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I hope this topic can be discussed without it becoming a "working parent" versus "stay at home parent" war.
I have some questions for those of you whose children are grown (I'm in that category myself). In looking back, are you happy with how you structured your life, in terms of working outside the home, or being a stay-at-home parent? Are there things you know now that you wished you had known then, that might have helped you achieve a better balance? Would you have done things differently somehow? Have you been satisfied with your life after raising your children to adulthood?
I know my mother is super glad she stayed at home with us.
As we went to school, she expanded her outside activities.
It was great, looking back...three fresh homemade meals, always someone to take us to our various activities, always feeling safe knowing someone was looking out for us.
I had friends I know wished they had the same. I know this because they said so and because they were always at our house.
My MIL regrets having SAH. She was so happy that her dd and ddil's had a choice. She used to tell us (she's still with us but living in a different state) how lucky we were to have choices. That women had no choices in her day.
I also have a SIL and a DS who regret having SAH now that their kids are grown and they have been unable to reestablish themselves in their former careers. Both are working receptionist jobs. One permanently employed and the other flits from temp job to temp job. Both of them will tell you that it was a mistake to give up themselves for their children.
My kids are almost grown (Dd#1 is headed off to college next year). My only regret was not being a little more established in my career when I had them. Unfortunately, I didn't start my career until I was 30 so there wasn't much time to get established. I kind of regret going part time when dd#2 was born. Looking back that was selfish of me and it mommy tracked my career and, ultimately, led to my being downsized out. But I enjoyed that time. It was fun to have the time to play with the kids, keep the house clean, run errands when everyone else was at work, take a nap when the kids napped, read a book in the early morning hours before they got out of bed...I'd love to relive that. I'm not sure it was worth the price but I'd do it again.
I didn't want to clutter up my original post with the details of my situation, so I intentionally didn't include my answer there. But here it is:
For me, I worked 4 days a week even after having my 3rd child, and I was longing to be a SAHM by then. When my youngest was 3, I was excited to be able to quit my job, thinking I would stay home for two or three years until he was in full-day school. Long story short, I ended up staying out of my career for 12 years, to be not just a SAHM but also a homeschooling mom for several of those years.
During those 12 years away from my career, I completely failed to foresee what would happen to me if I ever needed to fully support myself again in the future. And that need did come. When my youngest was 15, my husband and I divorced, and I re-entered my career, very much at the bottom of the ladder.
Sometimes now I look at other people in my field, or old friends of mine, who have progressed very well in their careers, and I do feel a bit jealous, and regretful of my past choices. When I was a young mom, it was hard to grasp that I would have many, many years of my life after motherhood, and I really did not plan well for those years.
On the other hand, my boys are all doing very well in their respective colleges and careers (one an engineer, one finishing his MBA, one starting dental school this fall), so I tell myself that my time spent as a full-time hs'ing mom was a good investment. But I will probably never reach a point in my career where I fully utilize the potential I saw in myself back when I graduated summa *** laude and thought I would return to college for a PhD.
So, in a nutshell, I wish I had always worked at least part-time in my field, and I wish I had continued taking classes part-time toward an advanced degree. I don't beat myself up with regret, but that's how I feel now.
(Ha-ha, the auto-censor is not letting the Latin term for "with highest honors" show up!)
I don't see anything wrong with keeping a foot in the door with respect to your career after your kids go off to school.
I know several people who have done that.
And unless your career is olympic gymnast or something, three or four years out of it don't make much of a difference usually.
My MIL regrets having SAH. She was so happy that her dd and ddil's had a choice. She used to tell us (she's still with us but living in a different state) how lucky we were to have choices. That women had no choices in her day.
I also have a SIL and a DS who regret having SAH now that their kids are grown and they have been unable to reestablish themselves in their former careers. Both are working receptionist jobs. One permanently employed and the other flits from temp job to temp job. Both of them will tell you that it was a mistake to give up themselves for their children.
My kids are almost grown (Dd#1 is headed off to college next year). My only regret was not being a little more established in my career when I had them. Unfortunately, I didn't start my career until I was 30 so there wasn't much time to get established. I kind of regret going part time when dd#2 was born. Looking back that was selfish of me and it mommy tracked my career and, ultimately, led to my being downsized out. But I enjoyed that time. It was fun to have the time to play with the kids, keep the house clean, run errands when everyone else was at work, take a nap when the kids napped, read a book in the early morning hours before they got out of bed...I'd love to relive that. I'm not sure it was worth the price but I'd do it again.
I don't know how old your MIL is but my own mom regrets giving up her career to be a sahm. She worked her way up to management at a major insurance company when she found out she was pregnant. This was in 1970 and back then it was encouraged for women to stay at home. Then when she found out she wanted to go back to work (and needed to because my dad lost his jobs)she found the only available jobs were retail or restaurant. She got a job in a drugstore part time. I have a friend who also took off many years almost 10 I believe)to stay at home and found she could only get a part time job at a grocery store.
I don't know what I would do now personally but saw what happened to my mom and if anything would take a short leave of a few months then return.
I was a stay at home mom,and absolutely do not regret it. I enjoyed it immensely and appreciated the privilege. That said, I had already worked in a career that I also enjoyed for almost 11 years. I did not stay home because I could not handle being in a career and being a mom at the same time-- I stayed home with my son because it felt like the right thing to do for our family. I could have easily returned to a similar position any time in the first ten years, as I was regularly contacted by agencies during that time. I did however occasionally relent and do a freelance job or two for them. It was much more fulfilling to volunteer my talents at my son's school, the neighborhood association, the women's club, and the local university.
I had plenty of time for my son, my husband and myself. I would not change a thing.
I don't see anything wrong with keeping a foot in the door with respect to your career after your kids go off to school.
I know several people who have done that.
And unless your career is olympic gymnast or something, three or four years out of it don't make much of a difference usually.
This. Many people are dealing with this right now anyway, and not to become a SAHP either (not a choice). I had a gap in my employment several years back, and I was hired at quite a competitive rate.
Nope. No regrets. At each step of the way, we did the best we could for the kids. We probably screwed up along the way. We are both working now, so we will be able to afford all the best therapy.
I didn't want to clutter up my original post with the details of my situation, so I intentionally didn't include my answer there. But here it is:
For me, I worked 4 days a week even after having my 3rd child, and I was longing to be a SAHM by then. When my youngest was 3, I was excited to be able to quit my job, thinking I would stay home for two or three years until he was in full-day school. Long story short, I ended up staying out of my career for 12 years, to be not just a SAHM but also a homeschooling mom for several of those years.
During those 12 years away from my career, I completely failed to foresee what would happen to me if I ever needed to fully support myself again in the future. And that need did come. When my youngest was 15, my husband and I divorced, and I re-entered my career, very much at the bottom of the ladder.
Sometimes now I look at other people in my field, or old friends of mine, who have progressed very well in their careers, and I do feel a bit jealous, and regretful of my past choices. When I was a young mom, it was hard to grasp that I would have many, many years of my life after motherhood, and I really did not plan well for those years.
On the other hand, my boys are all doing very well in their respective colleges and careers (one an engineer, one finishing his MBA, one starting dental school this fall), so I tell myself that my time spent as a full-time hs'ing mom was a good investment. But I will probably never reach a point in my career where I fully utilize the potential I saw in myself back when I graduated summa *** laude and thought I would return to college for a PhD.
So, in a nutshell, I wish I had always worked at least part-time in my field, and I wish I had continued taking classes part-time toward an advanced degree. I don't beat myself up with regret, but that's how I feel now.
(Ha-ha, the auto-censor is not letting the Latin term for "with highest honors" show up!)
Your situation is very similar to my sister's situation <<HUGS>>. Her youngest was still in high school when she and her dh divorced. If it weren't for alimony, she'd be homeless.
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