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HIF Hubby had an excellent question. Who is your son's best friend? If the BF is a nice kid from a nice family, and your son has a nice group of established friends, that it would be one thing. If your son doesn't have a BF at this time, this child may step up and fill that role (something I wouldn't want at this time).
Cil put it best: "I think my son's *other* friends had more influence about it than I ever did. One of them really did not care for this boy, and told my kid exactly how he felt." If your son has nice established acceptable friends, they will step up if the boy in question doesn't fit in with the group dynamics.
My son doesn't have a BF. He's had two since we moved here four years ago and both have moved away. He's trying to find his place, his identity.
One of the things that James did when he was over was whisper to my son when they were upstairs. I was puttering around downstairs and not in their immedite area. I am a pretty open mom and my son is, too. I can't think of anything that they would have to whisper about.
Circumstantial "evidence" all, but I'm going with my gut and not gonna have him over again.
Last night two of my son's new friends from school called and they were collaborating on a writing assigment. His voice was so animated and he had fun with the assignment. Today they made a presentation to the class and he was the presenter of the group. He was also asked for the second time this year to be on an internal TV show they have each morning, even though he has only been in this school two months. Those are the kids I want him to be friends with.
Will he smoke a joint with his buddies before he is an adult? Maybe. Will he stay out past curfew with his friends? Possibly. But should those likely things occur, I want to have a good idea that the parents of the kids he does those things with are on the same page as I am when it comes to the consequences of that behavior. I already know that his parents aren't as vigilent in knowing who her son is spending the night with.
All of you have helped me reach the right conclusion for my family. Thanks for the heartfelt advice. And as for James, I'll say a prayer for him and his family. Maybe those of you who pray will do the same.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HIF
My son doesn't have a BF. He's had two since we moved here four years ago and both have moved away. He's trying to find his place, his identity.
One of the things that James did when he was over was whisper to my son when they were upstairs. I was puttering around downstairs and not in their immedite area. I am a pretty open mom and my son is, too. I can't think of anything that they would have to whisper about.
Circumstantial "evidence" all, but I'm going with my gut and not gonna have him over again.
Last night two of my son's new friends from school called and they were collaborating on a writing assigment. His voice was so animated and he had fun with the assignment. Today they made a presentation to the class and he was the presenter of the group. He was also asked for the second time this year to be on an internal TV show they have each morning, even though he has only been in this school two months. Those are the kids I want him to be friends with.
Will he smoke a joint with his buddies before he is an adult? Maybe. Will he stay out past curfew with his friends? Possibly. But should those likely things occur, I want to have a good idea that the parents of the kids he does those things with are on the same page as I am when it comes to the consequences of that behavior. I already know that his parents aren't as vigilent in knowing who her son is spending the night with.
All of you have helped me reach the right conclusion for my family. Thanks for the heartfelt advice. And as for James, I'll say a prayer for him and his family. Maybe those of you who pray will do the same.
Excellent. What a wonderful barometer you are. If only more parents were as attune to their kids behaviors and needs. You are one smart lady!
But you know what, I just now realized that, when it is up to me and I feel that I have to make a decision right away, I tend to be more knee-jerk in my reponse. One of the things that CD provides is an outlet, a place to bounce thoughts and ideas off of. Whereas I could call a friend and get one view, as well as a subjective response, on here you get a wide range of views and replies. And a good kick in the butt once in a while, something my BF rarely will do.
Let's just hope that our kids don't find a similar forum or we're all in trouble!
My kids are still young, but I try to keep up on what older kids (teenagers) are doing these days, hoping it will prepare me a little as they get older.
I just watched a movie the other day, it was titled Thirteen. The main characters were girls, but I'm sure the roles could easily be reversed. It was written by one of the young girls in the movie, based on her life. What an eye opener. The movie itself had a tendancy to drag on, but I had to keep reminding myself that these characters were supposed to be 13 years old. They were behaving in ways I wouldn't have behaved when I was in my 20s and an adult. It showed how easily a "good" kid can be influenced by a "bad" kid, just to be accepted. I remember seeing the author on a talk shows a few years ago when the movie came out. It's hard to believe it's based on true events.
I have a 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter (also a 9 year old son and a 5 yr old daughter)
You are making the right decision. I have to stop sometimes and think if I am just overreacting when I say no - like the kids accuse me of - and then usually once I stop and break it all down and think about why my mom -o'-meter went off I can usually figure out that my gut reaction was the right one.
My job is to get my kids to the ripe old age of 18 (at least) with all of their limbs and both eyes!! I joke when I say that - but the kids know that sometimes we can debate - but sometimes the answer is no with no wiggle room. Sometimes I'll explain and sometimes I won't. I usually don't explain when it's a reason I don't want the kids - mostly my daughter - repeating to others.
I had to deal with this one recently when she wanted to hang out with a girl who just moved back from her gparents. the girl's parents are bad news and the older sisters are too. This girl got sent to her gmom's for getting caught underage drinking. She's a sweet girl and I feel soo badly for her - but I don't want my daughter exposed to the things that are a regular part of this child's life.
Am I judgemental - you betcha! Can't help it - just am.
On a side note - I do tell the kids that their friends can call anytime and I'll go pick them up rather than drink and drive. My son gave one of his football buddies my business card and he called me in the middle of the night - not my son - he was in bed!
So - it's good to be able to feel good about your choices!
Good job HIF - your son sounds awesome and you are a good mom for seeing to it!!
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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I don't know if I've posted on here before about this, but it's helpful.
I have a really great 16 year old "follower." She is all about her friends.
About two years ago, I put a keystroke logger on my computer. I read everything she types, and I have all her passwords, so when she is at her dad's I can keep up on what's influencing her. She is unaware of this.
On facebook, there was a mention of alcohol by one of her friends. I waited a couple days and when the kids were at my house I opened a candid discussion about drugs and alcohol. I was pleasantly surprised about how open they were with me.
I talk about drug use constantly. If she says she is going to someone's house, I wait 30 mins and drive by the house. I don't trust her to not be talked into doing something else, so I check up on her. She and her friends all know that I'm strict...but they also know they can come to me about anything and I won't get upset; I'll discuss anything with them. "Mommy immunity."
I told her that if she is driving my car and transporting her friends and she gets stopped and they find drugs on her friends....I could lose my car in forfeiture.
She listens, they all listen. They know kids on probation...kids with probation officers. The lead of the musical was recently arrested for underage drinking. I constantly tell her how uncool the whole drunk thing is.
So I read...I have to....got to be vigulant....got to protect them from themselves. And so far, so very good.
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