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So in practice only #2 or #3 could happen. If #2 happened, then no harm no foul, but if #3 happened it would be counterproductive. The OP's family would have less opportunity to keep an eye on things and make sure the girls are OK (through keeping the lines of communication open and through visiting to see how the girls are doing in person). Speaking up won't keep the girls on the West Coast, it won't make the girls any safer (it will either maintain the status quo or make them less safe), and it won't strengthen the relationship between the OP and the SIL (it will either maintain the status quo or damage it). The only possible upside is that the OP will feel good that she's shared her misgivings, and I for one don't think that's worth the real risks of speaking up here.
I suspect that you disliked your MIL as much as I dislike mine. I get it and mine is still alive. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider whether her advice will actually benefit my child. Fortunately, the nutso lady has decided that she doesn't ever want to speak to me (for reasons in her old mind) along with a number of other people that she has written off her communication list. LOL. She has to do her, I guess.
Seriously, though, for me, it is not about who it comes from. The Bible says you can learn something from even a FOOL in some cases. Your comment about cleverness indicates that you despised that she was trying to manipulate you. I would have simply and gently told her woman to woman that my goal is to do what is best for my child so please be direct with me so that I can ensure that I understand the full scope of her viewpoints. After her discussing her viewpoint with me, I would have thanked her acknowledging her years of experience, and told her that I will take it back to my husband and we will make a decision. I would come back to her and let her know our decision after it was made. Basically, I would handle the situation as two adults handle things.
You asked why an adult has to be "humble" in circumstances. MY reason for being humble is bc the Bible says that sometimes you have to shut your mouth and open your ears when you are trying to consider a point. To say that it comes from your **MIL** and you are not going to listen and she tries to cleverly give you advice that you do not want has NOTHING to do with whether the advice is good for your CHILD. I stay focused on what is best for my child, not where the information comes from.
With regard to your last question, we were doing what you would consider to be just meddling and causing more stress for my sister. Although I'm sure that my niece was happy that she didn't have to repeat a few grades in elementary school. We sure did cause stress for her mommy, though. Stress until she got it together, that is. No, it was not physical danger. It was more like school failure, lack of age-appropriate oversight of a young child, leaving a child with a new boyfriend, etc. You know, harmless stuff that never ends up hurting the child. Stuff that you would have just said, well, she's not mine. Hope all goes ok.
I haven't been in a place with someone like a sister where I thought I would need to intervene like you did. It sounds like your family though leads their life a bit differently than ours does in the respect that you are even in the position to know all of these details. If someone in my extended family is leaving kids with new boyfriends, etc., I wouldn't know(although I don't think any such situations are occurring.) I wouldn't automatically know about school failures etc. I can't say I wouldn't do anything, just haven't been in that position. But it sounds like in some respect, you were drug in to the situation with your sister, which is different than what is going on in the OP>
@Lovelysummer, I had some comments that I'd meant to include in my earlier post regarding comments about MILs.
Most of what my MIL did with me was to find a way to cleverly express her PREFERENCES, not give actual advice that was warranted.
I'd construe advice as...."The baby feels hot and has spots that looks like chickenpox, maybe you should call the doctor" . That wasn't what she did. She expressed her preferences about what I should name my baby, or distaste for the idea I might consider private school, etc., etc. I didn't desire her opinions about decisions that only involved my husband and I.
What would you do in her place? You're a widow with kids, you remarry, your husband is transferred across the country. What would you do??
If I became a widow, for me I'm not sure I could see myself remarrying very soon. I'd have no problem moving though across the country, if I thought it was the right decision.
I was more concerned with the effect of moving away from the family they're close to 6 months after losing their father. There's no damage from that?
Even if there was huge damage, you really think anything you can say will have a difference?
Save your breath and your time.
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