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Old 03-22-2013, 03:05 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,971 posts, read 12,388,074 times
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I know they were just boyfriend/girlfriend, but like my mother told my ex when we divorced. Just because we divorced doesn't mean they couldn't still see and talk to each other. And that suited me fine. There's not a thing wrong with you and your daughter stopping in to see a good friend. Don't let Mom tell you what to do. Sounds like Papi might be a better role model than Granny.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:20 AM
 
7,239 posts, read 12,659,514 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhioChic View Post
I didnt encourage her to call him anything. That was all my mothers doing. The only reason im thinking about it is because he is the only man that has always been there and I think its really important to have a positive male role model in her life.

But I dont want to hurt my mom either.
Honestly, you shouldn't let your mother do that. You are the Mother and you have the final say. I personally don't really care for unrelated people having family titles and I don't really like it when they insist on my kid referring them as Aunt/Uncle, Granma/Nana, Papa (name). Weirdly enough, people that I'm really and actually close to don't bother with the family titles, other than real good family friend, long time family friend.

As for positive male role model... Honestly, you need to start branching out, getting involved with and reaching for all kinds of good people. Not just good male role models. If this man really is a good person, fine... keep him somewhat involved, but get rid of the family connotation title.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:25 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,971 posts, read 12,388,074 times
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Maybe go from Papi to Mr. Jim, or whatever his name is?
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Old 03-22-2013, 05:36 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,297,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
This is my view also. Father Figures on Parade are not a great way to raise your daughter to expect good and lasting relationships with the opposite sex.

Giving him a grandfather like nick name muddles things further. When your mom meets a new man, introduce him as grandma's friend - and nothing more.
Yep. My generation has already been through all this and we know the results. If your parents are 65 or younger, they are Boomers.

Take our word for it -- it is best to move on. You can't grab on to whatever man walks through the door as a role model. Why? Because they may not be around and getting rejected once he leaves and later hooks up with the next woman is a lot worse than letting an 18 month old gradually forget him at her age.

My generation has already dealt with all this with our own kids! We tried the "let's be friends" thing.

Trust me, it gets complicated and that isn't good for children.

You really don't want a bunch of Uncle Daddies in your life. Really.
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Old 03-22-2013, 07:33 AM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,729,393 times
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Is this the same guy you got into a PHYSICAL altercation with when he was drunk and you were pregnant?

If your mother's breakup was a "long time coming" then you did your daughter a disservice letting her get attached in the first place, regardless it sounds like you are more sorry for him.

She's only one and a half, she won't remember. Find someone in your own life to be a positive male role model. If you don't have someone who's likely to be long term, then forget that idea all together and YOU do it.
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Old 03-22-2013, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Finland
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I think either way can work out. On the one hand, if you cut ties now your daughter won't remember and it'll be pretty painless for her but on the other hand I don't think there's a problem in having people in your child's life that aren't necessarily going to stick around (not saying that your mother's ex won't stick around but its of course a possibility). When I was growing up we often had distant relatives or family friends come and live with us on a temporary basis and I formed attachments with them but didn't have a problem when they left again. I think it taught me how to handle "losing" someone from my life which helped a lot when various family members died when I was older.
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Old 03-22-2013, 07:53 AM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,729,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku View Post
I think either way can work out. On the one hand, if you cut ties now your daughter won't remember and it'll be pretty painless for her but on the other hand I don't think there's a problem in having people in your child's life that aren't necessarily going to stick around (not saying that your mother's ex won't stick around but its of course a possibility). When I was growing up we often had distant relatives or family friends come and live with us on a temporary basis and I formed attachments with them but didn't have a problem when they left again. I think it taught me how to handle "losing" someone from my life which helped a lot when various family members died when I was older.
I think that's quite reasonable when there's two parents in the equation.

The problem here is that the OP is looking for a male role model for her child which could prove disastrous and set the kid up for abandonment issues and Daddy figure problems in the future, should that person not work out for whatever reason.
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Old 03-22-2013, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Finland
6,319 posts, read 5,230,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I think that's quite reasonable when there's two parents in the equation.

The problem here is that the OP is looking for a male role model for her child which could prove disastrous and set the kid up for abandonment issues and Daddy figure problems in the future, should that person not work out for whatever reason.
Hmm yeah you have a point there. Nothing wrong with having several male role models but not if they are replacing the daddy figure but I think if the OP's daughter doesn't spend a considerable amount of time visiting the mother's ex then I doubt that will be an issue.

Edit: But I think he shouldn't be referred to as "Papi" or any kind of family figure name, he should just be thought of and referred to as a friend.
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Old 03-22-2013, 08:09 AM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,969,053 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I think that's quite reasonable when there's two parents in the equation.

The problem here is that the OP is looking for a male role model for her child which could prove disastrous and set the kid up for abandonment issues and Daddy figure problems in the future, should that person not work out for whatever reason.
This is spot on. OhioChic, I know you want your little girl to have a positive male role model in her life, but if you just let whoever happens to be around fill that role, your daughter just may grow up desperately seeking, and settling with, whoever looks her way. You don't want that. Make people earn a place in her life, and make them prove that they deserve it. Simply dating you, or dating your mother, isn't anywhere close to good enough. It takes a whole lot more than that.

My daughter was about the age of your daughter the last time she saw her biological father. She doesn't remember him or miss him at all. She misses having a father, but not him in particular. Because she doesn't have a father, she is very quick to get attached to any man around, which is why I DO NOT allow any men around her, and will not unless I know they are worthy and consistent. My daughter, and yours too, are precious gifts that shouldn't be handed over to just anyone who shows interest. If you knew your mother's relationship was heading towards breakup, you probably should have began severing the ties then. Now, I wouldn't advise trying to hang on. He'll get over it and move on, and your daughter will be fine.
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