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parents advised me to and since they were paying tuition i kind of had to. Neither she or I liked the idea nor did we think very much of it at the time.
So, you two were coerced into signing it. Hmmm... I'm no lawyer, but, I believe the pre-nup can be invalidated under that circumstance. Another reason to see a lawyer. All the more reason to just accept this situation that is never going to change and just deal with it.
ETA: so... why didn't you ever rip up the agreement once you graduated??????
parents advised me to and since they were paying tuition i kind of had to.
No, you didn't. You chose to sign it. You chose to let someone else pay your tuition. You chose to go to a school far from your wife and child. You chose to be away from them for six years.
You've made one excuse after another for what has happened in your life and the situation you are in now. All the results of choices YOU have made. Through this whole thread someone else (mostly your wife) has been to blame for everything that has happened in the last 18 years. Mercy, you even blamed a type of lock for something.
Did you never learn about the concept of taking responsibility for your actions and not shifting the blame to someone else?
Last edited by DewDropInn; 07-18-2013 at 01:34 PM..
No, you didn't. You chose to sign it. You chose to let someone else pay your tuition. You chose to go to a school far from your wife and child. You chose to be away from them for six years.
You've made one excuse after another for what has happened in your life and the situation you are in now. All the results of choices YOU have made. Through this whole thread someone else (mostly your wife) has been to blame for everything that has happened in the last 18 years. Mercy, you even blamed a type of lock for something.
Did you never learn about the concept of taking responsibility for your actions and not shifting the blame to someone else?
Not to mention, like the guest house, this is ANOTHER important piece of information he chose to leave out. Wow... your therapist's wallet saw you coming.
As for the short answers, I only keep my answers short because, and I'm being serious, it would take a very long time to type the answer I would give you, so I keep them short and sweet. The legal advice is hard to deal with. I have a prenuptial agreement. For me going to an attorney's office would be painful and she has said she doesn't want a divorce.
You don't have to start divorce proceedings when you go. You just need to go and see what your legal standing would be if a divorce were to take place. It would just be an informational meeting. I don't understand what would be so painful about doing that. You're already seeing a marriage counselor so it's not like you haven't already admitted your marriage is in trouble.
Still can't get over the resigned feeling of "I am sooo old at 36... a decrepit person with nothing left in life to enjoy..."
Irish, are you aware that the 30-s - mid-30s is the time when people just start making families and babies? My husband became a first-time father when he was about 20 years older than you. Some of the posters here adopted children in their 60s. You have about 50-60 more years on this planet. Too early to write yourself off.
Besides, hooking up with a partner is not even the point. Both you and your wife missed out on independent growing, on figuring out who you are independently of anyone (all those global questions: who am I, what am I, - well before starting to share a life with another person). Being in a relationship is all you know, therefore you think it's all you could be comfortable with. May be so - but you haven't tried anything else, so you don't really know. The only sure thing is - the global questions work their way in everyone's consciousness sooner or later, in your case it is happening when you are a combination of a young man, an old husband, and a weathered father. It does give it a certain angle, to deal with the eternal matters. Don't be afraid that you HAVE to be with someone - just look at modern people, do they marry at 18? Would your son have to marry next week? Or should he rather figure out his way in life, learn a thing or two, so he will guide the ship of his life with a more sure hand?
Really, who cares if she wants a divorce? Do you want one? I know you don't. No one does, but something's got to give. She can't decide to not go to counseling and think everything will just work itself out. I would not be one to encourage anyone to give up on their marriage, but I also wouldn't encourage someone to stay in one like yours.
Going to an attorney would be painful? Your day to day life sounds painful to me.
Irish, the dynamics of your relationship will change once your son has completed his two years at CC and transfers to a school where he will probably be living on campus. What that will be like is anyone's guess. No matter how flawed your relationship appears to others, YOU have to reach a breaking point, or have an !aha! moment where it becomes totally unacceptable to you. It's not easy to give up on a marriage when you have a lot of years invested in it, not to mention financial entanglements, the comfort zone of a familiar (although unsatisfying) situation, etc. And it doesn't sound as though you are anywhere near ready to do that. I commend you for investing so much time, effort and $$ into counseling to try and get your marriage and family on track.
I think your wife is hoping you will back down and things can revert back to the way they were, since she was clearly in charge and was able to manipulate you by demanding presents and trips in order for you to get a bit of affection. I'm sure she was quite happy with that arrangement, but now she is being made accountable for her actions and she doesn't want to face her shortcomings. I hope for both of your sakes she agrees to continue counseling.
Your wife needs to deal with her own demons that are causing such unhappiness in your marriage. Sadly, it is beyond your control to make her want to change. It has to come from within her. If she refuses to do the necessary work and continues the way things have gone, are you willing to live the rest of your life like that? It saddens me to hear you think you are washed up at only 36 and won't be able to find another life partner should you decide to divorce. Maybe all the stress has you wearied and feeling old before your time, but believe me, 36 is young. You have lots of life ahead of you - only you can decide how you want to spend those years.
Irish, the dynamics of your relationship will change once your son has completed his two years at CC and transfers to a school where he will probably be living on campus. What that will be like is anyone's guess. No matter how flawed your relationship appears to others, YOU have to reach a breaking point, or have an !aha! moment where it becomes totally unacceptable to you. It's not easy to give up on a marriage when you have a lot of years invested in it, not to mention financial entanglements, the comfort zone of a familiar (although unsatisfying) situation, etc. And it doesn't sound as though you are anywhere near ready to do that. I commend you for investing so much time, effort and $$ into counseling to try and get your marriage and family on track.
I think your wife is hoping you will back down and things can revert back to the way they were, since she was clearly in charge and was able to manipulate you by demanding presents and trips in order for you to get a bit of affection. I'm sure she was quite happy with that arrangement, but now she is being made accountable for her actions and she doesn't want to face her shortcomings. I hope for both of your sakes she agrees to continue counseling.
Your wife needs to deal with her own demons that are causing such unhappiness in your marriage. Sadly, it is beyond your control to make her want to change. It has to come from within her. If she refuses to do the necessary work and continues the way things have gone, are you willing to live the rest of your life like that? It saddens me to hear you think you are washed up at only 36 and won't be able to find another life partner should you decide to divorce. Maybe all the stress has you wearied and feeling old before your time, but believe me, 36 is young. You have lots of life ahead of you - only youcan decide how you want to spend those years.
On another thread a poster was talking about her frustration & marital problems after 43 years of marriage. I pointed out that I knew several people who divorced after long marriages who went on to have happy lives. My aunt & uncle divorced after 49 1/2 years, after a little adjustment both went on to 20 happy years dating & having fun. Another relative divorced after 55 years. Another uncle divorced his first wife after 10 years of marriage and then married "the love of his life" (according to him) and was married for 52 years before she passed away. My point isn't to stay married, but that even after a long marriage a person can have many years to enjoy life as a single or to get married again.
Obviously, I consider someone who is only 36 years old extremely young with many, many years left to be happy in life. My new daughter in law was 36 when she married my son (first marriage for both). They are just starting out in life. You can start out in life again, as well, if that is what you decide to do
I didn't think it was right for me to go to a lawyer w/o telling her, in my book, it didn't feel honest but now I feel horrible. I told her I was planning on free consultation, nothing was serious or a done deal. That's when she started sobbing " Well, you've successfully hurt my feelings, mission accomplished, I've been with you for 22 years and I don't want a divorce. Please leave me alone." then she ran into our bedroom and locked the door and accused me of wanting a 20 yo trophy wife. I told her how sorry I was and that I still loved her. I slept and ate dinner in the guesthouse. I feel awful and I want to make it up to her( yes, I do feel like flowers are in order)
I didn't think it was right for me to go to a lawyer w/o telling her, in my book, it didn't feel honest but now I feel horrible. I told her I was planning on free consultation, nothing was serious or a done deal. That's when she started sobbing " Well, you've successfully hurt my feelings, mission accomplished, I've been with you for 22 years and I don't want a divorce. Please leave me alone." then she ran into our bedroom and locked the door and accused me of wanting a 20 yo trophy wife. I told her how sorry I was and that I still loved her. I slept and ate dinner in the guesthouse. I feel awful and I want to make it up to her( yes, I do feel like flowers are in order)
Stop it. Just stop it. You cannot play mind games with her. That solves nothing. I am going to a lawyer. Oh I am so sorry is just CRUEL.
Grow up and figure out what you want. Then do that. But stop dicking her around. If you want a change, then MAKE the change. If you want to stay with the status quo, then get happy with that.
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