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People, Irish didn't "drag his son into their fight." The son stepped in on his own and let them both have it. Time to let go of that part.
Have you not read the whole thread? Multiple times he has mentioned his son being way more involved and way more aware of their marital issues than he should be. It isn't about this 1 fight. It is about the whole family dynamic.
Have you not read the whole thread? Multiple times he has mentioned his son being way more involved and way more aware of their marital issues than he should be. It isn't about this 1 fight. It is about the whole family dynamic.
Oh my god. The kid lives there. OF COURSE he's aware of what's going on. If he doesn't see it, he's gong to hear it. HE LIVES THERE! HE GREW UP THERE! DUH!
You're not telling me anything I don't already know. What was your point?
Oh my god. The kid lives there. OF COURSE he's aware of what's going on. If he doesn't see it, he's gong to hear it. HE LIVES THERE! HE GREW UP THERE! DUH!
You're not telling me anything I don't already know. What was your point?
My point is that he needs to work on his marriage without making his kid aware of exactly what is going on at all times. He and his wife need therapy without the kid present. My point is it is not "time to let go of that part." It isn't like the kid overheard them argue once. He discusses his marital problems with his son. That is not appropriate.
First, both you and your wife were wrong in the grounding/ungrounding of your son. At 18 he certainly can comment on something going on under his nose. The way he did so may have been rude, but he is only 18 and has not had good examples of communicating disagreement. What you should have done, after your wife grounded him with no/little explanation, was talk to him privately. You should have told him that it was okay for him to express his feelings, but the way he did so was wrong. Then tell him how to do so appropriately.
Now, that may seem hypocritical to him, and it is given how you and your wife communicate, but it's time to start responding and not reacting in your house. Show him how to communicate as an adult does.
It's also time to have an adult conversation with your wife. Sit her down. Ask her to just listen for a few minutes without interruption. Tell her the truth. That you love her and that your marriage is in serious trouble. It is not entirely her fault. It is not entirely your fault. You don't want to place blame. You want to move past placing blame and move ahead to change. You cannot fix it alone. You want nothing more than to work on it together. Can she agree to that? When she interrupts, and she will, ignore whatever she says and go back to your "script."
You need to break the long standing patterns. It's not easy. As a matter of fact it's really, really hard work. Ignore her childish eye rolls. Ignore her temper tantrums. Let her storm off into the bedroom and lock the door. Do not follow her. Do not placate her. That just is more of the same routine in your relationship. When she comes out of her hiding place DO NOT do whatever you usually do. Do something different, but be polite and adult. Remember these two phrases and USE them: "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I understand you feel that way."
Just as a child reacts to being told "No" your wife will react to your changed behavior. She will try to get you back into the old routine. It's your choice to move forward to an adult relationship. When she does act like an adult, compliment her on this. Tell her, "I appreciated you listening to me" or whatever is appropriate.
You cannot change what your wife does or does not do. You can change how you respond to it. You should not feel like this is a hopeless situation yet. A marriage can be salvaged and made better when both people are willing to do so. Right now your wife is not willing to do so. All you can do is CHANGE the way you interact with her. Don't be cold. Don't give gifts. Treat her as you would another adult--think of how you treat peers.
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