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Parents need to take time to talk to each child separately as much as possible. It's not always talking behind another's back. The child needs to know that everyone is different, has different needs and sees/understands things differently. It makes for better relations in the family. Actually, it makes the child fit in better with the entire world. WE are different!
If the conversation is only a 2minute meeting while sitting on the back steps, it's valuable because the child becomes aware that the parent sees him/her as an individual, not just one of the group/family.
It's easier for the younger children to see that good behavior pays off when an older child gets an extra hug or kiss. If everyone is treated the same all the time, a lot of child start to say..."why bother?" Unfortunatly, this way of thinking doesn't always get better with age. Of course, the younger one gets a extra kiss too when he's the special one. And he/she has to be the special one at the right time too.
Talking to each child separately is fine, as long as it's not about the other kid. IMO, the kids should not be involved in the parents' discipline decisions. If anything, I might say to the older one, "you were like that at her age", instead of saying "Oh, she'll grow out of this phase".
Look, I understand what you're saying, but some kids are button pushers!....BIG time! I had a button pusher.....but that doesn't mean that he was ALWAYS the instigator. When he was the younger brother, he was CONSTANTLY pushing his older brother's buttons. Punishing both of them would have been just WRONG! He got a friggin charge out of getting his older brother in trouble.
Along comes his younger brother.....ALWAYS starting crap with his younger brother. He'd get things going, then turn around and blame his younger brother for being such a little trouble maker. Nooooo, you need to know your kids and KNOW who is doing the troublemaking. Sometimes it's the younger brother, sometimes it's the older brother. In my sons' case (plural here), it was the MIDDLE brother who was the little button pusher. It's not fair to the ones who are being pestered, then defending themselves, to constantly be in trouble, every time the button pusher is looking for some action.
My hubby went through a period where he actually believed that this particular son was just being picked on by his siblings. Boy did he feel like a dummy when he finally HEARD him in action a couple of times. LOL "Yeah honey, you just keep defending him and he's going to keep it up until he feels like the hated outcast. Let him get away with that button pushing and every one of his siblings are going to HATE him. Do you want them to hate him? No? Then stop wearing those blinders! If you've got one who's always the "common denominator" in the problem...it's probably HIM whose starting it."
Bigger brother needs to learn you do not hit when you encounter a button pusher no matter how mad they make you. Find alternatives. Walk away. Ask parents for help. Roll your brother up in a blanket for he cannot move. Get some duct tape - whatever. Slugging it out is virtually never the answer.
Bigger brother needs to learn you do not hit when you encounter a button pusher no matter how mad they make you. Find alternatives. Walk away. Ask parents for help. Roll your brother up in a blanket for he cannot move. Get some duct tape - whatever. Slugging it out is virtually never the answer.
Absolutely! Slugging it out was NEVER an option and I was blessed to have kids who weren't physically violent. Oh, when they were little, the small ones would occasionally hit an older one, but I always threw out this warning, "You wanna hit? .....because if I catch someone hitting someone else, I'M gonna start hitting. Newsflash, you HIT, you get hit BACK! Keep your hands to yourSELF!"
We did this too. Who started it is irrelevant. If you did not start it, you failed to prevent it. Both will be sitting in their bed the rest of the evening or day.
I remember when I was young my parents did the same thing (I have 4 siblings)...I hated that, and always thought it was very unfair, and it made it very hard to tell them about anything, or feel that I could depend on them for their support should I need it..(not between siblings) but later ,when as a young adult I would have loved to be able to...I've a young friend with 2 children 4 years apart....the older one is very easy going and mellow, and the younger one is all spitfire and get-up-and-go...Quite often I'll see the younger one mercilessly torment his brother until the boy (finally) lashes out, and pushes him away, or whatever..The little one cries, and mama punishes them both...The older one's only avenue of "prevention" is to just not be there...I have 4 children and I think it's pretty easy to figure who did what. I just listened independently to each child and if I couldn't figure it out, neither would be punished, just told to stay away from each other for awhile.
I remember when I was young my parents did the same thing (I have 4 siblings)...I hated that, and always thought it was very unfair, and it made it very hard to tell them about anything, or feel that I could depend on them for their support should I need it..(not between siblings) but later ,when as a young adult I would have loved to be able to...I've a young friend with 2 children 4 years apart....the older one is very easy going and mellow, and the younger one is all spitfire and get-up-and-go...Quite often I'll see the younger one mercilessly torment his brother until the boy (finally) lashes out, and pushes him away, or whatever..The little one cries, and mama punishes them both...The older one's only avenue of "prevention" is to just not be there...I have 4 children and I think it's pretty easy to figure who did what. I just listened independently to each child and if I couldn't figure it out, neither would be punished, just told to stay away from each other for awhile.
It's a fine line, isn't it.....teaching your kids to not be constant tattlers, all while teaching them that you will be there for them...that they should just come and tell you. Yes, I always thought it was unfair the certain kids knew exactly how to get away with doing things to you and yet get YOU in trouble. it's like a double whammy. Oh well....because of living with the same thing as you did, it made me a better parent in some ways, than they were.
It caused me to really, REALLY pay attention to my kids. You can't be there for everything, but you can darn sure make the guilty party accountable for their actions! You can stop the bullying and troublemaking in its tracks. Shoot, even when both kids get into trouble.....you can't always consider that equal punishment. Some kids take getting punished, pretty hard. Some kids couldn't give a rats a$$...doesn't phase them at all.
well now that they are grown I stay out of it . when they were younger I would make one child usually the trouble maker go into another room and calm down , in the meantime i would talk to the other child involved and made sure that they knew that the guilty party would be punished . If they were both guilty time out for both of them and i said nothing and they seemed to have turned out alright . i have one child that always trys to come home when he has a fight with the significant other and I stop them at the door unless it has become physical and then I will allow them to come home for a bit until they get things settled .
well now that they are grown I stay out of it . when they were younger I would make one child usually the trouble maker go into another room and calm down , in the meantime i would talk to the other child involved and made sure that they knew that the guilty party would be punished . If they were both guilty time out for both of them and i said nothing and they seemed to have turned out alright . i have one child that always trys to come home when he has a fight with the significant other and I stop them at the door unless it has become physical and then I will allow them to come home for a bit until they get things settled .
LOL......I've got a 29 yr old who does the same thing. When it comes to outside relationships, I simply tell my kids, "Be very careful what you come home telling your family about your SO. You were there, you know that BOTH of you said things. Later on, when it's all settled down and you're no longer fighting, your family might want nothing to do with your SO and that can be mighty uncomfortable for you. Don't prejudice your family against the person you love.....calm down, think about things, then go and work it out."
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"Yeah honey, you just keep defending him and he's going to keep it up until he feels like the hated outcast. Let him get away with that button pushing and every one of his siblings are going to HATE him. Do you want them to hate him? No? Then stop wearing those blinders! If you've got one who's always the "common denominator" in the problem...it's probably HIM whose starting it." 
Slugging it out was NEVER an option and I was blessed to have kids who weren't physically violent. Oh, when they were little, the small ones would occasionally hit an older one, but I always threw out this warning, "You wanna hit? .....because if I catch someone hitting someone else, I'M gonna start hitting. Newsflash, you HIT, you get hit BACK! Keep your hands to yourSELF!" 
