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Old 05-04-2013, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,088 posts, read 37,733,259 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN View Post
Too bad for them. Keep the feelings for themselves. They might go underground, as long as I was the one paying, they would be home at decent hours and only top grades would be accepted.
LOL

Ok so they CAN date ... As long as you don't know about it and they make A's.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:57 AM
 
4,541 posts, read 9,499,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN View Post
Well, I don't want kids, so it doesn't really matter but I always knew when my brother had a girlfriend long before he would tell me. It's just impossible to go unnoticed to close family.
Probably a good thing then.

And frankly, one example, being your brother, does not represent all teens or college students and their behavior while dating.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:58 AM
 
681 posts, read 990,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
LOL

Ok so they CAN date ..,
They could, if it didn't have terrible consequences. But because it usually has, they can't.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop View Post
And frankly, one example, being your brother, does not represent all teens or college students and their behavior while dating.
It happens with everyone I know. Missing classes, grades reaching rock bottom, it's fairly typical.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,500 posts, read 3,754,840 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanderling View Post
Do the kids go to the same school?
They do not. She goes to a much smaller school (50ish kids K-12...one room school style) in the next town over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I would suggest a meet-up with the six of you all in the same room so you son can witness all of this himself. If he gets the news second-hand from you, he may not trust it and will inevitably want to hear from the GF. This "desire for the 'truth'" will impel him to see her just to "hear her side."
I would love to dump this back on them ...however, they have washed their hands of it. The call yesterday from the dad was the "final word" and they will not be answering calls from us or him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Parenthood is not for wimps, that's for sure.

The thing is, your son will be just fine once he gets over this upset because he has loving parents who are going to make sure of it. Good for you.

Pity that poor girl With such controlling parents she is doomed to making some pretty miserable choices and having a very unhappy life unless or until she eventually develops her own sense of self.

As for breaking the news to your son - the important thing here, I think, is that you are very honest with him about how strongly you disagree with her parents doing this, how unfair you know it is to him and how angry you are that someone is hurting him this way. He really needs to know and feel that you are on his side.

This is truly going to be a teachable moment - so do be ready to help him learn okay?

Once you have expressed your own anger and frustration so that he feels supported, you then have to help him understand that even though you don't agree with the parents tactics, they ARE her parents and this is their right to handle things this way. This is a good time to remind him that "life is not fair" and sometimes we just have to accept that and move on.

Tell him that he is a young man you are extremely proud of and that you want to help him continue to grow into the man he is already becoming. Emphasize to him that part of being a man is learning how to take the tough blows that sometimes come your way WITHOUT lashing out to hurt others or yourself no matter how angry or hurt you are.

Don't be shy about telling him what you expect of him - which is to handle this as maturely as you know he can. Kids WILL live up to our expectations, so don't let him think you expect him to do something reckless! Do let him know that you expect him to be angry and that that is okay, but that you also expect him to make a choice to handle this like a man.

Keep him close for a few days and don't wait for him to talk about his feelings - mention to him often how hard you know this is and how much you love him. Even if he pulls away or withdraws from you just be around and keep reminding him you are there.

The very best of luck to you. I'll say an extra prayer on Sunday for him!
Excellent advice all the way around. Thank you for the extra prayer...certainly couldn't hurt .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beat_the_Streak_MLB View Post
I would just pretend that the parents never called and let the daughter tell your son directly.
I will not do that. We expect him to be honest with us. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I get caught deliberately lying to him. How does that foster trust?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beat_the_Streak_MLB View Post
Yes, it's their right to choose to handle it that way.

However, you have the right to not listen. The parents aren't even obligated to pass that along to the son.

Unless the girl is like 13 or younger, they're not going to sue you if he makes another phone call to her.
Again, I am not going to deceive my son over this. She is 16 (turns 17 this summer). He turned 17 today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
I wouldn't say anything. Wherever and however they are seeing each other now they will continue to see each other and the girl can explain it. At 16-17 mommy and daddy shouldn't be part of their kids romantic life except as a support system. Nobody breaks up with their child on behalf of their bf/gf's father....

Are you guys all overly and ridiculously religious? I only ask because this sounds like one of those weird courting things where dad chooses the mates for his daughters.
I agree that I should not be involved with talking (mediating) with his girlfriend's parents. Not sure how we got to this point, but it is ridiculous. We are not religious, nor are her parents. I believe they are just so used to controlling everything that they freaked out the first time something came along in their oldest daughter's life that they couldn't control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
You really have no choice other than to tell your son of the phone call. With parents like that, they might try to pursue some sort of legal action such as stalking, even if ridiculous, against your son should he try to contact the girl.

I would simply say, We received a call from girlfriend's father. He has said you are not to have any contact with girlfriend." Explain to him that you agree the situation is ridiculous. You know that this is hurtful to him, but he should try not to take it personally. This would be the action of the girl's parents no matter who the boy was. Help him work through his feelings, and even agree with him, but warn him to stay away. Unfortunately our country has become one where people abuse the court system. With overbearing parents such as these, it's not hard to imagine they would pursue legal actions. That alone is enough reason for him to stay away.
The father already eluded to the fact that he would consider a restraining order to keep them apart. Truth is, if he got one against my son...I would get one against his daughter. I will not allow this idiot father to ruin my son's life by giving him a legal record.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN View Post
People that age should be encouraged to study, not distract themselves.
No kids of mine would date until they were out of university, unless they were already completely financially independent.
Good luck enforcing these ideas... when your future children are teenagers, I truly hope you are still around on CD to let us know how this worked out for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post


I beg to differ...they could press charges against him for harassment, trespassing, stalking - a number of things if they wanted to, and they do sound like the kind of people who would be that extreme.

Life is NOT fair and right now the girls parents hold all the power.
I am convinced they would do these things out of spite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by toobusytoday View Post
I would call the parents back up and tell them that their daughter needs to talk to your son. I have no idea why parents would be involved in this. It is neither her parents place or yours to pass this information along.
I do not believe that she wants to break up with my son. I believe her parents have browbeat her into saying so. Basically, her parents have decided they can't see each other, so instead of telling him directly, they have told us.


I think he will not accept that she is "ok" with the break up (as her father said) and will try to get ahold of her. I think her father will threaten legal action of some sort (restraining order), but I will threaten right back. I think I will have to intercept a few nasty calls from said father because my son is trying to hear it from his girlfriend. I will tell him that he is foolish to think my son was supposed to accept earth-shattering news from a 3rd hand (gf to father, father to us, us to him). Not sure what will happen. I believe there will HAVE to come a point where my son is allowed to talk the gf just so there can be some closure (as long as she tells him exactly what her parents script for him) otherwise, she may break down an admit to him that they forced the breakup and she never wanted it to happen.

I know that I am in for very rough next few weeks...
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:25 AM
 
681 posts, read 990,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
Good luck enforcing these ideas... when your future children are teenagers, I truly hope you are still around on CD to let us know how this worked out for you.
I won't have kids but you just need to cut off their money and you see them going back on track.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,082,030 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN View Post
I won't have kids but you just need to cut off their money and you see them going back on track.
Parents who do this to an otherwise good kid are very manipulative and the family relationships are usually not very emotionally healthy.

Really Jay, since you are not a parent and apparently don't wish to be one, I am curious as to why you are on the parenting forum?
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:29 AM
 
4,541 posts, read 9,499,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayN View Post
It happens with everyone I know. Missing classes, grades reaching rock bottom, it's fairly typical.
Well then maybe it's just the people you know and hang around with because believe it or not, it's not fairly typical.

And for the record, I have a son at college.

OP, I feel for you. Not that it makes things any easier, but I would venture to say he's dodging a bullet and this would have come to a head sooner or later. Just be there for him!
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:32 AM
 
681 posts, read 990,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Parents who do this to an otherwise good kid are very manipulative and the family relationships are usually not very emotionally healthy.

Really Jay, since you are not a parent and apparently don't wish to be one, I am curious as to why you are on the parenting forum?
Parents who do this are the most worried about the kid's future. They might hate their parents but at least they won't be jobless.

Unless there's a sign saying you can't come here unless you have kids, I can visit any section I want.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:37 AM
 
12,454 posts, read 27,084,912 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
hmmmm....are you a parent yet my friend?

You do not seem to understand the gravity of the situation, no offense

The boys parents HAVE to be involved because the girls parents have made it clear that he cannot see or talk to her.

THEY are in control. Our OP is doing HER JOB, which is to educate and protect her child to the best of her ability.

She HAS to pass along what the parents have requested or risk her son being accused of criminal activity such as stalking. All these very tightly wound parents have to do is call the police and file an official report, and before you know it, our OP and her family could be out thousands of dollars in lawyers fees to protect their son and his reputation.

She is indeed doing her son a huge favor by trying to handle this as sensitively and intelligently as possible.
Am I a parent? Yep. Three kids, youngest in College. Two of my three dated in HS. My youngest has been going out with his GF for several years and there were a few instances when I wanted to call her parents or otherwise butt in but I didn't because I knew it was none of my business. How many teenagers have you had experience with?

By calling the parents back up, the OP is showing her son and his GF respect and letting the controlling parents figure out what to do. Honest to goodness, in my 28 years of parenting, I've never heard of one set of parents telling another set of parents to actually break up a couple. I call manipulation of parents here and I would not let it happen.
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