholic not being able to quit drinking until they've reached 'rock bottom'....I guess.
My son has never said he wants to be an attorney, I have suggested it many times because of his natural tendency toward argumentativeness...ever since I can remember, he's tended to be 'contrary' especially with me. His bio dad has the same tendency, I know as I lived with him for 5yrs. I guess part of this problem is a genetic tendency towards argumentativeness, and also a bit of exposure to his dad's personality as well as environment-me and him arguing as ever since he was old enough to 'argue' per se, I would get caught up with him in these episodes....atleast that's what my husband has observed ever since he and I began dating.....I guess part of it was because I was a young mother and very imperfect? If I could do it again, I would do it very differently, but as the saying goes, 'what's done is done'.
What is now worrying me, is that I learned from a neighbor whose son is a friend of my son, told me that when she went to pick up her son from wrestling practice at 5pm, that my son was already gone. She then asked her son how my son got a ride from practice (she was being nosy for me) and her son said 'oh, he got a ride from Eddie.' Well, fyi, Eddie is a 16yo kid who is sort of wild from what I can tell, I have met him before. I am so worried because since my son's dad is so irresponsible and has his license revoked due to drunken driving, my son is already on day 1, having to catch rides from 16yr olds....very worrisome. I am assuming that my son is at this time at Eddies house since the dad works to after dark.....and here goes the added worries of 'how is my son eating dinner' and 'doing his homework' and will he get to bed at a decent hour.....who knows when he'll get back to the dad's condo to go to bed..........although it's a Friday night, but I can see already into the future of next week after wrestling practice-my son will probably get rides with this 'Eddie' as his dad is busy with his work and is being driven around by another person as his license is revoked.........
See, I need help! As you can tell!!! All I imagine is my son in a car with a crazy 16yr old driver!!!!! And he is not communicating with me as he hates me....and the dad won't call me or give me the time of day.......it's just a horrible situation to be in. Just horrible.
Thank you all. I have minimal support....pretty much only my husband. And right now, we are both burned out..........
Welcome to the world of imperfect mothers! You are not alone. None of us have all the answers. I was a single mother for years. My son and I had our battles too. And just so you know, if I could have done some things different, I would have. But all in all, my son grew up, we made it through all this teenage stuff, and he is now a responsible adult with a family. I am so happy.
Unfortunately, we cannot protect our teenagers 100%. I understand your worry. Your son seems pretty normal for his age. His outbursts toward you is of concern. When you and your son argue, is it over the same things? Perhaps there is a clue. And your ex is of concern due to his drinking. I will hope that your son uses his common sense around his father and his friend. If and when you speak to your son, I would let him know you love him and he is always welcome to come home as long as he does not disrespect you. I would ask him if the two of you can calmly talk to try and find a resolution. No argueing allowed. I wish I had more to offer you right now, but I don't. Perhaps someone else has some helpful ideas. Hang in there. You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps as they say.
I understand that this is a very hard situation for you and you will worry! You are his mother and are doing what you need to be doing!!!
The thing is that you can sit here and wonder, why did this happen? The point is that he's out of control and to stop it before it gets too serious. One thing I heard you mention is that he may have an anger control problem. The thing is that he only has this towards you. That means he is in control enough to keep it in check when he needs/wants to. Also, regarding what people said about ODD. I'm not going to provide a diagnosis, but I can tell you from what you've said that your son doesn't meet the criteria. Again, I know we are asking "why?" but children can't be diagnosed with ODD unless he has the symptoms in more than one setting (e.g., at home and at school). If he's really perfect at school, etc, then that's not what it is. Bottom line, trying to get your son to counseling (with you!) is the best option. He might not agree now, but keep the option out there. I would also outline to him that he can come home when he agrees to go and work on things. As someone suggested, I would take advantage of the counseling for now. You definitly need the support and I know it's hard, but I just want to emphasize that you are doing all that you can do! Hang in there!
Also, when your son realizes that his dad isn't going to make him those extra sandwiches, etc, I'm sure mom's house will be sounding pretty good ;-)
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Huge meltdown last night...
I am so sad, I can't bear to go by his room even with the door shut. Why aren't I more mad at him?? I feel like I am being a pushover and hate it......I just want him to be anger-free and have a happy adult life, that's all. 
I will hope that your son uses his common sense around his father and his friend. If and when you speak to your son, I would let him know you love him and he is always welcome to come home as long as he does not disrespect you. I would ask him if the two of you can calmly talk to try and find a resolution. No argueing allowed. I wish I had more to offer you right now, but I don't. Perhaps someone else has some helpful ideas. Hang in there. You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps as they say. 
