Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But, from your wife's point of view, you abandoned her and quite possibility had the opportunity for the kind of life SHE wanted - college, education, a career, independence, money, self-respect. Until you realize that she is still angry at you for that decision (despite the fact that she told you to go, etc.), you will never repair this relationship.
It doesn't matter if you think her feelings are factual or valid or that she told you to go to college 20 years ago. I would bet money that her feelings are routed in that time and you must acknowledge that she feels what she feels - whether you meant to abandon her or not. You need to go back to that time and discuss what happened if you want to move forward.
I already know that she feels resentment for the college thing and she never wanted to go to college( even before our son) because the workload intimidated her.
I appreciate the idea but what she could complain about( and be hypocritical in doing so) is me being " childish and rude" to her
I don't advocate your playing her silly games. But why do you care so much if she complains? So long as you continue to feel that she needs to be pleased and happy all the time, you will not be able to set effective limits.
I don't advocate your playing her silly games. But why do you care so much if she complains? So long as you continue to feel that she needs to be pleased and happy all the time, you will not be able to set effective limits.
It's the root of the problem. It's part of his personality. Confrontation and conflict are the worst thing in the world to him.
I have a relative like this and every time I see him doing it (enabling disrespectful behavior, walking on eggshells, "selling himself out" just to keep the peace), I seriously want to punch him in the face.
But it's very hard to get out of that pattern, and "giving it back to her" will only derail any progress they make.
I've been reading this whole thread. Seriously...this is ridiculous.
If you want to help your son, get him out of the house. Tell him he has two weeks to find an alternative and get him out. He will never grow up by being treated like a child. You can continue family therapy with him, but he needs to get a job and get out.
OK, you do realize at this point this isn't going to happen right? Granted, his son does need to get a direction (perhaps a trade school or community college at this point), and a job. But throwing him out helps no one at this point.
Your first post on CD said that your wife grounded him just until the next day for drinking and lying about it a few years ago. Now she is trying to ground him for a week for putting his feet on the table and staying up past his bedtime?
I don't get it. Can it be now that he is legally an adult she wants the same control over him that she has on you?
I'm pretty sure that is it. He went away with his girlfriend and didn't allow mom to come. She's pissed, and it's payback time. Seems like she lives the "all about me" life.
I appreciate the idea but what she could complain about( and be hypocritical in doing so) is me being " childish and rude" to her
So the F what? Does everyting have to be spelled out for you? You're so damn aggravating in all your answers, that I'm surprised people are still trying to give you some helpful ideas on how to handle this situation. As I said in another post... just give up, shut up, and deal with it. That's all you're able to do anyway. Kudos to wifey for being able to manipulate you and not have to respect or do anything for you. Do you have a brother who's single?
OK, you do realize at this point this isn't going to happen right? Granted, his son does need to get a direction (perhaps a trade school or community college at this point), and a job. But throwing him out helps no one at this point.
Kicking the son out right now won't help anything. Although I would support giving him the choice of getting a job and moving out or enrolling in school by August.
Assuming the OP is real, the best thing he can do is continue to go to couseling/therapy and working through his own issues (why he avoids conflict to this extent etc) and working on his part in building better, more adult relationships. To advise tossing out his wife of almost 20 years based on random advice on the internet is advising more rash and juvenile behavior and doesn't help him with his real problem....which is himself. Once he figures himself out then HE will be able to figure out the rest of it. The title of the thread is particularly telling. He doesn't know how he is SUPPOSED to feel. He needs to figure out how he feels, not how he is supposed to feel. Then he need to acquire both the tools and the confidence to move forward as an adult. This is not a quick-fix issue. He's got many years of growing up to catch up on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
