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Well, as difficult as it is, at least it's normal. That's what I tell myself.
Imagine the alternative...What if your son still wanted to hold your hand when he's 16?
Now, that would be a problem.
With my kids I find that the early teen years are much worse regarding the distance issue. Once they reached 16 they were much less likely to totally avoid us. That was much more of an issue when they were in the earlier teen years. My 14 year old is still that way but the older ones are much closer with us than they were in the early teens.
I can't say that the above is true for all kids but it has been the case with mine. So there is hope for the OP that this is a phase that will pass.
OP, just remember, it will get better! I remember being 13/14 and the last thing I wanted to do was be around my parents EVER. I actually had this conversation with my mom a few days ago and she told me my attitude along with being argumentative was why she signed me up for camp, she said had I stayed home that summer we wouodve killed each other lol. But I did outgrow it! I'm 17 now and the relationship I have had woth my mom over the last 1/2 years has been great! She's my best friend
For me personally when I was a teenager, I sort of experienced the opposite issues cited by the OP with my own parent. Throughout my teen years, I never stopped feeling super-close to them, and maintained the same type of closeness to them that I had when I was younger. For example, I gave my parent a hug pretty much every day. I would tell them that I loved them, frequently. I never experienced a "rebellious phase", never felt any need to distance myself to any large extent, etc. I never had a "friends vs. parent" conflict.
On the flip side, I remember being told a lot by my parent and sibling around that time things like "act your age", "be a man", "grow up", stuff like that. My parent would gently disengage me when I tried to hug her, and mention something to the effect that I was getting older, should be behaving in a more manly way, and how hugging your parents a lot when you are in your teenage years is not considered to be "masculine". My parent would ask me not to tell her that I loved her, quite as frequently as I did, for the same reason. I remember how hearing these things actually sort of hurt a little, at the time, since I had genuinely liked being affectionate, with my family...
Big hugs from a loving dad. My little girl will be in 2 in August, and it seems like just yesterday that she got here. I am making sure I cherish every moment with her, because before I know it, she's not going to be the same sweet, innocent little girl who reaches out for Daddy's hand as we go for a walk or runs to me with her arms extended, waiting me for to scoop her up and give her a big kiss. She's going to grow up and be her own independent person with her own thoughts and views and ideas, and that's the way of things, but boy, I am going to miss these days so much. Everyone told us they grow up fast, and I've taken that to heart.
Just hold on to those good memories, and keep trying to make new ones. Good luck to you.
OK - heartbreak for me, the mother. The thread title may be a little overdramatic, but my son is nearly 13 and I'm having a hard time with how he has changed recently. He's going through puberty somewhat early - he's as tall as me now, is starting to get a mustache and has had some personality changes (more argumentative etc.) The whole childhood part has gone by so fast. I feel a bit like I'm mourning the child that I wasn't quite ready to let go of. We always did so much together and spent so much time together, but now really all he wants to do is spend time with his friends. He does quite well in school, and I generally like his friends, so I know I shouldn't complain too much, but I feel the need to vent.
Are there any other parents who have found themselves with similar feelings in this situation? Any advice on how to deal with it?
I'm not a parent, but a close friend of mine did not show your intelligence. She continued to treat her son like a pre-teen and he was already overly dependent and indulged. He quit school a year ago, with her blessing, and he lives at home a sloppy, unstructured, totally self-indugent, parasite. And she gives him handouts, condones anything he does and any stupid expenditure.
He has said he never intends to leave home, and she finds it quite something to smirk about.
Sorry that you are feeling a sense of loss, but it has to be natural...and if you go along with his growing up, you will have a different relationship with an adult son, and not the bizarre parasitic one that my friend has cultivated.
OK - heartbreak for me, the mother. The thread title may be a little overdramatic, but my son is nearly 13 and I'm having a hard time with how he has changed recently. He's going through puberty somewhat early - he's as tall as me now, is starting to get a mustache and has had some personality changes (more argumentative etc.) The whole childhood part has gone by so fast. I feel a bit like I'm mourning the child that I wasn't quite ready to let go of. We always did so much together and spent so much time together, but now really all he wants to do is spend time with his friends. He does quite well in school, and I generally like his friends, so I know I shouldn't complain too much, but I feel the need to vent.
Are there any other parents who have found themselves with similar feelings in this situation? Any advice on how to deal with it?
It's normal to start with the empty nest syndrome even before they leave -- you know it's coming.
Sometimes you might almost wish you'd have been one of those other kinds of parents who doesn't make their kids a priority. You are losing a *child* and will continue to lose the *child* as he becomes more and more an independent adult.
Then someday, you'll be visiting this *adult* who will be a kind of interesting kind of adult with his own way of doing things but also you'll see the influences from you and your parenting.
Deep down it's been your goal all along -- to get your child to transform from a helpless and dependent baby into a self-reliant adult -- you don't really want him to be a permanent 5 year old. That's a lot sadder.
I guess every child is different. It's so interesting to hear everyone's experiences, and glad to hear that it should get better in a few years. My son does have flashes of his old affectionate self, but at other times seems to be looking for an argument or just dismissive of anything I say. I wasn't totally unprepared for this since I did have older acquaintances who went through similar things, but I still find it difficult. I have one younger child (a daughter) who is still very much a kid, so I will enjoy these last few years before her adolescence comes! After that, I may get a pet who will hopefully follow me around and listen to everything I say.
It's normal to start with the empty nest syndrome even before they leave -- you know it's coming.
Sometimes you might almost wish you'd have been one of those other kinds of parents who doesn't make their kids a priority. You are losing a *child* and will continue to lose the *child* as he becomes more and more an independent adult.
Then someday, you'll be visiting this *adult* who will be a kind of interesting kind of adult with his own way of doing things but also you'll see the influences from you and your parenting.
Deep down it's been your goal all along -- to get your child to transform from a helpless and dependent baby into a self-reliant adult -- you don't really want him to be a permanent 5 year old. That's a lot sadder.
There was a really interesting article in the NYtimes not that long ago that talked about the emotional difficulties of the empty nest syndrome. One thing the author mentioned (paraphrasing) is that as a parent, everything you teach them eventually prepares them to leave you - from the time they learn to pull up their own zippers and tie their own shoes. Very true.
For a long time I wished I didn't have to work so I could parent full time, but I have to say that reflecting on it now, I'm glad that I did not. I think this letting go little by little would have been even harder for me in that case.
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