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Here is the back story to my question. My exhusband and I have been divorced for eight years now but we had a son together who is now going on ten. I live in Mo and the ex and his family live in Tx. I am trying to figure out if I should say something to my ex mother in law to remind her of my sons b-day. My exhusband is currently in jail and has sent a card. My son doesn't know hes in, we just say he's really busy so I put $15 in the card so he looks good. My sons grandma used to be great send cards every holiday and gifts at bday and xmas but now as he has gotten older she doesn't do anything without a reminder and she will only send a card at bday and xmas, and I feel like I should not have to remind her of her only grandsons bday. But I also don't want my son to feel badly about that side of the family. But I feel like I'm doing what they should, they never call, they don't ask for him to visit, when he has visited I drove him to Tx and brought him back home. Its like he is a hassle and I don't want him to realize that they act like this. So do i keep reminding her of this stuff or do I just let him start seeing for himself?
It depends - I have to remind my mom about my kids' birthdays because as she has gotten older and doesn't really have a schedule, days run into each other and she doesn't rememebr dates well. So, I remind her because she wants to do something, she just needs a push. Is there something else going on here? memory loss? Or could be they just don't care which is sad for your son but their loss. Still, I think you should still keep up the charade because he can figure out they don't care (if that is the case) when he's older
I think it's more along the lines of not caring, she's only in her forties which is why it aggravates me. I think the problem is I want her to care and for my sons sake she should. But will he end up being mad at me for covering for them all this time? As far as he thinks, they are great.
I think he's getting to the age where you need to stop covering for grandma (and for dad) and start shifting the balance towards more honest conversations. I think you were right to take those measures when he was younger, but since you may be the only stable, positive adult influence in his life, it's important that he be able to feel he can trust you.
Here is the back story to my question. My exhusband and I have been divorced for eight years now but we had a son together who is now going on ten. I live in Mo and the ex and his family live in Tx. I am trying to figure out if I should say something to my ex mother in law to remind her of my sons b-day. My exhusband is currently in jail and has sent a card. My son doesn't know hes in, we just say he's really busy so I put $15 in the card so he looks good. My sons grandma used to be great send cards every holiday and gifts at bday and xmas but now as he has gotten older she doesn't do anything without a reminder and she will only send a card at bday and xmas, and I feel like I should not have to remind her of her only grandsons bday. But I also don't want my son to feel badly about that side of the family. But I feel like I'm doing what they should, they never call, they don't ask for him to visit, when he has visited I drove him to Tx and brought him back home. Its like he is a hassle and I don't want him to realize that they act like this. So do i keep reminding her of this stuff or do I just let him start seeing for himself?
While I so understand your mother bear instinct to protect your son's feelings , it's a mistake to continue to do so.
The better course of action is to gently tell him the truth - then help him to develop good coping skills for dealing with the reality.
Doing THIS will serve him far more in the long term than overprotecting him ever will.
Grandma raised a son that is in jail. I'm sure she's not happy about that. There maybe a couple different things going on here. First, I'm guessing she knows that you son is not aware of his father being in jail. Perhaps she fears letting it slip should she call him or make an effort to see him. As for a visit, well--it would be pretty hard to explain her son's absence. Perhaps she doesn't want to lie about the current location of her son (your son's dad.)
Contact with your son may also bring up some negative feelings for her related to her own son's current jail time. She may feel guilt about her own parented related to her son and may feel like a failure.
Is it right that she ignores your son? Absolutely not, but she does. You can't make other adults act or do what you want for your son. If there is a reason to call, you might mention it to her in a subtle way. Something like, "Oh, I'm taking Son to xyz for his birthday or I'm making Son a chocolate cake for his birthday. He loved the one you made for him."
The bigger issue is the lie you're telling your son. Children have a right to know the truth about the family situation. He has the right to know about his dad being in jail. I understand why you feel this is best, but your lie to him will be far more damaging to him than the lack of a birthday card from his grandmother. Someday it will come out, and he will be angry with you for the lie. It's better to be proactive here and mitigate the damages.
I wouldn't SAY anything denigrating about that side of the family, but I WOULD let him begin to see for himself. Sooner or later, he's going to find out, and it would be a lot more hurtful to suddenly be slapped with reality than it would to learn for himself and have you there to turn to. I think kids are a lot smarter and tougher than what we give them credit for. As long as he has a good mother, which it seems he does, he will learn to live with not having the greatest father or grandmother, and he will be fine.
That is a situation due to failed marriage. Marriage breaks down and so does the extended family. Absence sometimes does not make the heart grow fonder. Remind the grandmother...Birthdays are very important - they are a celebration of a birth. It's sad that people separate- I could never as a father even dream of living apart from my kids when they were young.
I remember going through a rough period and my wife suggested that I leave and see the kids on weekends- I never had kids to become some goof with a check in hand sitting at the end of the driveway on a Saturday morning. I left briefly and weaseled my way back into our home...and in total put in 27 years....I do not want to brow beat divorced people...BUT - once you have kids- Your personal need do not apply. Being old school- You bring a child into the world- then BOTH of you do the time and do your duty...other than that....if you have failed in a marriage - do not fail in the relationships with those you connected with during the marriage.
Be generous emotionally and make the best of it....Remind grandma and if you could- go visit...don't wait for someone to call who may have simply forgotten..be proactive...The grandparents might not by YOUR family - but they are the child's family.
On grandma's birthday let your 10 yr old call her and wish her a happy birthday or Merry Christmas. Sometimes children will make the adults stop acting like children.
She's 40 and that isn't old. I'm 35 and don't forget my neice and nephews birthday. I'm thinking there is bitterness towards you. Or the grandmother is reminded that her son is a screw-up when she thinks about her grandson.
On grandma's birthday let your 10 yr old call her and wish her a happy birthday or Merry Christmas. Sometimes children will make the adults stop acting like children.
She's 40 and that isn't old. I'm 35 and don't forget my neice and nephews birthday. I'm thinking there is bitterness towards you. Or the grandmother is reminded that her son is a screw-up when she thinks about her grandson.
Very good advice. I was imagining an old lady of 75- a 40 year old is a young person...The child's grandmother probably believes YOU are the reason for the break down...and she might be subtly punishing you- Time to make friends...setting an example of good and kind behavior by having the 10 year old call her is very intelligent. A child of 10 needs family..The grandmother is young enough to be his mother...You have time on your side as far as life and the future- make friends as I mentioned. Personally I just got word that I will have a granddaughter soon...I called up everyone and let them know WE will have someone sweet to hang out with and we can share.
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, it's a mistake to continue to do so.
