Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My son just graduated. Was a "C" student, average, throughout four years. At times had "F's", but was able to pull them up when it counted. Some of the grades were due to lack of effort: didn't turn in assignments. He's a very poor test taker. He struggled in high school,and we even got him a tutor, and sent him to after school for the subject he most struggled him. He barely graduated, but did.
He has no motivation. No friends- by choice. We tell him to go out all of the time. He chooses not to. He's not miserable, or depressed. We do speak to him. He would just rather sit in his room and read or play video games. He's not sociable. He just lacks any motivation. He has no goals and has no idea as to what he wants to be in life. He is not interested in anything- sports, karate, arts, n.o.t.h.i.n.g.
He applied to the university around me. Did not get in due to too low of a SAT score. He retook the SAT test three times to try to get a higher grade (it was math- a subject he struggled in). Didn't work. He's thinking that college might not be for him. I don't want to, but might tend to agree. He has applied to little jobs like McDonald's, Burger King, the neighborhood supermarket and pizza chain, but no one is hiring. It might be better when he finally turns 18 in August.
I want to know what to do for him. I know he gets booted off of our medical insurance once he's 19, if he's not in college. I don't know what path to steer him onto. I know some people say what about a trade school. But he has no clue as to what he wants. And I know he's still a kid and has a life ahead of it, but I want to help him get to that life ahead of him and I don't know how.
I'm sure you'll get loads of advice but I want to tell you you're already doing something very important by caring enough to just ask the question! My stepson is exactly the same way and his mother doesn't seem interested enough to do even that much. He's now almost 24 and has been sitting on the couch for five years out of high school.
My husband and I have had lots of time to think about what sort of action could have changed this, and have come up with only this: This kind of lack of motivation in a young person is NOT NORMAL. I believe you when you say nothing motivates your son, because I know it can happen. Just about every young person is motivated by SOMETHING, even if it's a desire for sex--you need a job to have a car so you can get a girl! But that didn't hold true for my stepson and I believe you if you say it's not true for your son. Some may blame the addictive nature of Worlds of Warcraft, etc., but that's just an outside symptom. The problem lies within the young person and that's where the solution has to be found.
Your son is young enough now that you may still be able to exert some influence beyond threat of eviction (which, if this goes on too long, is really all you will have). Does he understand that he is closing doors right and left in front of him that will affect his whole life? Doing NOTHING should not be an option. A gap of more than a few months will be difficult to explain later. No matter where you live there are things he can do, from volunteering just about anywhere to getting a minimum-wage job to going to a trade school. (I just heard a news item yesterday about the HUGE need for skilled craftspeople.) Summer vacation is one thing, but beyond that there has to be firm guidance for him: Do SOMETHING or... or what? That's what you have to determine.
If this were one of my children I would be concerned about depression. I know it's easy for me to say but a young person simply shouldn't be satisfied with no activity in his/her life. It's truly not normal. If there is any way to get him to go, maybe a visit with a counselor might help him to see if there is something physiological going on. He doesn't have to decide today or next month or next year what he wants to do with the rest of his life, but the only way to start even thinking about it is to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and start interacting with the world. No matter where you live, opportunities abound for a young person to get involved even if it's boring, tedious, whatever. It's something.
I will be watching this thread with great interest and wish you all the best. You really do still have influence, even if it only extends to having the power to kick him out of the house and forcing him to support himself. I certainly wouldn't advocate that for a recent graduate but you will have to decide for yourself how long you will watch while he does nothing. My stepson's mother has never made that decision and so there he sits, five years later, doing nothing while his life slips away. From the sidelines we've done everything we can, but as long as she continues to provide food, shelter, and the tools he needs to play video games he will never get off the couch.
As I was reading your post, my first thought was 'this kid is depressed'. If you could get him checked out thoroughly (also get bloodwork done in case there is a hormonal imbalance or something) that would be a good idea.
You could also perhaps talk to a guidance counselor at the school - there may be an aptitude test he can take. But he may just need a year or two to work and think about what he wants out of life.
I know lots of folks will say "depression," but one of my teen sons is like this, and he is not depressed.
I tried over the years to test him for many things, but he could not be diagnosed. Some people are just " that way." Your son sounds like a true introvert, and when he is motivated it can only come from within.
OP, is there ANYTHING at all that he perks up about? What does he read? Any job would be a good start to get him interacting with folks.
But the only thing I do is latch onto the tiniest glimmer of interest and encourage that ... Without going overboard.
My kids high end college prep school gives all the kids myers briggs in 11th grade. This really helps them nail down where their personality type and talents intersect, which is really important. And it is just as useful for a non-college bound kid as it is a college bound one. When the parents see the test results, they are generally astonished at how perceptively the test understands their child.
I am going to guess that he is not depressed, but is a very high introvert and a perceiver. (You'll understand more what that means once you take the test.) my husband is an introvert/perceiver and has a good career. they do tend to march to the beat of their own drum, though. You can google his type once you know it and find all kinds of advice for employment that he will not only be good at, but enjoy. Also, the book "Do What You Are" is a great resource for finding a career based on personality type and very readable for a teen. My 14 year old has read it and enjoyed it...and she's not particularly motivated either. Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type: Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: 9780316167260: Amazon.com: Books
IDK about introverts having no motivation. Two of my kids are introverts. My husband is an introvert. They are not unmotivated. All of the introverts in the family are motivated by something. While it is true that my oldest son would rather stay at home and watch playoff basketball, he is still motivated to live life. He works. He goes to college. He plays football. He lifts weights. He has a handful of friends that he likes to see for shorts amounts of time. While he is not the life of the party he is not antisocial or unmotivated.
The same goes for my husband. He is an attorney in his own practice. He deals with clients and runs his business. He has a few friends that he sees every now and then. He is quiet and prefers to be alone or in small groups but he is not completely without motivation.
I agree with the OP that it is not normal to have no motivation for anything. Being an introvert does not need to mean that a person has zero motivation to do anything with his life. I do not know the answer for the OPs son but I had to chime in about introverts since there are so many of them in my house and they are all motivated by something.
IDK about introverts having no motivation. Two of my kids are introverts. My husband is an introvert. They are not unmotivated. All of the introverts in the family are motivated by something. While it is true that my oldest son would rather stay at home and watch playoff basketball, he is still motivated to live life. He works. He goes to college. He plays football. He lifts weights. He has a handful of friends that he likes to see for shorts amounts of time. While he is not the life of the party he is not antisocial or unmotivated.
The same goes for my husband. He is an attorney in his own practice. He deals with clients and runs his business. He has a few friends that he sees every now and then. He is quiet and prefers to be alone or in small groups but he is not completely without motivation.
I agree with the OP that it is not normal to have no motivation for anything. Being an introvert does not need to mean that a person has zero motivation to do anything with his life. I do not know the answer for the OPs son but I had to chime in about introverts since there are so many of them in my house and they are all motivated by something.
Sounds like your crew are introvert/judgers rather than introvert/perceivers. Taking into account all four aspects of the personality, introvert/extrovert, sensor/intuitive, thinker/feeler, and judger/perceiver really makes a big difference in understanding type.
My nephew was much like your son. No direction, no motivation and quite content to sit around and watch TV all day. His parents spent 2 years trying to solve the issue with no success. They spent that time alternating between cajoling him with rewards and threatening to boot him out the door. At the suggestion of another parent, they finally hired a life coach.
They set a goal of him being employed and out of the house within 1 year. My nephew worked with the life coach on smaller goals and strategies to reach the larger goal. And he did. For him it somehow made a difference to work with a neutral 3rd party and make small (and in his mind more attainable) changes where his parents goal of employed and out in 1 year was too overwhelming. He now is a fully trained and certified auto mechanic who has his sights set on one day owning his own garage.
He might have gotten there eventually all on his own, but his parents believe the life coach made all the difference and saved their relationship with their son.
I know lots of folks will say "depression," but one of my teen sons is like this, and he is not depressed.
I tried over the years to test him for many things, but he could not be diagnosed. Some people are just " that way." Your son sounds like a true introvert, and when he is motivated it can only come from within.
OP, is there ANYTHING at all that he perks up about? What does he read? Any job would be a good start to get him interacting with folks.
But the only thing I do is latch onto the tiniest glimmer of interest and encourage that ... Without going overboard.
This may be true for most people, but it sounds to me like the OP is beyond that sort of run-of-the-mill teenage sloth. I know my stepson literally is motivated by nothing that we can discover. The only pursuit he's interested in is WoW. But does he want to get into desgning games? Work at a GameStop? Take classes so he can learn more about computer gaming? Nope, As long as it's being handed to him on a platter it's all he wants or needs. He doesn't read or even go to movies more than very seldom. As far as we can tell he has one friend, and while his friend has had a series of middling-to-lousy jobs since HS that would be vastly preferable to sitting on the couch.
Latching on to a tiny glimmer of interest in anything is a great place to start, absolutely. If that continues for 6, 12, 18 months with no progress, something more is needed.
Being an introvert does not need to mean that a person has zero motivation to do anything with his life.
I don't recall anyone here saying this ^^^ or that introvert = unmotivated.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
