U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Old 06-20-2013, 11:27 PM
Location: Wisconsin
16,529 posts, read 16,055,425 times
Reputation: 39022


Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
So the question becomes if you don't want a divorce and she doesn't want a divorce, then what does each of you want of the marriage ? I do hope you realize that you do not have a marriage. This is not how married people behave.

A married woman does not lock herself in the bedroom pouting or crying most nights of the week. Then she does not come out until her husband buys her dinner and gifts. The two of you are locked in dance that is beyond dysfunctional.

We know what she wants- total control over you and her son, destroying your manhood by cutting you down and making you apologize to her for her bad behavior. Oh and she wants lots and lots of dinners and gifts. Are you seeing her true colors yet? You thought you were making progress by her agreeing to go to counseling. We all warned you it was just a ploy. She was just manipulating you. Lasted one session before she's back to locking herself in her room and snarling at you.

Where do you see yourself in five years, 10 years ? You're only in your mid-thirties- want to keep doing this for another 45- 50 years ?? Sooner or later your son will be off on his own. Maybe you're using him as a glue to hold you two together. What happens when he's gone ?

Just what do you want from this marriage ? Do you tell your therapist about her locking herself in the room behavior ? Did you tell the therapist that your wife blames your son for being born ? That she blames his being alive for her perceived unhappiness. You need to get that out into the open. That is soul destroying behavior on her part. What is she doing to your son?

I just hope you can get straight in your own mind just where you see your marriage going and how you might arrive there. I realize that you are still very much attracted to your wife. Which is all well and good. But on the inside, just who is she and if she doesn't get help, how much is she mentally and emotionally going to decline as the years go on. For how long do you want to be on the receiving end of her bile and spite ?.

Even if you don't care about yourself or the state of your marriage, if nothing else, help your son. He does not need the burden of guilt your wife has placed on him in the past couple of weeks. He needs to understand that she is in the wrong.
Irish, Willow Wind made some very good points. Please think about those things.

Old 06-20-2013, 11:33 PM
7,246 posts, read 12,707,318 times
Reputation: 8523
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Yes. I am seeing her true colors. I brought up both the locking in and the " mistake" comment and the therapist was appalled.
That would explain why your wife is enraged about the counseling session. Again, a very long road... but still, you should consult with a lawyer just to make sure you're protecting your assets (given your wife's true colors).

Putting aside your very dysfunctional marriage problems, what about the progression with the son? Is he getting himself into school, looking at jobs?
Old 06-20-2013, 11:50 PM
Location: the Chicago suburbs
818 posts, read 720,154 times
Reputation: 338
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post

what about the progression with the son? Is he getting himself into school, looking at jobs?
Going to CC in the fall
Old 06-21-2013, 08:34 AM
6,455 posts, read 9,555,818 times
Reputation: 10774
Good job, Irish!

I think the fact that she's po'd even more than ever is to be expected, considering the therapist was appalled at her actions. She's certainly not going to turn a corner any time soon, but if she continues to go to therapy, well, there's hope. But don't let your guard down.
Old 06-21-2013, 08:56 AM
5,613 posts, read 4,189,194 times
Reputation: 12374
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Counselor was disappointed in her actions( she went) and behavior( and called me out for name calling) and wasn't pleased with our regression. We got home, I got a tongue lashing from her about the " stupidity" of counseling and I have moved into the guest house( looking back I should've done this awhile ago and I kept a key to the main house to avoid being locked out) and she has entered a new stratosphere of immaturity. She is ( unfortunately) using our son as a communication tool. Perfect example, rather than ask me to pass the salt at dinner she told our son to " ask your father to pass the salt". I still talk to her directly.I told her how crazy this is and she responded with " Crazy is living in a guest house. Be thankful that there is a meal on your plate.
Wait a minute..... this whole "story" is getting absurd. You have a "guest house", but never considered letting your son move there instead of renting an apartment that he had no job to pay for? Moderator Cut.

Last edited by Jaded; 06-22-2013 at 01:18 AM.. Reason: Unnecessary comment
Old 06-21-2013, 09:27 AM
24 posts, read 41,141 times
Reputation: 98
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
Wait a minute..... this whole "story" is getting absurd. You have a "guest house", but never considered letting your son move there instead of renting an apartment that he had no job to pay for?
Why is this absurd? Irish wanted his son to get a job and pay for his own apartment, and not to move to another area of the house (basement, guest house, pool house, or whatever).

Last edited by Jaded; 06-22-2013 at 01:18 AM..
Old 06-21-2013, 11:12 AM
908 posts, read 818,563 times
Reputation: 1527
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
Going to CC in the fall
That's great. You are getting a lot of good advice on here, I would definitely look into contacting a lawyer though. You need to protect yourself and your son.
Old 06-21-2013, 06:29 PM
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,437 posts, read 41,829,668 times
Reputation: 47043
Just because you see an attorney does not mean you are getting a divorce. An attorney can educate you, prepare you for what to expect if and when you do get a divorce or give you advice about a legal separation. if everybody who contacted an attorney about POSSIBILITIES went through with divorce the divorce in this country would be a lot higher than it already is. You obviously value education so why can't you simply look at seeing an attorney as part of your education?
Old 06-21-2013, 06:49 PM
Location: Not where I want to be
4,827 posts, read 6,964,816 times
Reputation: 7645
Originally Posted by irishfan77 View Post
So last night, my son went on his date night with his useless girlfriend. It was my wife and I on the couch just hanging out and watching some TV until the kids came out and she hung out with them. I didn’t want to wait to talk to her. I figured, in a casual setting like this( I made sure she was in a good mood), I would ask her an intriguing question that I saw on here: Where do you see your son in 6 months? A year? I asked her this and I got back an “ I don’t know, why worry tonight? I’m sure he’ll think of something.” I told her that, in a year, if nothing changes, he’ll be sleeping until 5 in his bed only with his girlfriend all moved in.
She said I was “ being goofy”.
I told her that I wanted to go get counseling for the family because I feel as though she doesn’t respect me. Somehow, this turned into a “ you’re too hard on him. He needs to be comforted( her way of saying pampered) and loved. When was the last time you hugged him or told him you loved him?” talk. My dad hardly did either but I knew he loved me because he listened, guided, and helped me whenever I needed it. I know she loves this kid and tells him often and hugs him but I’m not her and I love him as well. After her statement, she agreed to go in order to appease me. She said that he was “ a bit spoiled and lazy, but kids deserve a little spoiling. I was spoiled as a kid ( indeed she was)”. That was the end of the talk. I guess I should be happy she's going, but something tells me she'll ignore the doctor and do what she's always done.
First, you're not saying how old your son is. Second, your son went on a "date night"? Is his girlfriend living in your home with him?? And why is she "useless"? And why do you refer to him as "your son" when speaking to your wife? Why not just "where do you see _____ in 6 months or a year?"

If your son is over 20 years old, not working, not in school, and has no plans, then I would start taking steps to get him working AND going to school (vocational or college). If he refuses to follow through, then you and your wife need to set a deadline for him to pack up and leave.

As far as the counseling? It may help. Even if she's reluctant to go, she may get a "lightbulb moment" by something the counselor says.

In the meantime, why don't you tell your son you love him? Or hug him? Or spend time with him? Maybe if he truly felt love or affection from you, he could look at you as a role model.
Old 06-21-2013, 07:09 PM
4,787 posts, read 8,812,725 times
Reputation: 12592
Amisi- you have to go back and read the whole several weeks and dozens of pages of this thread to try to understand what is going on. .

The son is 18, just graduated high school. . The girlfriend is not living in the house. The son is going to community college in the fall.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top