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I am a little disappointed in my Father, but I'm unsure if I have reason to be disappointed, or if I have unrealistsic and unfair expectations.
I am from the UK and have lived in the US for over 10 years after marrying my American husband. I am in my mid 30s if this makes a difference. In July of 2012 my husband and I had a baby girl.
Both my husband's and my parents are divorced, so as you can imagine we have quite a lot of guests - my Mother visited once while I was pregnant and has been over 3 times since the baby was born, my Mother in law has come up 4 times and we have been there once, and my Father in law has been up twice to see her. Both in laws live about a 6 hour drive away.
My Father on the other hand has only been here once just before Christmas.
My birthday was last week and for my birthday my Father sent me a book on the history of the company he worked for before he retired which is quite typical of him - he's not that good at imagining what other people might like. I am actually reasonably interested in reading bits of it which I think may mention him, but it's hardly the most thoughtful gift.
I asked him if he was planning another visit over here and he said no as his (awful) wife's Mother is having trouble acclimating to her apartment after a week in hospital and they feel they need to be there in case of an emergency. No matter that they live hours away from his wife's Mother and she has another daughter who lives 5 minutes away.
Listen, I get it - we just lost my Grand Mother a couple of weeks ago, I know how difficult it is with elderly people and how tough it can be to get away when they are having issues, but my Mother managed it 4 times in the past year and a half.
I guess I feel a bit hurt - he missed most of my childhood and now he's missing his grand daughter's as well.
So am I being unreasonable? It's not his kid, we are the ones who live in a different country, I'm an adult and shouldn't worry about such things, etc.
Or do I have a point?
For the record he is a highly educated person but is completely impossible to talk to. He can only see things from his own point of view. Explaining doesn't seem to help.
Any thoughts? How much interest in your kids do you expect from your parents?
You admit he was not a great father. Why would he suddenly become a terrific grandfather? And overseas to boot?
The thing is ... you do have a point. I mean, you are hurt. But really what's happening is that you are mourning the childhood you did not have, and now you realize that your baby also will not have that much of a relationship with your dad.
It sounds like you are able to handle this ... odd relationship very maturely. It is a shame, but it is reality. Expectations will make you MISERABLE when dealing with others. I would take what you can get from him and not expect much more.
I would not say you are being unreasonable..... I could see why that hurts very much!!!
But being that this is how your father has always been, it's unlikely he will change, especially from the other side of the ocean.
I am sure that does not make it hurt any less though, I am sorry!
Enjoy the wonderful family you do have around you, and just keep your expectations realistic when it comes to your father. I am sure he loves you all very much in his own way, as much as is possible for him. He just shows it differently.
You admit he was not a great father. Why would he suddenly become a terrific grandfather? And overseas to boot?
The thing is ... you do have a point. I mean, you are hurt. But really what's happening is that you are mourning the childhood you did not have, and now you realize that your baby also will not have that much of a relationship with your dad.
It sounds like you are able to handle this ... odd relationship very maturely. It is a shame, but it is reality. Expectations will make you MISERABLE when dealing with others. I would take what you can get from him and not expect much more.
Your post has actually brought tears to my eyes. You have it pegged I think. Somehow I got used to never having the relationship with him that I would have liked and have accepted it for me. Accepting it for my baby is even harder because I feellike she deserves so much more.
DH and I are both only children so no aunts, uncles or cousins, and I guess no grandfather either.
I am mad at him I think. I just don't understand why he is letting his most important relationships pass him by. I accepted a long time ago that I couldn't change him and thought I had accepted completely that he doesn't have much to give, but I accept what he can. This has muddied the water for me. I accepted half a relationship for myself, but I now have to work on accepting it for our child which is much harder for some reason.
He lives in the UK? I think you may be expecting a bit much. That's a big expensive trip. Maybe you should go visit him before expecting him to visit you again.
Both my parents live in the UK, just not together!
We will try and make a trip soon - we would have done so earlier, but our now happy baby used to have terrible reflux and colic, so making the trip was inconceivable until recently and my husband's work makes getting away difficult and I am too much of a coward to fly with a very spirited 9 month old by myself for the first time!
We are trying to plan a trip to the UK for July or August.
I am mad at him I think. I just don't understand why he is letting his most important relationships pass him by. I accepted a long time ago that I couldn't change him and thought I had accepted completely that he doesn't have much to give, but I accept what he can. This has muddied the water for me. I accepted half a relationship for myself, but I now have to work on accepting it for our child which is much harder for some reason.
Having a baby of your own is so very enlightening.
Our backgrounds sound very similar. I also am an only child and have had a rocky relationship with my mother. Once I had my own children, I understood our relationship from the perspective of a parent instead of only that of a child.
My definition of what was acceptable or not changed when I had a baby. But I also understood that my mom was also an adult and I could not influence or change her behavior to suit me any more than I would let her change mine. Just because the birth of my baby made her a grandmother, she did not actually CHANGE.
Knowing this doesn't make living that relationship any easier. My best advice is to keep communication very honest and clear with all your parents. Keep your baby's welfare at the forefront. It sounds like you have thus far resisted the temptation to act vengeful or hold grudges. Don't let that cloud things.
Just give to others what you would want to get from them, whether they give it or not.
My dad wasn't very involved in our lives after a certain age. When my parents divorced he pretty much viewed his step kids as his own. He doesnt have a relationship with my child at all. For awhile he actually called my son by the wrong name. "So how is Jake?" Umm...his name isn't Jake, dad (not even close). It bothered me since he was pretty involved in his step grandchildren's lives and seriously how freaking hard is it to remember my child's name? I found that to be the most disrespectful. I think he did it on purpose because he felt that I should have named my son after my husband. I just had to accept that is how he is. His loss.
Be glad for what you have. At least your Dad was there once. When my son was born he had only one living GrandParent She was a very loving person but in quite bad health. Sounds like your Dad is acting just like he did when you were a child.Should you expect any difference?
Be glad for what you have. At least your Dad was there once. When my son was born he had only one living GrandParent She was a very loving person but in quite bad health. Sounds like your Dad is acting just like he did when you were a child.Should you expect any difference?
I wouldn't be glad for it. I have a mother who is overly present but is an absolute witch, and I have a father who I have never been in contact with. I am more grateful to have the lack of any relationship than a toxic one, or a negligent one like the OP is dealing with. I also had one awesome grandmother who raised me, and I wish she were still here today.
I'm sorry, OP. If you are on good terms with him otherwise, have you tried using Skype with him (and the other grandparents)?
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