Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is a spin off of the other thread where the SIL was going to move far away.
Do you think there is an obligation to stay close to your family, so they can have a better chance of getting to know grandchildren etc.?
It sounds like you are asking what the responsibility is to the grandparents wrt seeing grand kids. I think that is the lesser concern to facilitating relationships that are good for the kids.
It sounds like you are asking what the responsibility is to the grandparents wrt seeing grand kids. I think that is the lesser concern to facilitating relationships that are good for the kids.
Yes.
Which leads me to the question is the kid damaged by not having such a close relationship to grandparents or extended family. I don't think so, but it that seems to be the point some are making in the other thread.
Which leads me to the question is the kid damaged by not having such a close relationship to grandparents or extended family. I don't think so, but it that seems to be the point some are making in the other thread.
It depends entirely on the family. While I would not say my kids would be damaged, exactly, they have a terrific relationship with my in-laws that I would move mountains to facilitate a relationship between them. But the label "grandma" does not a relationship make imo.
It depends entirely on the family. While I would not say my kids would be damaged, exactly, they have a terrific relationship with my in-laws that I would move mountains to facilitate a relationship between them. But the label "grandma" does not a relationship make imo.
I agree just the relationship doesn't make a relationship.
My own take on the other thread was the OP was trying to frame the situation would be that the kids would be damaged by moving away, but when in reality perhaps thought the SIL had an obligation to stick around to facilitate the relationship. I could be wrong, though. Perhaps I thought she tried to frame her OP more of what her family could do for SIL's kids as opposed to what the SIL sould be doing for the deceased brother's family.
It depends entirely on the family. While I would not say my kids would be damaged, exactly, they have a terrific relationship with my in-laws that I would move mountains to facilitate a relationship between them. But the label "grandma" does not a relationship make imo.
It does depend entirely on the family. The responsibilities work both ways as well, I think.
For me, when I was a kid, I spent my childhood living far away from my Grandmother (maternal) because my father was in the Air Force. Now for my brother, since he was 9 years older, it was different at least in his early childhood and he spent those early years living in the same town as his Grandmother as well as Aunts and Uncles and Great Aunts and Great Uncles who were all involved in his life. When my family (before I was born) moved away -- to Japan actually-- everyone went to great lengths to keep in touch and keep those relationships strong.
I was born in Japan and then moved around the States when I was very little until we re-settled in Texas. My Grandmother was still far away, because her husband was also Air Force and worked at the Pentagon, but I was always closes to her because everyone made a concentrated effort. It helped that my Grandma had more financial resources, but she always called and talked to me on the phone. Sometimes she'd record her voice on a cassette tape and would just 'talk' to me and send me the tape. We spent every other Christmas at her house despite the cost of flying and as I got a little older I spent half of each summer at her house in Maryland... flying up with my brother then later without him as he got older and didn't want to go. So I always felt like I had a close relationship with her despite growing up over 1500 miles away.
Now, for a totally different perspective, my two older kids have a really non-existent relationship with their paternal Grandparents... even though their Grandparents only live 300 miles away, own a travel agency, and have plenty of financial resources to facilitate frequent visiting. They are just not the type to put a priority on having a relationship with them. They don't know what they are missing out on! They are pretty close with the "other" grand-kids (my ex brother in law's kids) who live in their same city. Out of sight, out of mind with my two, I guess. They do send birthday and Christmas cards and when my boys would go visit their father (only 2 or 3 times a year) they spent a little time with them but it was nothing like it was for me growing up half way across the country from mine. They don't know anything at all about the boys as people and there was only so much I could do about it before giving up.
When there is a great distance, then having a relationship has to be everyone's priority.
We moved a 12 hour drive away from family, due to the cost of living and the NYC area being inundated with engineers, resulting in crappy pay and job prospects. If we didn't move, we really would not have felt financially stable enough to have kids, so even if we stayed (and trust me, the grandparents never once came to our apt when we lived 30 minutes away when it was just us) we wouldn't have had kids. For our future family, we made the right choice.
We moved, had kids, and the grandparents all started moaning and complaining about it not being fair. If they want to see us, we can Skype, or they can come down to visit. We're not subjecting three kids age three and under to a 12 hour car drive, nor are we flying considering the costs and necessary cargo. They do visit - and that is fine. People who are retired and live comfortably can make that choice. I wouldn't expect it of young families who have enough to deal with when raising kids.
Which leads me to the question is the kid damaged by not having such a close relationship to grandparents or extended family. I don't think so, but it that seems to be the point some are making in the other thread.
I don't think so, either. Some kids don't even have grandparents. Some grandparents die young, or get divorced and the kids don't see one (or more) grandparents ever again, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally_Sparrow
It does depend entirely on the family. The responsibilities work both ways as well, I think.
<snip>
When there is a great distance, then having a relationship has to be everyone's priority.
Exactly! My parents seemed to feel it was our responsibility to go to Pennsylvania to visit them rather than theirs to ever come here to CO. One time, when the kids were fairly young but neither could fly for free any more, my mom asked when our plane was getting in for a planned trip, and I sent her the itinerary from the travel agency (remember those?). Anyway, it had the price we had paid for the tickets (~$1000 for four and this was back in the late 80s/earlier 90s some time) and they said they were shocked and that 'next time' they would come out to see us. After that, they came about every other year. My feeling is that especially once the grandparents are retired, they have more time to travel than the parents do. When my kids got into high school, we were so busy with HS sports and other activities, plus the kids' summer jobs, it really was hard to travel. We did go to PA every other year.
I feel like I missed out on not having extended family close when I was a kid (both sides lived in different countries from us) and I was jealous of my friends having close relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins so because of that I feel guilty that my own child is so far away from her extended family (my side in a different country and her dad's side just far away because of cutting contact) but I still think its more important to make the choice to live somewhere that is best for your own immediate family even if it means limiting contact with extended family.
Nope. We moved 1,300 miles away from family, and it was the best thing we could have done. We've grown immeasurably since leaving the extended nest, so to speak, and our kids are thriving, knowing that we're where we want to be. I tell them all the time that they can live wherever they want when they're older. I want them to follow their dreams, not my dreams. The world is so small nowadays; you can hop on a plane and be anywhere in the world in a matter of hours (or a day, if it's really far!), you can Skype anyone in the world for free, call anyone in the USA on a long distance plan, text anyone in the world for free, or nearly so (with an app like WhatsApp), etc. The kids can know their extended family no matter where you live.
You know what, it really depends on your personal relationship with your immediate family and if these relationships are something you can't do without close up and personal on a regular basis. If your parents are the type that you have to make an appointment to visit and only live 20 minutes away, don't like babysitting, don't do lunch or shopping with your Mom, mainly just see on holidays....then move. They aren't going to change just because you have a child. But, to me if you have very close and healthy relationships with your immediate family and would help nurture your children as they did you, I would think twice about leaving them. Of course the job opportunity of a lifetime with significant pay would allow you to fly often to visit.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
They don't know anything at all about the boys as people and there was only so much I could do about it before giving up. 
