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Old 06-05-2013, 10:39 AM
 
10,894 posts, read 9,080,518 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
There is a huge difference between kids who move home after college to mooch off their parents, and those who move home to attend grad school, or work and save towards their future. Most of the returnees I know followed the second path. Our eldest came home and did his grad degree in a nearby city. We had no problem with it. He didn't move out until he married.

Our younger two are still in college. Middle son is home for the summer, working and taking two classes online. Youngest is out of the country doing research. I don't think it matters where they lay their heads at night, as long as they are working towards their future goals.

I don't know any kids who came home after 4 years away and regressed back to a childhood role. If they exist, it's because the parents allowed it. I wouldn't.

Jobs aren't so easy to come by though, and I do understand young adults who are appreciative of a home while they search.
I agree there is a huge difference between the two! I have no problem with my almost grown children living at home until they are ready to buy a house.

I know very few people who graduate from college and come home to "mooch off of their parents".

I am only beginning the semi empty nest phase of life. My eldest just completed is Freshman year of college and we are glad to have him home. He is working at a full time job and is helping with painting and yard work. Our daughter is still in high school and has several baby sitting jobs. She is taking a college class online.

Our hope is that after college they will return home to attend grad school, which is really a necessity today. I'd rather have them live at home than waste their money on rent.

As for the OP. it really isn't any of your business where your nieces, nephews and cousin's children live!

I'll never understand parents who had difficult lives and feel that they must replicate that for their children. We are blessed with a large home and great kids who are industrious and academically talented. We have no desire to make things difficult for our kids. Parenting does not end at age 18 or 21, for that matter.
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
800 posts, read 511,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I agree there is a huge difference between the two! I have no problem with my almost grown children living at home until they are ready to buy a house.

I know very few people who graduate from college and come home to "mooch off of their parents".

I am only beginning the semi empty nest phase of life. My eldest just completed is Freshman year of college and we are glad to have him home. He is working at a full time job and is helping with painting and yard work. Our daughter is still in high school and has several baby sitting jobs. She is taking a college class online.

Our hope is that after college they will return home to attend grad school, which is really a necessity today. I'd rather have them live at home than waste their money on rent.

As for the OP. it really isn't any of your business where your nieces, nephews and cousin's children live!

I'll never understand parents who had difficult lives and feel that they must replicate that for their children. We are blessed with a large home and great kids who are industrious and academically talented. We have no desire to make things difficult for our kids. Parenting does not end at age 18 or 21, for that matter.
No one is saying that you should make your kid's life difficult. You are being defensive. But nor should you take away their opportunity to grow up. I think some parents (baby boomers, particularly) don't want to cut the cord. This can be detrimental to the kid's future an independent adult.

I work in a very competitive and sought after industry. I was hiring an assistant recently. I had several recent grads interview, a few of whom admitted they lived at home. One in particular had a parent who called and asked about whether or not her son had gotten the job, extoling his academic virtues. I put that resume right in the trash. If I need someone I can rely on, who thinks on their feet and can get things done, I am not about to hire an individual who has mom call (unsolicited) for a reference. From a hiring manager's perspective, the kid who has made their own decisions and does not have a parent hovering in the background is going to be the clear choice. It has nothing to do with whether or not life has been difficult for that child. It has everything to do with how that person handles themselves without a parental back up team.

And grad school a "necessity"? In some fields, sure. But hardly in all.
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:11 AM
 
4,473 posts, read 5,835,397 times
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OP, you seem to be equating living at home with the parents pulling the strings. That isn't always the case. Most likely, the parent in your example would have made that call whether their child lived at home or not. That's a whole other issue.

How did it even come up that some candidates were living at home? Frankly, as an employer, it's non of your business. If they possess the needed qualities then who cares?

Our son has always been very independent but he will live at home at least next year while a sophomore in college. He can't afford the rent while going to school and we can't afford it either while paying for his school. If he were to come home after he graduates until he finds something I'd have no issue with that. Knowing him though, he wouldn't want that. And it will be a moot point if he gets selected for field training next year anyway as he'll go into the Air Force after graduation.

All families are different and what works for some doesn't work for others. I don't know of any moochers in our circle of friends. Actually, I can't think of any that have had kids come home to live after graduation.
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
800 posts, read 511,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop View Post
OP, you seem to be equating living at home with the parents pulling the strings. That isn't always the case. Most likely, the parent in your example would have made that call whether their child lived at home or not. That's a whole other issue.

How did it even come up that some candidates were living at home? Frankly, as an employer, it's non of your business. If they possess the needed qualities then who cares?

Our son has always been very independent but he will live at home at least next year while a sophomore in college. He can't afford the rent while going to school and we can't afford it either while paying for his school. If he were to come home after he graduates until he finds something I'd have no issue with that. Knowing him though, he wouldn't want that. And it will be a moot point if he gets selected for field training next year anyway as he'll go into the Air Force after graduation.

All families are different and what works for some doesn't work for others. I don't know of any moochers in our circle of friends. Actually, I can't think of any that have had kids come home to live after graduation.

I certainly didn't ask. One candidate said "Yep, I am living at home with the parents! Living the dream" very sarcastically. Another said that she had had to move home because she had gone to school in NYC and couldn't afford the COL after she graduated. These were just conversational mentions. I know that there are legit reasons an adult child might have to live at home.

I will tell you what I am noticing on this thread. A few have shared their perfectly valid experiences in favor of making their own way as a young adult. Most posters have chosen to ignore that and defend their choices to allow their adult child to live at home. Notice that these are PARENTAL choices, not the kid's choice.

I suspect that many of these parents feed their kids info about how expensive and harsh it is to live away from the nest while laying it on thick about the comforts of home ("we have a great big house! You can come and go as you please!") These parents are stacking the deck so their kids won't even try to leave. They are making the kids fearful that they will fail on their own. And really, what would happen if they did? They could COME HOME. That is clearly always there. Why not let your kid try it out?
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:56 AM
 
Location: in my mind
2,716 posts, read 2,109,430 times
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I moved back into my dad's house after I finished undergrad. I ended up living there for about a year and a half until I was ready to get my own place. That time allowed me to save almost my entire full-time salary for 18 months so I had a nice little nest egg. A couple of years later, I went to grad school.

I am very appreciative of his support at that time in my life.
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Howard County, MD
2,221 posts, read 1,316,308 times
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This isn't 1970 anymore. The modern economy is very ambiguous, and many young people were sold on this "College>Job>Money!" paradigm that simply isn't true.

And if you look at other countries, you'll see that the "out the door when you're 18" mentality is somewhat specific to America; I once heard a man from Rome remark that most people there can't afford their own place until about 25.
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
800 posts, read 511,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnbiggs View Post
This isn't 1970 anymore. The modern economy is very ambiguous, and many young people were sold on this "College>Job>Money!" paradigm that simply isn't true.

And if you look at other countries, you'll see that the "out the door when you're 18" mentality is somewhat specific to America; I once heard a man from Rome remark that most people there can't afford their own place until about 25.
Sure, but that is why you get a roommate. Many adults in NYC, DC, LA etc have roommates their entire lives. People get married and divorced and can't afford a place afterward on their own. People have kids, buy a house, can't afford the mortgage and take in a tenant. This happens.

My point is that parenting doesn't stop but it CHANGES once the child is an adult. An educated adult. An adult with a marketable skill. So what if they have to live with a roomie for a few years? So what if they have to take on a second job? This happens. It teaches resourcefulness. It lets the adult become an adult.

Again, I am not advocating a harsh line at 18. I am saying, however, that this is a slippery slope. If you don't believe your kid can make it on their own and you allow them to keep living at home, they may start to believe that it is true, that they really can't make it on their own. They may give up. They may stay dependent. And from what I can tell, several parents on here would be fine with that.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:00 PM
 
7,411 posts, read 8,775,997 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
I certainly didn't ask. One candidate said "Yep, I am living at home with the parents! Living the dream" very sarcastically. Another said that she had had to move home because she had gone to school in NYC and couldn't afford the COL after she graduated. These were just conversational mentions. I know that there are legit reasons an adult child might have to live at home.

I will tell you what I am noticing on this thread. A few have shared their perfectly valid experiences in favor of making their own way as a young adult. Most posters have chosen to ignore that and defend their choices to allow their adult child to live at home. Notice that these are PARENTAL choices, not the kid's choice.

I suspect that many of these parents feed their kids info about how expensive and harsh it is to live away from the nest while laying it on thick about the comforts of home ("we have a great big house! You can come and go as you please!") These parents are stacking the deck so their kids won't even try to leave. They are making the kids fearful that they will fail on their own. And really, what would happen if they did? They could COME HOME. That is clearly always there. Why not let your kid try it out?
Well, you are posting on a parenting forum. It makes sense that you will hear the parents point of view, eh?

I'm going to let you in on my little secret: Life is grand when the boys are at school. When they are home for breaks, I seem to spend a lot more time at the grocery store, the air conditioning thermostat appears to inch down on it's own, the laundry room is always in use, and the leftovers I expected to have for dinner tonight were eaten at 2:00 am.

I am not dying for the boys to return home. However, I love them, and want to give them every reasonable chance to find the same level of success their parents had. If it involves a bit more effort and flexibility on my part, so be it.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Denver area
16,974 posts, read 11,916,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
I certainly didn't ask. One candidate said "Yep, I am living at home with the parents! Living the dream" very sarcastically. Another said that she had had to move home because she had gone to school in NYC and couldn't afford the COL after she graduated. These were just conversational mentions. I know that there are legit reasons an adult child might have to live at home.

I will tell you what I am noticing on this thread. A few have shared their perfectly valid experiences in favor of making their own way as a young adult. Most posters have chosen to ignore that and defend their choices to allow their adult child to live at home. Notice that these are PARENTAL choices, not the kid's choice.

I suspect that many of these parents feed their kids info about how expensive and harsh it is to live away from the nest while laying it on thick about the comforts of home ("we have a great big house! You can come and go as you please!") These parents are stacking the deck so their kids won't even try to leave. They are making the kids fearful that they will fail on their own. And really, what would happen if they did? They could COME HOME. That is clearly always there. Why not let your kid try it out?
So....why are their experiences any more valid than the posters who give differing experiences or opinions?

And I haven't seen anyone here who isn't "letting" their adult children "try it out"....where did you get that idea? If the kids are over 18 they are certainly free to make their own choices correct? One of those choices CAN be to live at home until they have their feet planted a little more solidly. Not talking about listless kids living in the basement, not working or going to school. If it is an amenable agreement for all involved what makes it not a valid choice?
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:39 PM
Status: "Boo!" (set 15 days ago)
 
1,828 posts, read 1,741,199 times
Reputation: 2148
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
...This can be detrimental to the kid's future an independent adult.

I work in a very competitive and sought after industry. I was hiring an assistant recently. I had several recent grads interview, a few of whom admitted they lived at home. One in particular had a parent who called and asked about whether or not her son had gotten the job, extoling his academic virtues. I put that resume right in the trash. If I need someone I can rely on, who thinks on their feet and can get things done, I am not about to hire an individual who has mom call (unsolicited) for a reference.
Wow! That's extreme helicopter parenting.


I've seen it work both ways. Some kids are independent and only move back home to move ahead. In these instances, it works out great. However, I have to say that I have seen your scenario more often than not for older children...not recent grads, but mid to late 30s and early 40s! Children who are divorced, single-parents, older children wanting to return to school. In these cases, I believe the children are moochers. They've had a taste of life and don't want to continue to pay for it, so, they move back with mom and dad to supplement their lifestyle. It does happen. It is sad.

But for recent grads who are not yet 25, I can see returning home for a while to get their finances in order. Beyond 27-28, personally, I'd have to wonder why? At this point relationships, personal preferences, work, etc., all come into play. I would think one's privacy would take precedence when these life event's become more imminent which would make most children want a place of their own.
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