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Old 05-20-2013, 07:53 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,075 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73739


^^ Really, truly excellent advice.

Old 05-20-2013, 01:39 PM
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 718,556 times
Reputation: 338
Thanks rrah
Old 05-20-2013, 06:12 PM
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 718,556 times
Reputation: 338
hoping the session/dinner goes well tomorrow
Old 05-20-2013, 06:58 PM
6,455 posts, read 9,512,203 times
Reputation: 10764
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
hoping the session/dinner goes well tomorrow
Let us know, Irish.
Old 05-20-2013, 10:55 PM
Location: The Triangle
4,466 posts, read 3,361,184 times
Reputation: 13444
Good luck with your session. I know things are tough right now but counseling should help you and your son get on the right path.
Old 05-21-2013, 09:26 AM
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 718,556 times
Reputation: 338
We just got back from a session (he and I. I took the day off) and he got really active in the conversation. Firstly though, the counselor suggested taking her out to dinner seeing as how it works for my son. My son begged her to go but she declined, saying that it is a scam. He’s sick of us fighting (as am I). He misses the way things used to be when he was younger. He started talking about divorce and spoke of his worries. I would tell her what he said but she wouldn’t believe. I wouldn’t feel right having the whole “ tell your mom what you said” talk, I feel that he needs to decide if he wants to tell her. He absolutely hates the way she acts around me and wished she were there to hear it and wishes he could do something.
I told him I realize I wasn’t the best role model (having a kid at 18 married at 19) or father (being gone at ND and not being 100% until he was around 6.) I notice that when she gets mad at me, he pulls away from her. The last thing he said was possibly just having the 3 of us sit down and talk it out or locking her and I in a room and make us talk. I doubt she would go for that.
We went to breakfast/early lunch afterwards. I asked him how he felt about living on his own away from all of this turmoil. He said he’d get there eventually but he still enjoys living at home. I told him I was behind him 100 percent as far as jobs and education goes and I’m proud of him for having goals. His mom is getting jealous; she barrages him with questions when we come home“ How was the session? How was dinner? Where’d you go? What’d you talk about?” He doesn’t like that and pretends to be tired and starts yawning. I know it’s fake because he gets jacked up on soda and blares the Eminem Show on the way home and somehow magically gets tired within 30 seconds of his mom talking to him. She falls for it and tells him “ You need to rest, you look tired. She started lecturing me about traumatizing him and asked if I was mean to him during sessions . I told her he was ok and she rolled her eyes and proceeded to tell me how delicate he is.
Old 05-21-2013, 09:37 AM
6,455 posts, read 9,512,203 times
Reputation: 10764
Irish, you need to tell her to stop her mommy-coddling. He's tired of it. And he needs to tell her if she wants to know what goes on at couseling/lunch/dinner, then she needs to be there, that he won't allow her to interrogate him anymore. While it seems he's not tolerating her crap, he needs to stop beating around the bush and be up front with her. You know, hit her on the head with a clue by four.
Old 05-21-2013, 10:05 AM
Location: Bloomington IN
5,868 posts, read 7,096,869 times
Reputation: 14099
In general I don't disagree with steelstress's comment with one caveat. Your son needs to make the decision to speak to his mother. This cannot be your idea. Do not use him in that way. Having said that, if he mentions again that he wishes she was there, simply say, "Yes, so do I. You'll have to tell your mother how you feel." Don't "plant" the idea in his head, but you don't need to discourage him from speaking to her.

As for her asking what you talked about, claiming you're traumatizing him, etc., next time simply say, "If you're interested, you're always welcome to join us" then walk away, no further discussion. Let her think about it for awhile, and given her childish behavior, expect she will throw a fit that she's not getting what she wants.
Old 05-21-2013, 03:30 PM
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 718,556 times
Reputation: 338
I invited her to dinner for Thursday night. I decided to put our spat behind us. I bought her some flowers( I know, no gifts, but this sealed the deal.) and asked if she’d go( half expecting her to roll her eyes and decline) but she seems pretty excited about it. I was nervous asking her too, didn't really have a script but got the " yes, I'd love to go, it'll be fun." answer I wanted. She probably saw this as an opportunity to pamper herself as she left and came back home looking tanner and with 4 or 5 shopping bags.

Last edited by irishfan77; 05-21-2013 at 04:35 PM..
Old 05-21-2013, 04:42 PM
7,239 posts, read 12,656,411 times
Reputation: 8513
Well, of course you got the answer you wanted-- she had already said to your son she'd settle for a dinner, which is what you're giving her now. Nothing wrong with that.


What is it with you and gifts? You're so quick to come up with justification: "but... (it got me what I wanted.)" You said the same thing about the Chicago trip, the cd to your son. You don't seem to get the ramifications. Are you worth the value of your gifts? You can't ask your wife without the flowers?
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